Cut my ankles and feet again

[melancholymallory03]

I am such an idiot. Such an idiot such an idiot .
I haven't cut in over nine months I've just cut myself bloody in the tub with some razors I have been keeping they were too tempting I guess and now my ankles are fucked
I do sw /… I have to work even again tomorrow my life is a stupid never ending nightmare trap I am stuck in a nightmare I sleep and there are nightmares I wake up and there are more nightmares I try to escape but I'm sent into another there is no sense of home or stability I don't know how to untangle all these problems I don't want to have to grow up so fast I don't want all of this to of had to happen I wish I could go back I'm not sure why any of this is happening I wish this wasn't happening I just feel disgusting and horrible and never ending I try to be grateful I try to be good I try to do everything I am supposed to do but I always feel empty and this hunger for something I can never have I don't know why I cry when I should lay my tears to rest I don't know why I carry on with myself I wish I could do something with myself and my lousy existence I want to be happy it's just that I can't be happy I know I can try to be happy but I am not sure what that even means I try to be stable I cannot I am always one extreme to the next everything falls away from me like flies off poision my sex work this this puts me at a higher risk of infection so I'm fucked I just don't know where life is going to take me I guess I am a sick and pathetic person and I wish I could screw my head on sanely to plan how I'm going to source my method, I have acquired a tank and other accessories/equiptmwnt. I have a meeting scheduled to order my blob fish and I am going to persevere despite the odds I know what a stupid and pathetic person I am persevering towards ctb rather than persevering towards recovery , u might ask why, but I just can't conform to society I can't be here , I don't belong here I don't belong anywhere. This world is not my home…

 

[thedevilwithin]

i relate very deeply i'm very sorry. you sound extremely overwhelmed and tired. lay back, turn on some music and rest your eyes.

here if you need it <3

 

[MyTimeIsUp]

Hey, I can relate to this

Try to be kinder to yourself, you don't deserve to treat yourself this way.

A lot of us feel this way, myself included (not belonging in this world etc)

I get the SW, I am also a SWer, but having a short break from it due to my mental health, but I know I will have to do it soon as I have no money, and I'm fucked right now.

What do you usually do to help ease the pain, besides cutting? Could you try to listen to some calming music, even if it helps for a few minutes

We're all here for you

 

[melancholymallory03]

Thank you

i relate very deeply i'm very sorry. you sound extremely overwhelmed and tired. lay back, turn on some music and rest your eyes.

here if you need it <3

i dont want to burden anyone with my problems.
I am gonna go for. Walk buy some juice and come back… I am fighting tears in my eyes I'm just so tired I try to hold it together I just can't bear the weight of the world it's all so heavy and I tire everyone out over time , eventually everyone leaves .. nothing is permanent
I wish I could just do it .. I'm getting b tired my strep throat symptoms are still here I can't source materials I just want to escape so badly
I even tried painting.but the entire canvas went black I just can't bear this pain anymore it's excruciating it's inside my veins it's running its course like a vile disease I just want to make it stop so bad. My anxietyd gone into paranoia I fear …. I fear I'm losing it… I'm so scared ….. I don't know what I'll do , thank you for replying and I hope you also find the peace you deserve this feels like a blow to the stomach I just can't take this anymore my heart feels like it's going to physically reak

Hey, I can relate to this

Try to be kinder to yourself, you don't deserve to treat yourself this way.

A lot of us feel this way, myself included (not belonging in this world etc)

I get the SW, I am also a SWer, but having a short break from it due to my mental health, but I know I will have to do it soon as I have no money, and I'm fucked right now.

What do you usually do to help ease the pain, besides cutting? Could you try to listen to some calming music, even if it helps for a few minutes

We're all here for you

Hi I'm so sorry you can relate to this….
It's a vicious cycle isn't it ….. it really eats up inside and feels like a inescapable cycle, people say there's a way out but in this economy lmao… I'll just laugh…. I hope you can source money another way….. bless you and find peace I hope soon


My heart feels like it's being stabbed a million times over and over I feel a pressure building up in my head and my throat has a lump in it I am trying to go get a juice for myself because I'm thirsty and my fridge is empty because im sleeping most of the day to ever buy groceries so i end up just drinking juice or getting take out or ramen etc but i tried painting just painted all black my heart is in a million pieces i cant handle the pain and pressure around me I just want to rest but my thoughts won't shut up im hypvernegillying i think mentally I just wanna puke i cant handle this anymore ….. i feel so closed in………… my family dosent even love me…… my siblings are only going to be burdened by me….. my friends don't care about the real me….. and I can't take care of any pet to think about having one here ……. I can't do anything right …… I'll lose this account one day to I bet somehow through my own self destruction. I'm just a fucking mess. I hate this so much.
Life is so short …. We are all doomed I wonder sometimes ………. I don't think I can hold it together much longer

 

[thedevilwithin]

Thank you

i dont want to burden anyone with my problems.
I am gonna go for. Walk buy some juice and come back… I am fighting tears in my eyes I'm just so tired I try to hold it together I just can't bear the weight of the world it's all so heavy and I tire everyone out over time , eventually everyone leaves .. nothing is permanent
I wish I could just do it .. I'm getting b tired my strep throat symptoms are still here I can't source materials I just want to escape so badly
I even tried painting.but the entire canvas went black I just can't bear this pain anymore it's excruciating it's inside my veins it's running its course like a vile disease I just want to make it stop so bad. My anxietyd gone into paranoia I fear …. I fear I'm losing it… I'm so scared ….. I don't know what I'll do , thank you for replying and I hope you also find the peace you deserve this feels like a blow to the stomach I just can't take this anymore my heart feels like it's going to physically reak

Hi I'm so sorry you can relate to this….
It's a vicious cycle isn't it ….. it really eats up inside and feels like a inescapable cycle, people say there's a way out but in this economy lmao… I'll just laugh…. I hope you can source money another way….. bless you and find peace I hope soon


My heart feels like it's being stabbed a million times over and over I feel a pressure building up in my head and my throat has a lump in it I am trying to go get a juice for myself because I'm thirsty and my fridge is empty because im sleeping most of the day to ever buy groceries so i end up just drinking juice or getting take out or ramen etc but i tried painting just painted all black my heart is in a million pieces i cant handle the pain and pressure around me I just want to rest but my thoughts won't shut up im hypvernegillying i think mentally I just wanna puke i cant handle this anymore ….. i feel so closed in………… my family dosent even love me…… my siblings are only going to be burdened by me….. my friends don't care about the real me….. and I can't take care of any pet to think about having one here ……. I can't do anything right …… I'll lose this account one day to I bet somehow through my own self destruction. I'm just a fucking mess. I hate this so much.
Life is so short …. We are all doomed I wonder sometimes ………. I don't think I can hold it together much longer

you are NOT a burden. okay? go for a nice refreshing walk and get some air. please i'm here if you ever need to reach out. i'm scared too sometimes. anxiety sucks.. :(

 

[melancholymallory03]

you are NOT a burden. okay? go for a nice refreshing walk and get some air. please i'm here if you ever need to reach out. i'm scared too sometimes. anxiety sucks.. :(

Thank you. I appreciate you're kindness