CTB this weekend

[hakku]

My roommates are going to a weekend trip up to a friend's summer house. I declined to come with them because I have other plans in mind. I'm going to CTB with SN while they are gone. I ordered the SN and got it about two months ago. I've almost run out of money and can't find a job. I've decided now is the perfect time to let go. I'm feeling some anxiety and I hope my survival instinct doesn't make me abort the mission. How do you guys cope with the feeling of impending death? Can anyone give me some advice on making peace with myself and the world before I go?

 

[Deleted member 17949]

There is no real general advice for this sadly. It all comes down to how you feel in the end, and some people will not make peace with death before dying and will instead do it impulsively. Even if you are committed to dying you may still feel like life is pushing you into it. I don't think there is a good way to ensure that kind of mental peace because for many of us this isn't a nice situation to be in and it's hard to accept.

 

[Ulisses]

that you are at peace on your journey. update your post if possible. hugs

 

[Living_Hurts_so_Much]

I wish I had the right answer for you, but I don't. I am looking forward to the peace beyond ctb and release from the pain of this life. Whatever you decide know you are supported here. May you find peace.

 

[hakku]

I'll update this post as I'm taking the SN. I really hope I don't pull out at the last second.

 

[Ulisses]

I'll update this post as I'm taking the SN. I really hope I don't pull out at the last second.

you can give up, and your life, your choice. don't feel pressured. we're here if you need to, we know the pressure of taking your own life.

 

[Living_Hurts_so_Much]

you can give up, and your life, your choice. don't feel pressured. we're here if you need to, we know the pressure of taking your own life.

Exactly. Nothing says you have to go now if it's not right. We'll be here to talk to if you need.

 

[next-season .?]

I'm sorry that your life is so bad you feel the need to CTB .
wish u peace bro

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I've been working a long time to be at peace with myself and have accomplished it, but I don't know how to give you a shortcut. It would help to know exactly what it is you want to be at peace with yourself about, what it is that hurts or burdens you and you want to let go so you can be free of it, or at least have a change in perspective that will serve you, just as not being at peace with yourself does not serve you, perhaps even harms you. If you have peace with yourself, you may have more peace with the world. I personally am not at peace with the world, but I am more accepting and aware, and more forgiving while at the same time guarded. Brené Brown says her studies have shown that the most boundaried people are the most compassionate. In my own experience that is very true. Now I have compassion for and wish for the well-being and equanimity of all, because if we all had that, we'd be far less likely to harm each other. But there's still a lot of shit that makes my soul sick, and I do my best to not let that shit in, and therefore I can be compassionate because I am somewhat safe from it.

 

[hakku]

I've been working a long time to be at peace with myself and have accomplished it, but I don't know how to give you a shortcut. It would help to know exactly what it is you want to be at peace with yourself about, what it is that hurts or burdens you and you want to let go so you can be free of it, or at least have a change in perspective that will serve you, just as not being at peace with yourself does not serve you, perhaps even harms you. If you have peace with yourself, you may have more peace with the world. I personally am not at peace with the world, but I am more accepting and aware, and more forgiving while at the same time guarded. Brené Brown says her studies have shown that the most boundaried people are the most compassionate. In my own experience that is very true. Now I have compassion for and wish for the well-being and equanimity of all, because if we all had that, we'd be far less likely to harm each other. But there's still a lot of shit that makes my soul sick, and I do my best to not let that shit in, and therefore I can be compassionate because I am somewhat safe from it.

I've held myself to standard in life that I have never met. I'm 25, and ever since I was 13, I believed I would achieve a lot in life. I thought by this time I would have a career, a viable love life, and achievements that would make my parents proud. I haven't done any of them, unfortunately. My fear of life and general anxiety has resulted in a constant state of failure for me. Everyone I know is passing me by in every aspect of their lives. I can hear in my parents voice how disappointed they are with how I've turned out. I was supposed to be the successful, smart one. Now, they are realizing that that is not the case at all. I used to watch movies and listen to music or play games and think, "Wow, this is something I would have made or am going to make". Now whenever I have these thoughts, it's more akin to "I was never good enough to do it." If I haven't done it by now, I don't think I'll ever do it. My life has been at a standstill for the past 7 years, and nothing has improved. CTB is my only escape.

I apologize for the long rant. I haven't spoken to anyone about what's in my head and this is the first time. If I'm going to CTB, consider this my suicide note.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

@hakku, I honor that you shared that. I really felt it in my heart.

It sounds like this is a dark night of the soul for you. I'm not going to make any comments or suggestions because I feel like that would be imposing myself into your situation. I'm sending you respect and compassion, such that I'm holding a space for you as you work out whatever you need to, however that looks to you.

 

[LetzteAusfahrt]

Hi hakku

I don't know if I can take the fear away from you, but I can try.

I can try to explain to you why I am looking forward to my ctb. Why I will drink my SN with clear thoughts and a smile.

There is still enough time to try until the weekend.

I would be happy if you would like to try it. If so, then contact me via PM. We have a lot to write about

 

[hakku]

Hi hakku

I don't know if I can take the fear away from you, but I can try.

I can try to explain to you why I am looking forward to my ctb. Why I will drink my SN with clear thoughts and a smile.

There is still enough time to try until the weekend.

I would be happy if you would like to try it. If so, then contact me via PM. We have a lot to write about

Thank you for offering to help me. I've sent you a PM.

 

[deleted]

i could give you advice but i need several, i can only wish you good luck dude i hope you find the peace you crave, i am a little anxious also for when i take SN