CTB today - last rant

[HubbaHubba]

You can see my regiment here. Now for my last rant - feel free to ignore this.

I tried my best to be a good person for the last few decades, but unfortunately, I failed. I am dumb, selfish, have too much pride and cause pain to others. I ended up being a bad person.

I spent the last few months making sure everything is good to go for my loved ones and my pets. I wrote a will, assigned beneficiary to my accounts, donated my items, put stuff in a storage etc.

What happened in the past few weeks really break my heart.

My pets started to sleep with me. They never done that. It's like they are asking me to stay.… but I can't. I just dropped of my pets in a luxury boarding place and I am crying because they won't see me anymore. My loved ones will take ownership of them and care for them.

My loved ones texted me a while back, asking me "Hey Dad, can you teach me how did you grill your steak? You know, the ones I really like when I was young". I wrote a lengthy, step-by-step note and shared it with them.

Breaks my heart… but I know staying alive will make things worst. Who wants to care for an old person that will become homeless and no longer can contribute to society?

Anyway, just rambling.

Thank you SS and those who helped me in my journey. If I don't response anymore, then either I am successful or I am being FORCEFULLY taken by the government to a mental hospital, by which I will lose my job, apartment, pets and everything else with no access to Internet.

PS: I'll answer any post or chat until I CTB with SN.. It's… kinda.. refreshing to talk to people even on the Internet… I don't know how to explain it, but it's just illuminating. Thanks for staying with me in my last moment.

 

[I need peace]

Wish you a peaceful journey, whatever that means to you

 

[Danjor88]

I take it you've been through a bad break up with the mother of your children - because you sound just like me.

"I am dumb, selfish, have too much pride and cause pain to others. I ended up being a bad person." - did your ex tell you this?

If you were that person, your kids wouldn't want to know you, let alone contact you to ask you how to cook steaks.

I'm no pro-lifer, and I don't believe in prolonging pain, but please take a moment to reflect and decide if this is what you really want.

Best wishes whatever you decide.

 

[HubbaHubba]

I take it you've been through a bad break up with the mother of your children - because you sound just like me.

"I am dumb, selfish, have too much pride and cause pain to others. I ended up being a bad person." - did your ex tell you this?

If you were that person, your kids wouldn't want to know you, let alone contact you to ask you how to cook steaks.

I'm no pro-lifer, and I don't believe in prolonging pain, but please take a moment to reflect and decide if this is what you really want.

Best wishes whatever you decide.

Thanks, @Danjor88

My ex is a good person. I was the one that pushed her away… . Recently, I dropped some of my child stuff at her place and she seems to sense something is off. She told me "Hope everything is OK with you. I am here if you need me". Yeah, she is an angel.

I am the bad person. I am the villain in her life.

 

[Lebensunwertes]

Hopefully your family can take good care of your pets. Mine are one of the forces that continue to keep me alive, because abandoning them is simply not an option.

 

[HubbaHubba]

Hopefully your family can take good care of your pets. Mine are one of the forces that continue to keep me alive, because abandoning them is simply not an option.

Thanks, @Lebensunwertes.

I spent some money to buy food, medicines, etc. and wrote detailed instructions for my pets to my loved ones, down to how much food need to be given on a given day.

I love my pets… I found them on the streets and I cared for them. One have cancer and at one time, the vet told me he only have a few months to live. I said "FUCK THAT! What can I do?!". I spent $$$ for chemo, ultrasound, oncologist, etc. Hell, I eat instant noodle for weeks so I have money for those medical expenses. He's still with me 2 years later. He's alive!! :)

But I know it is *me* who cannot go any further. What little money I have, I have given to my loved ones. My pets can survive and still bring joy to my loved ones.

 

[milkginger]

Hey… Im here for u ir u need!
I hope you are at peace and not suffering! I'm sending all my love to you!

 

[HubbaHubba]

Hey… Im here for u ir u need!
I hope you are at peace and not suffering! I'm sending all my love to you!

Thanks, @milkginger

FWIW, I am not sure if I am peace or not suffering. Even on this D-Day, my mind is still racing 100 mph, thinking "What can I do to NOT CTB?!".

I wrote down all the things I can think of to stay alive… but I coudn't find a way out. I have tons of papers scattered at my place with writings on every possible things on what I can do…. so far it's zilch.. nothing… kaput.

 

[Zegers]

Man no one in the world is a saint, we all have virtues and flaws.

Fuck the standards of society. Live the way you want.

I wish you luck in whatever you do.

 

[Downandout82]

Thanks, @milkginger

FWIW, I am not sure if I am peace or not suffering. Even on this D-Day, my mind is still racing 100 mph, thinking "What can I do to NOT CTB?!".

I wrote down all the things I can think of to stay alive… but I coudn't find a way out. I have tons of papers scattered at my place with writings on every possible things on what I can do…. so far it's zilch.. nothing… kaput.

you sound like a good man as ur son wouldn't ask u for that and i hope whatever choice u make its right for u i am here if u need me not in the best place myself. i hope u see some light which ever path u choice. by the sounds off it ur son has good memories of u. i no ur feelings are low but ur heart seems full. good luck either way x

 

[Graham]

You can see my regiment here. Now for my last rant - feel free to ignore this.

I tried my best to be a good person for the last few decades, but unfortunately, I failed. I am dumb, selfish, have too much pride and cause pain to others. I ended up being a bad person.

I spent the last few months making sure everything is good to go for my loved ones and my pets. I wrote a will, assigned beneficiary to my accounts, donated my items, put stuff in a storage etc.

What happened in the past few weeks really break my heart.

My pets started to sleep with me. They never done that. It's like they are asking me to stay.… but I can't. I just dropped of my pets in a luxury boarding place and I am crying because they won't see me anymore. My loved ones will take ownership of them and care for them.

My loved ones texted me a while back, asking me "Hey Dad, can you teach me how did you grill your steak? You know, the ones I really like when I was young". I wrote a lengthy, step-by-step note and shared it with them.

Breaks my heart… but I know staying alive will make things worst. Who wants to care for an old person that will become homeless and no longer can contribute to society?

Anyway, just rambling.

Thank you SS and those who helped me in my journey. If I don't response anymore, then either I am successful or I am being FORCEFULLY taken by the government to a mental hospital, by which I will lose my job, apartment, pets and everything else with no access to Internet.

PS: I'll answer any post or chat until I CTB with SN.. It's… kinda.. refreshing to talk to people even on the Internet… I don't know how to explain it, but it's just illuminating. Thanks for staying with me in my last moment.

I don't know you from this overview

Sounds like you are not the bad person you think you are

Only you really know

Hope you find peace

 

[whitefeather]

"Its a good day to die " Crazy Horse . Your death preparations are beautiful gift to this world robbed of this. You've been holding "Death Lodge" ! (indigenous custom).

 

[Tristan23]

Hopefully your family can take good care of your pets. Mine are one of the forces that continue to keep me alive, because abandoning them is simply not an option.

I know what you mean, I stayed around til my last pet my dog died Dec 24 2017 now not sure why, both parents are deceased, siblings distant, I have health condition keeps me isolated and bed bound mostly.. I'm attached to my counselor she seems to care sometimes. But overall I think just like everyone in my life has coped.. Out of sight, Out of mind. when I'm gone, everyone will carry on in the same way. Because of an auto Immune condition, causes poor appetite, it's easy for me to stop eating, if I also stop drinking, I read organs will begin shutting down between day three and day eight, not so bad I think, just going to sleep pretty much

 

[HubbaHubba]

Man no one in the world is a saint, we all have virtues and flaws.

Fuck the standards of society. Live the way you want.

I wish you luck in whatever you do.

Thank you, @Zegers.

I hope you you a good live and don't have to take the same path as I do.

I don't know you from this overview

Sounds like you are not the bad person you think you are

Only you really know

Hope you find peace

Thanks, @Graham.

My hope is that my death will give some solace to others. No need to deal with a person like me.

 

[Deleted member 31858]

I don't know you but I think you are a good person, I don't think you are what you said about yourself.
I'm not in favor of life if you don't want it but maybe you should consider things a little better.
I don't want to interfere, we are all here because we want ctb and we have to respect each other but I don't know, I read your text I think you have things to live for.
Sorry for overstepping. I know you didn't ask for my opinion. But I think your pets and your child love you very much.
In any case, I wish you much peace and tranquility.
I hope you find what you need.

 

[AloneInCollege]

Even on this D-Day, my mind is still racing 100 mph, thinking "What can I do to NOT CTB?!".

This right here worries me a bit. Don't get me wrong I'm not pro-life, but it seems like you still have hang ups about dying and it might not be the time for you. Your kids and ex still seem to care about you so you might not be the bad guy you think you are. Trust me I hate myself so so much but often how we see our selves is blown out of proportion. Obviously it's your choice what you want to do but maybe you should wait a bit. Sorry if this is overstepping.

 

[nena21]

Don't get me wrong I'm not pro-life

If I went to a recovery thread and be like "hey you seem miserable are you sure you wanna live? You seem like a bad person cuz you cheated on your gf. maybe you should kill yourself." would that be respectful? Did op asked for advice what to do with his life or what you think what kinda person he is? Just some thoughts.

 

[HubbaHubba]

I read your text I think you have things to live for.

I do. My pets and my loved ones.

However, I have been holding as long as I can and I see that things get progressively worst for me. I am not the same person I was decades ago. I do not want to hurt / disappoint my pets or loved ones anymore.

This right here worries me a bit. Don't get me wrong I'm not pro-life, but it seems like you still have hang ups about dying and it might not be the time for you. Your kids and ex still seem to care about you so you might not be the bad guy you think you are. Trust me I hate myself so so much but often how we see our selves is blown out of proportion. Obviously it's your choice what you want to do but maybe you should wait a bit. Sorry if this is overstepping.

Nah, you're not overstepping. I truly appreciate your kind words.

I wish I can change things, too…
Update on my regiment: been fasting for more than 8 hours now and didn't realize that hunger cause a little bit of stomach / ulcer pain.

I am just powering through. Maybe get an hour of sleep now to forget about the hunger…

 

[idonthavetobehere]

I echo what others have said. I'm not sure who you were in your personal life but going by your heart for your pets and you being self aware enough and mature enough to admit you may have made a mistake with your ex shows you are not so bad. (Especially not compared to others in this life I have personally known.) You have some good in you. ~

I wish you so much peace, thank you for venting to us. <3 Your thread has touched a lot of us here.

Edit: I hope you have a good sleep at least. We will be here in this thread with you, no matter what.

 

[Deleted member 31858]

I do. My pets and my loved ones.

However, I have been holding as long as I can and I see that things get progressively worst for me. I am not the same person I was decades ago. I do not want to hurt / disappoint my pets or loved ones anymore.

Nah, you're not overstepping. I truly appreciate your kind words.

I wish I can change things, too…
Update on my regiment: been fasting for more than 8 hours now and didn't realize that hunger cause a little bit of stomach / ulcer pain.

I am just powering through. Maybe get an hour of sleep now to forget about the hunger…

that's true, one endures living as long as one can. Only we know what we live.
I really wish you much peace.

 

[Cathy Ames]

FWIW, I am not sure if I am peace or not suffering. Even on this D-Day, my mind is still racing 100 mph, thinking "What can I do to NOT CTB?!".

I wrote down all the things I can think of to stay alive… but I coudn't find a way out. I have tons of papers scattered at my place with writings on every possible things on what I can do…. so far it's zilch.. nothing… kaput.

Whelp... I'm glad that I saw this and can say a final good-bye. We've talked some, I've read what you've written on various threads, and I've been dreading this day, tbh.

Based on what you've written above and what you written before... well, this situation just doesn't seem right or fair. A person really ought to be able to both get help with their mental health issues AND hold down a decent job to earn a living. Also, I highly doubt that the people in your life (and your pets) see you the same way as you are seeing yourself, and it definitely will NOT make the world a better place for you to leave. I'm glad that you've been able to give your people and pets some positive and hopefully comforting things to remember when they think about the end of your life. That's who you are: conscientious to a fault.

As I told you before, I will miss you. I'm very sorry about the things that have happened to bring you to this point. I have appreciated our interactions. Thank you. I wish you the best, whatever that is.

P.S. I apologize for being kinda fragmented in my writing r.n. I could do with some sleep, myself. I'll read to the end of your thread when I wake back up again.

 

[wait.what]

I'm so sorry to hear life has brought you to this, @HubbaHubba. I am also concerned that maybe you're not sure, but ultimately I can't look into your mind from across the internet. You can absolutely message me here if you want to, though. It's getting to be the time I normally go to sleep, but honestly I don't sleep well a lot of the time anyway, so I may be able to check your thread periodically throughout the night. (Is it night there? It's night here.) There's all kinds of other folks around here too, either in this thread or in chat or one of the forums.

You don't have to contact anybody, of course. You're clearly not an over-reacting middle school child, and if you cannot face your probable future for some reason, I for one will respect your decision.

 

[HubbaHubba]

Just woke up half an hour ago and did my regiment in order:
- Ibuprofen
- Motilium
- Tagamet

Doing some final stuff now…

 

[idonthavetobehere]

Here with you.. ty for the update. <3

 

[Shu]

Were here with you bubba

 

[September5th]

Wish you well, my friend. I'm also a degenerate who only cause pain and destroy everything that's good. So, in a way, your post was relatable as all hell. Pride, ego... Same shit right here.
I'm sure your kids and pets love you. You seem to be a loveable person.

 

[Avril]

May you find the peace you deserve.

 

[Sslsh]

Hey there are you still around? If not I hope you found peace

 

[AloneInCollege]

So long. I hope you found the peace and rest you deserve.

 

[FuneralCry]

I wish you relief from suffering in whatever you decide to do. Living really is so painful and I understand that it is hard to carry on when you are so tired of everything. I hope that you find what you are looking for.