Discussion CTB while you feel semi good versus CTB while in a dark hole

[prbreese01]

I'm currently feeling slightly better than I was a couple of weeks ago and now I realize that I'd rather CTB while I'm feeling good versus in a desperate state. Does anyone else feel this way?

 

[D&D]

Yes.

 

[subj]

I'm currently feeling slightly better than I was a couple of weeks ago and now I realize that I'd rather CTB while I'm feeling good versus in a desperate state. Does anyone else feel this way?

It's been said that people in depression don't have much energy even to take their lives if they are suicidal. But if the depression lessens and they get energy they may be able to act out their wish.

 

[flagmaster]

Of course. You do not want to act impulsively in a state where you're more likely to make a mistake.

I know no matter what I have to wait until June as that's when my life insurance will pay out for suicide. Even on the 'better' days, I'm still ready to go. I see where life leads to in my job role and I guess it just makes this whole experience void to me. There's no reward for living longer. Unless you count arthritis, strokes, incontinence, dementia etc a reward…

 

[eternalmelancholy]

This is a really interesting thread. I guess which ever makes it easier to ctb is probably the right choice. I am trying not to get emotional about it. Just treating it as another thing I have to get done. I am not sure if it is helping or not.

 

[HelloAllYouPeople]

I prefer ctb in a dark hole. I'm always ready to go, and I need to have enough despair to overpower SI

 

[LookieLou]

I made an attempt with complete planning over several months. I cleaned out my personal papers leaving complete info on how to claim insurance, how to cancel subscriptions, and about who could perhaps help with local issues and other important topics. I donated almost all of my clothes and sorted through things that would be difficult for others to handle. I found a website of a local place my car could be donated.

Then I went on vacation to Iceland, where my increasing physical disabilities were very clear. It was a test of how I was doing and it showed me how bad my issues were.

I went to Amsterdam, one of my favorite cities in the world, watching people who rightfully expected to be alive the next week when I was sure I would not be on the planet. I did my favorite things and ate at my favorite restaurants.

Then I attempted, which failed.

 

[prbreese01]

It's been said that people in depression don't have much energy even to take their lives if they are suicidal. But if the depression lessens and they get energy they may be able to act out their wish.

That sounds right. I always felt like I had a list of things to do before I CBTd and it just seemed like I'd never be able to complete it. Now I feel like I can,

 

[flagmaster]

I made an attempt with complete planning over several months. I cleaned out my personal papers leaving complete info on how to claim insurance, how to cancel subscriptions, and about who could perhaps help with local issues and other important topics. I donated almost all of my clothes and sorted through things that would be difficult for others to handle. I found a website of a local place my car could be donated.

Then I went on vacation to Iceland, where my increasing physical disabilities were very clear. It was a test of how I was doing and it showed me how bad my issues were.

I went to Amsterdam, one of my favorite cities in the world, watching people who rightfully expected to be alive the next week when I was sure I would not be on the planet. I did my favorite things and ate at my favorite restaurants.

Then I attempted, which failed.

That's interesting. How are you feeling about still being here now?

 

[Ta555]

I made an attempt with complete planning over several months. I cleaned out my personal papers leaving complete info on how to claim insurance, how to cancel subscriptions, and about who could perhaps help with local issues and other important topics. I donated almost all of my clothes and sorted through things that would be difficult for others to handle. I found a website of a local place my car could be donated.

Then I went on vacation to Iceland, where my increasing physical disabilities were very clear. It was a test of how I was doing and it showed me how bad my issues were.

I went to Amsterdam, one of my favorite cities in the world, watching people who rightfully expected to be alive the next week when I was sure I would not be on the planet. I did my favorite things and ate at my favorite restaurants.

Then I attempted, which failed.

Oh wow...you were really commited! How did it fail? :(

 

[waitingforrest]

I heard that therapists pay more attention when someone suddenly becomes happy. Apparently happiness and calmness goes along with carrying out an exit. Ironically, true for me. I'm most happy when I have everything set up and ready to go at anytime.

 

[LookieLou]

Oh wow...you were really commited! How did it fail? :(

Hotel employees started calling and knocking. I'd done serious damage to my right calf and had probably fallen loudly.

That's interesting. How are you feeling about still being here now?

Life is not meaningful. I'm here on SS to research options.

 

[Someone123]

I'm currently feeling slightly better than I was a couple of weeks ago and now I realize that I'd rather CTB while I'm feeling good versus in a desperate state. Does anyone else feel this way?

If the long term issues that make a person want to ctb are still there then I think it would be more managebale and peaceful to go when you are feeling a little better, it would be better to go into the next life (if there is one, which I think there is) in a more peaceful state if possible.

 

[GreenTree]

If I was a bit better I wouldn't ctb as there would be hope. In a dark place like I am I would do it. If it was easy. You got SI, fear to overcome and a peaceful method to find. However when in such a dark place you have zero energy so perhaps if you have got energy now might be the time to ctb.

 

[Catloaf]

In my case, the main obstacle is to predict when I feel better. When you suffer physically, it's hard to pinpoint if you'll ever have okayish days. Darn near impossible, I'd say.

 

[tieiwi]

I don't know.. for me it'd be better to ctb when I'm in a darker place. If I'm doing good my si will definitely kick in. My brain will convince me that I still have a chance to make my life better and I'll fall for it. Only to regret it a week later when I'm having another breakdown.

 

[ExitiumVitae]

I totally get what you mean as I have experienced both. You don't want to leave the earth with suffering and desperation being the last thing you experience before cold nothingness. I have completely accepted my end, so I'd prefer to casually watch one or two episodes of a show and then leave this earth like I'm leaving my local convenience store.

 

[_Seeking]

I think the planning is easier when you are in a better state. I am having bad physical pain right now and can't think well enough to obtain my desired means and get all my affairs in order. However if I had my method available to me, it would be far easier to do it in this state as I am in such a high state of misery. It's a lesson to me that when (hopefully) things die down a bit, I must diligently plan and simply wait out for the next rough patch.

 

[NotSureToEndure]

That's an interesting question. (and one i'm unsure how to answer!)

I have never attempted, but I can only assume it's a good idea to be as clear headed as possible when you plan to do it. Now that creates a predicament in itself, because if you're anything like me, you can go from feeling properly low, to actually quite positive within a day or so.. and then back again, and again and..

I do think suicide is a genuine option for me, but I will be spending some more time to figure out if I definitely want to go through with it. I find researching options and creating an action plan a therapy in itself, and I don't think i'm alone in that. If I do go, I want to go in with a clear procedure in mind.

 

[prbreese01]

I heard that therapists pay more attention when someone suddenly becomes happy. Apparently happiness and calmness goes along with carrying out an exit. Ironically, true for me. I'm most happy when I have everything set up and ready to go at anytime.

Super interesting. I'm thinking that this could be really it for me. I've been feeling like the physical symptoms related to my depression have decreased but I'm also gaining more clarity or lack there of the meaning and/or purpose of life. I don't think I'll ever find it and the mundane things just aren't enough to keep me here. It's sad because it's becoming more real.

In my case, the main obstacle is to predict when I feel better. When you suffer physically, it's hard to pinpoint if you'll ever have okayish days. Darn near impossible, I'd say.

May i ask what you're physically suffering from?

 

[GreenTree]

I hope you do recover though.

 

[eternalpeace]

I have definitely felt that way. I have attempted somewhat impulsively in very desperate states, and (spoiler alert!), those all failed. Other times I was a bit more composed and detached, and had planned things out well in advance, but then when the day came I either couldn't override SI, or something happened in my life that I thought I should deal with and I postponed my date.

There was one attempt that was a mix of both: I had a solid plan in mind, and when circumstances worsened, I gave myself a day to think about whether I was going to enact my plan or stick around another week to see if I could make any progress regarding my situation. The next day, I woke up, and I had this really strange feeling…I felt very calm and cool-headed, yet at the same time, I could feel all of my agony just coursing through my veins. I just knew that it was time. I wasn't sad or conflicted or even scared. I just knew, at the very core of my being, that I would die that day. It felt almost like a superior type of knowledge, too. I'm not religious, but I felt that God, the universe, or whatever forces might be out there were telling me that my suicide was exactly what I was supposed to be doing that day.

I took all the necessary steps, and throughout the whole thing I felt secure about my decision, almost happy, even. Almost like feeling exhilarated but serene at the same time. I remember looking up and thinking "this is meant to be". I even gave myself one last chance to back out and call a crisis line, and I wasn't even slightly tempted by the idea. I thought "no. I've had enough. It's time". I wasn't even afraid of the pain. I knew it was going to hurt, but it felt like the ultimate act of self-care: just please, please get me out of here so I can have some peace.

I reached the point in the process where I was *almost* past the point of no return, and I was still driven to continue, almost as if by an outside force. Then, suddenly, this guy appeared out of nowhere (not anticipated, and I still don't know how he got to me so quickly). He told me his name was "Franco" and asked for mine, and he even physically intervened. I don't like telling the story, because it sounds like something out of a movie, and I assume people will think I made it up, but I didn't.

I suppose I will never know whether I would have backed out at the last second on my own had "Franco" not appeared (it's possible), but I really don't think I would have, given the way I felt. I also think that the plan would likely have killed me. (Again, I can't know that for sure). I know "Franco" was trying to be a Good Samaritan, so I can't really fault him, but I do wish he had been elsewhere that day.

Since then (June 2019), I haven't managed to get back into that state. In December 2020, I made one more attempt that was of the impulsive, pain infused variety, and it really didn't have the same gravity to it, so I'm not surprised that it failed. Then I was in a psych hospital for 5 months, after which I just felt so depressed that I didn't have the will to do anything. Then the will came back with a vengeance, but it was the holidays so I figured I should wait, out of respect for my family.

I have now made preparations for another attempt (though not quite ready just yet), but I have no idea if I can ever get back into that (somewhat surreal) state. I still haven't accurately described what it is. It was kind of like a trance, but at the same time I could acutely feel all of the pain and desperation underlying my situation, and I could also think very clearly. Clear thinking and desperation don't usually go together, so I think it was a highly specific state of being, and frankly, I'm not sure I will ever be able to get back there. I don't think I can push myself there. When it happened, it just…happened. And it only happened ONCE in nearly two decades of rebounding suicidality and multiple attempts/imminent plans.

 

[D&D]

Thank you for sharing @eternalpeace

I know what you are saying.

Sending you hug(s) - if that is OK, otherwise ignore it.

 

[eternalpeace]

Thank you for sharing @eternalpeace

I know what you are saying.

Sending you hug(s) - if that is OK, otherwise ignore it.

I'm always amenable to hugs. Hugs back at you, too! (Provided you also consent to hugs).

 

[fatefulstillness]

I feel this way, too. It's sort of funny, but sometimes, the happier I am, the stronger my desire to die. I suppose it makes the idea of suicide a bit easier... the real thing is usually not like that, though. But being suicidal even when I'm happy gives me comfort, because I know it's the right choice for me and not something impulsive I would do.

 

[D&D]

I'm always amenable to hugs. Hugs back at you, too! (Provided you also consent to hugs).

Thank you and I am. Consent to hugs. They, like dancing and reading as Voltaire noted once, never harm anyone.

 

[gottago222]

I heard that therapists pay more attention when someone suddenly becomes happy. Apparently happiness and calmness goes along with carrying out an exit. Ironically, true for me. I'm most happy when I have everything set up and ready to go at anytime.

in the last 2 years i have not felt genuinely happy once except when i thought "im going to cbt to shut up the intrusive thoughts in my head" i felt really euphoric on that day. my mom said "you're getting better!" my aunt said "i see the twinkle in your eyes again"

 

[we're all alright]

Yes, even if my circumstances aren't any better I'd like to feel better when I ctb. I want it to be truly peaceful and if I'm super down and scared and whatnot i might make a mistake and just wouldn't achieve the end i imagine. passing when i'm happy and confident also assures me that i'm really ready to go, not just acting on a random impulse. it would have to be more than just a random happy day if that was the case, though.

 

[little helpers]

yes.

last attempt didn't go very well but it was literally the best thing I could ask for. said goodbye to friends, gave a trusted person my passwords and stuff, did a hot shot of junk, feeling all good and I even got to talk with someone on the phone. he's a pro-choicer, yeah, how much nicer could it be? till my SI screwed everything for me. damn.

 

[ncmxm]

Yes. If I were to do it I'd prefer to do it when I'm feeling good, then I could experience some nice things before I go and I'd feel like it's more of my own choice, as opposed to a choice imposed on me by desperation.