Cuck with no skills and no life- is recovery possible for me?

[Obamna1]

I am 26 years old and I've wanted to kill myself since I was a kid. I was homeschooled as a child and didn't have the chance to develop skills, make friends or talk to girls. I was miserable and sad- but had this stupid fantasy that once I was freed from my parents I would find a way to be happy. I ended up going to a useless school and got a mediocre liberal arts degree. At 20 I finally lost my virginity to a friend. We started hooking up regularly and I developed feelings. A few months into the fling I had to go spend a semester abroad. A few weeks after I left she started texting me about this guy she started having sex with and how much better he was than anyone else she's been with. I was devastated. I assumed she was going to sleep around but never would have thought that she would tell me about it- let alone rub in my face about how much better other guy were.I felt so badly I spent the entirety of the semester abroad in my room. When the semester was over I moved back to the main school and started dating this girl. I know it was stupid, but I was so lonely and didn't have any other options.

Now 6 years later we are still together. I supported her while she got her master's degree all the while I wasted away doing basically nothing. I work from home at my mom's small business- a complete dead end job that wouldn't even look good on a resume. I am a completely broken husk of a human being. I sit around and cry all day. My girlfriend wants to progress the relationship to marriage and children. Even though she did what she did in the past marriage and children sounds kind of nice. But in order to do that I would have to change every single thing about myself: I would need a career, to be in good shape, to not cry, and to be more well spoken. I don't think I can change all of these things, and it's even harder to change with my girlfriend around because I'm extremely weak and cry under the smallest amount of pressure. Should I just kill myself? I found a high spot 8 hours away with a guaranteed death rate. Is there anyway I can change for the better?? If I can't start improving by the end of the year I think I'm going to do it.
I'm just gonna do it. I don't deserve to live.

 

[No_Lxve]

all of this shit is just BS life just gives us.

people think its late to do anything nowadays, since people in the modern era are getting wealthier by doing the dumbest shit.

its never too late to start readjusting your life. life will give you that opportunity again. dont be pressured by what other people do and how they do it fast.

just take your time. which is the best time to take

i hope you get better.

 

[ApparentlyNot]

Hey, I'm sorry you're feeling the way you are, but in response to your question: "Should I just kill myself?" No one can answer that except you, but I would say no. I think at the very least you should wait at least one year of giving an honest true effort to not only thinking about what you want in life but whether or not you can realistically get there, and TRYING to do it. I'm trying to organize what I've interpreted from your post - trying to figure out your exact reasons for wanting to CTB and it comes down to your relationship and you feeling inadequate, unskilled, and insecure in your abilities in general whether they pertain to relationships or your potential career and life.

I need you to know that just because you feel like you "wasted" a few years, that you aren't stuck in your current job and you aren't stuck in your current relationship. Now I'd like to give your partner the benefit of the doubt, but you need to really sit down with yourself and ask if you can forgive her. Have you ever even had an honest discussion explaining how much this hurt you? If you do want to be with her, that doesn't make you a cuck, she picked you man, and that was years ago, but you should still address it so it doesn't build resentment.

You need to address whatever is making you think you can't change and that you are some sort of a lost cause when you seem very capable and intelligent. Something in your psyche is blocking you, some fear or pain of failure or rejection, I have no idea, but maybe you should consider working with a psychoanalyst? Good luck with everything.

 

[UsagiDrop]

I was miserable and sad- but had this stupid fantasy that once I was freed from my parents I would find a way to be happy. I ended up going to a useless school and got a mediocre liberal arts degree.

I just want to say that this is so relatable, lol. Silly liberal arts degrees from a useless school gang. Except I dropped out when I realized how useless my efforts would eventually be, so, you're in a better position than me.

Anyway, I think it's possible for all of us to recover, no matter our situations. It's certainly unfortunate what happened between you and your girlfriend. I want to say I wish you two didn't get together under those circumstances, but you two weren't technically together when she did that, so I can see the gray area and it's also not my life. Still, it's understandable for you to be hurt about it even all these years later. May I ask why you think it's hard to improve with her around? Are you constantly reminded of what she did in the past? Does that make you feel like you're weak? And if all of this is true, then what is the alternative? Breaking up with her to improve yourself in solitude? Is that the best option?

There's nothing wrong with being hurt and crying. Crying is actually a positive release so I want to encourage you to cry whenever you can or want to, let it out, let yourself feel very valid feelings; it doesn't make you less of anything or unworthy of anything, it's literally because you're a human that's carrying around a very heavy load. It's understandable. But at a certain point, I get it can feel annoying to just keep crying and crying.

I think you deserve to live, and if you have any doubt about the act, any hope for a future, then ctb might not be the option for you right now. Obviously it is your choice, and if by the end of the year you're still feeling hopeless, then by all means, make an informed decision that will make you happy and free. But it kind of sounds like you want to stick around, to create a family with your girlfriend, so it's worth giving life another try and get better so you can achieve that goal. You're pretty young, I'm also in that age range so I understand the phenomenon of a quarter-life crisis. It sucks and things feel so hopeless. Especially when you didn't get a chance to develop identity or self-esteem like your peers. I guess the people like us are stuck in that annoying developmental phase that most people have in their teens, but it's not too late to get out of it.

I would need a career, to be in good shape, to not cry, and to be more well spoken.

It sounds like you have a clear idea of what you need to do. All of these goals are attainable— you can go back to school (trade or uni), or branch out into other careers entirely (dead-end jobs may not sound good on a resume, but it's your mom's company, so you can lie a little if she's willing to be a good reference). You can go to the gym, your girlfriend can come and work out with you and it can double as a bonding activity, too. You can practice speaking and the act of thinking before you say anything. I don't know about not crying, I suppose you can cry less and develop resilience with time, but to stop all together sounds detrimental and almost impossible. Also, a father and husband who is in touch with his emotions instead of bottling them up and letting them explode onto his family is 100x better than a father and husband that cries sometimes. I really don't think you should be ashamed of being hurt, or having feelings in general. I know it's hard to do, but I hope you won't shame yourself for this too much, going forward.

You're not weak, just in a bad spot. But I do believe you can claw yourself out of it. I have a deadline for myself too, so we can go on that journey together. There are others on the forum that will support you and root for you, too. If you decide that you want to make the effort to recover, there are people who are in a recovery pact in one of the threads that are pinned to this subforum. They do check-ins daily and can provide you with a place to vent and feel without judgement, at least. Though I guess you do have the whole forum for that, too.

Wishing you all the best! I hope by the end of the year, you can tell us about your improvements, no matter how small.

 

[Obamna1]

Hey, I'm sorry you're feeling the way you are, but in response to your question: "Should I just kill myself?" No one can answer that except you, but I would say no. I think at the very least you should wait at least one year of giving an honest true effort to not only thinking about what you want in life but whether or not you can realistically get there, and TRYING to do it. I'm trying to organize what I've interpreted from your post - trying to figure out your exact reasons for wanting to CTB and it comes down to your relationship and you feeling inadequate, unskilled, and insecure in your abilities in general whether they pertain to relationships or your potential career and life.

I need you to know that just because you feel like you "wasted" a few years, that you aren't stuck in your current job and you aren't stuck in your current relationship. Now I'd like to give your partner the benefit of the doubt, but you need to really sit down with yourself and ask if you can forgive her. Have you ever even had an honest discussion explaining how much this hurt you? If .

You need to address whatever is making you think you can't change and that you are some sort of a lost cause when you seem very capable and intelligent. Something in your psyche is blocking you, some fear or pain of failure or rejeyou do want to be with her, that doesn't make you a cuck, she picked you man, and that was years ago, but you should still address it so it doesn't build resentmentction, I have no idea, but maybe you should consider working with a psychoanalyst? Good luck with everything.

I didn't just waste a few years- I wasted my entire life. Most people spent their childhoods developing, learning soft skills and meeting people and I just rotted away in my home. I have been to over eight different psychologists and none of them helped- I was never honest about being suicidal but I was honest about everything else. I think your analysis of why I want to CBT is accurate though- I am bad at everything snf my life has no value. The world would be objectively better off if I wasn't around.

I just want to say that this is so relatable, lol. Silly liberal arts degrees from a useless school gang. Except I dropped out when I realized how useless my efforts would eventually be, so, you're in a better position than me.

Anyway, I think it's possible for all of us to recover, no matter our situations. It's certainly unfortunate what happened between you and your girlfriend. I want to say I wish you two didn't get together under those circumstances, but you two weren't technically together when she did that, so I can see the gray area and it's also not my life. Still, it's understandable for you to be hurt about it even all these years later. May I ask why you think it's hard to improve with her around? Are you constantly reminded of what she did in the past? Does that make you feel like you're weak? And if all of this is true, then what is the alternative? Breaking up with her to improve yourself in solitude? Is that the best option?

There's nothing wrong with being hurt and crying. Crying is actually a positive release so I want to encourage you to cry whenever you can or want to, let it out, let yourself feel very valid feelings; it doesn't make you less of anything or unworthy of anything, it's literally because you're a human that's carrying around a very heavy load. It's understandable. But at a certain point, I get it can feel annoying to just keep crying and crying.

I think you deserve to live, and if you have any doubt about the act, any hope for a future, then ctb might not be the option for you right now. Obviously it is your choice, and if by the end of the year you're still feeling hopeless, then by all means, make an informed decision that will make you happy and free. But it kind of sounds like you want to stick around, to create a family with your girlfriend, so it's worth giving life another try and get better so you can achieve that goal. You're pretty young, I'm also in that age range so I understand the phenomenon of a quarter-life crisis. It sucks and things feel so hopeless. Especially when you didn't get a chance to develop identity or self-esteem like your peers. I guess the people like us are stuck in that annoying developmental phase that most people have in their teens, but it's not too late to get out of it.

It sounds like you have a clear idea of what you need to do. All of these goals are attainable— you can go back to school (trade or uni), or branch out into other careers entirely (dead-end jobs may not sound good on a resume, but it's your mom's company, so you can lie a little if she's willing to be a good reference). You can go to the gym, your girlfriend can come and work out with you and it can double as a bonding activity, too. You can practice speaking and the act of thinking before you say anything. I don't know about not crying, I suppose you can cry less and develop resilience with time, but to stop all together sounds detrimental and almost impossible. Also, a father and husband who is in touch with his emotions instead of bottling them up and letting them explode onto his family is 100x better than a father and husband that cries sometimes. I really don't think you should be ashamed of being hurt, or having feelings in general. I know it's hard to do, but I hope you won't shame yourself for this too much, going forward.

You're not weak, just in a bad spot. But I do believe you can claw yourself out of it. I have a deadline for myself too, so we can go on that journey together. There are others on the forum that will support you and root for you, too. If you decide that you want to make the effort to recover, there are people who are in a recovery pact in one of the threads that are pinned to this subforum. They do check-ins daily and can provide you with a place to vent and feel without judgement, at least. Though I guess you do have the whole forum for that, too.

Wishing you all the best! I hope by the end of the year, you can tell us about your improvements, no matter how small.

It's hard to improve with her around because I am extremely sensitive so I cry easily and my GF doesn't like it when I cry. She is rarely mean about it is but she's clearly displeased. When she's not around I just go through something hard (like quitting nicotine) and cry without shame- but when she's around it's suddenly a big deal.

Bottling up my emotions would be better than feeling them as I do. I cry multiple times a day, every day, and it basically stops me from functioning.

You're right about the list of things I need to do being relatively small and, for the average person, achievable. But I'm a broken husk of a human being who cries at the drop of a hat. It makes these little changes I need to make extremely difficult. Thank you for the kind comment though- I really appreciate it.

 

[UsagiDrop]

She is rarely mean about it is but she's clearly displeased.

I'm sorry that she is mean about it at all. I think she should at least be understanding for the most part, considering that her actions have played a part in how you are feeling about yourself six years later. You can always handle your issues on your own if you must, but I hope that she can be supportive in your efforts to better yourself by facilitating your unfiltered healing in ways that slowly allow you to regain trust in her and also a little bit more confidence in your relationship. If she is going to be mean about you feeling your feelings and working through them, I honestly don't know how good that fares for the future.

You're right about the list of things I need to do being relatively small and, for the average person, achievable. But I'm a broken husk of a human being who cries at the drop of a hat. It makes these little changes I need to make extremely difficult

You're right, it would be small for the average person. I don't mean to make them seem like small things that can be done in a short frame of time. I think anyone that finds their way here is far from average, so we have to take bigger steps and make more efforts to see results. Doesn't mean it's impossible, though! You didn't get a chance to develop social skills as a child, but you still went to college, made a friend and eventually got a girlfriend. You managed to graduate with your degree and you're able to maintain a job (it doesn't matter who gave that job to you or how you got it, being able to actually keep working with mental problems is no small task and a lot of people unfortunately can't say that they can do that even if they want to). That proves that there are some small improvements that you have made before, some skills you have learned between childhood and now, and there's still opportunity and time for you to make and learn even more. There's nothing saying that you cannot make progress again, nothing but negative thoughts and self-doubt, which are real things that are hard to fight but are also very much worth fighting if you want to keep living. It may take a long while, but you're not alone in this.

It feels hopeless but often times, it isn't as hopeless as we think. It will definitely be hard but we're rooting for you.

 

[ocklepold]

I'd just like to say that I really feel for you.

For what it's worth, I don't think you're worthless, I don't think you're weak, I don't think your life has no value, I don't think the world would be better off without you, and I don't think you're a cuck. I doubt anyone reading this thread would think those horrible things. You deserve to exist. We support you.

The main barriers to your success are these negative self-perceptions that you are torturing yourself with. They are not true. If you can overcome them, you will be able to make the changes you need in your life.