Method CTB soon.

[ThinkingOutLoud]

Title says it all. I'm exactly seven days away from CTB. On Tuesday, May 30th, assuming I do not get cold feet, I will be placing my shotgun to my head and moving on. This is also my 21st birthday, so I am likely to purchase and consume obscene amounts of alcohol so I am more likely to go through with it. I have a shitty, cheap Remington 870 clone, and some 00 buckshot ammunition.

As for my reasoning: it's rather simple. I drag everyone around me down. I can tell by the way people interact and react to me. I bring everyone down, and people such as my girlfriend are even going so far as to verbally confirm that this is the case. As such, I am just ensuring that I do not drag anyone else down ever again. It just seems like the right thing to do. I'll make a post on the 30th if I pussy out of this.


Here is the note I wrote in preparation to send to my gf and friends: "By the time you are reading this, I am likely already dead.

It's become increasingly apparent by the way others interact, and react to me, that most people would genuinely be better off having never met me. I am increasingly a burden, and draining to those around me. I am at my lowest mentally, and it is reflecting upon those around me. I legitimately believe, that should I even begin the path to recovery: most people would be unwilling to accept me, or the fact that I have changed. I see no point. I have hit the point of no return, and I am better just cutting things off now than persisting. I cannot overstate the immense guilt I feel over what my actions have done to others. I have actively dragged everyone close to me down with me. I am irredeemable. No matter how many chances I am given, I squander them all.

The weight of it all has become too much. I fully understand and accept that everything I've done has been unacceptable behavior. I know no amount of what I do or say can rectify it, so I am just commiting to the final solution, and making sure it never happens again, so I do not drag even more people down. I am actively preparing as I send this, but know if you are reading this: it is already too late. There is nothing you could have done to prevent this."

Feel free to critique my note before I finally send it out.

 

[FuneralCry]

I wish you the best with your plans and I hope that when the time is right for you to leave you find the freedom that you are searching for.

 

[SoftWorries]

Here is my critique because you asked for it:

If your intention is not to drag people down this note will do the opposite.

I feel suicide notes written to loved ones should be to comfort those being left behind and to clarify their lack of responsibility in the death. However, you could write this if saying these things are the peace you need before passing away.

They won't agree that you are a burden and will blame themselves for not doing more not to make you feel like this.

I think a good psychologist/psychiatrist would be needed for each family member after reading it to assure them of their reality and that your feeling like a burden was a reflection of your depressed mental state and not anything they did or could have done. That might be difficult for them to obtain.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Would you explain how you are dragging others down? Sometimes our impressions aren't actually what is really going on, though you said your girlfriend has told you as much. What exactly has she said?

I want you to know that your right to continue to live isn't contingent on your popularity or what other people may or may not think of you. Ironically by killing yourself to avoid dragging people down you will be probably doing that more than you ever could in life.

There are people who will accept and affirm you. They may be uncommon, but they do exist.

 

[ThinkingOutLoud]

Would you explain how you are dragging others down? Sometimes our impressions aren't actually what is really going on, though you said your girlfriend has told you as much. What exactly has she said?

I want you to know that your right to continue to live isn't contingent on your popularity or what other people may or may not think of you. Ironically by killing yourself to avoid dragging people down you will be probably doing that more than you ever could in life.

There are people who will accept and affirm you. They may be uncommon, but they do exist.

I am not concerned with popularity. I never have been, and I have spent much of my life alone with little or no friends. My concern, is moreso, that I am actively detrimental to those around me. People suffer for being associated with me in the long term, and as such I am just ensuring nobody else suffers for being around me. My gf has been repeating something along the lines of how everyone around me has agreed I am a detriment and they want nothing to do with me. I don't remember exactly what she said, as it has been a week and it was in person. I think the exact quote was something about how I am sinking, and I am desperately clawing for help whilst sinking, and as a result dragging anything I can grab onto down with me.

 

[heavyeyes]

I'm sorry the people around see you as a burden. You don't deserve that. I hope you find the peace you're looking for whenever you're ready

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I am not concerned with popularity. I never have been, and I have spent much of my life alone with little or no friends. My concern, is moreso, that I am actively detrimental to those around me. People suffer for being associated with me in the long term, and as such I am just ensuring nobody else suffers for being around me. My gf has been repeating something along the lines of how everyone around me has agreed I am a detriment and they want nothing to do with me. I don't remember exactly what she said, as it has been a week and it was in person. I think the exact quote was something about how I am sinking, and I am desperately clawing for help whilst sinking, and as a result dragging anything I can grab onto down with me.

I just meant other people's opinions don't mean you're not entitled to your existence. It sounds like you're saying that people suffer because you are suffering, not that you are trying to harm them. Not everyone can handle other people's emotional pain but that doesn't mean you don't deserve support or that you're obliged to kill yourself to spare them discomfort. Your girlfriend's lack of a compassion reflects on her, not you.