CTB seems to be the only alternative - rant

[Tired_of_myself]

This is going to be a long text, I don't even know if anyone will read it, but I'm going to rant - maybe it will help someone feel welcomed. When I read something that I identify with, I feel a little less like shit in this world. Anyway, sorry for the inconvenience.

I've been battling depression since I was a kid, like many others here. Years of therapy, medication, improvements and worsening. Last year I hit rock bottom. I tried CTB and failed. I was forced to go to therapy, took medication (lithium was the only one that helped me) and kept going. Today I have a functional life again, a job that I do well, few friends but loyal friends, a loving wife, and a nice family that helps me.

However, the days go by very slowly, with less and less meaning. I feel very alone, people talk too much about themselves and I don't identify with that. On social media, people sell themselves too much and I don't identify with that. I was already depressed in a world without too many screens, in this world of screens, depression seems to have become a bargaining chip to stay online more and more, for me to stay holding a phone until I can't take it anymore and wishing to buy something I don't need.

If I let go of the screens and stay offline, go to the gym or run or ride a bike and I feel in the air a dynamic of a life that doesn't belong to me, an eternal feeling that I will never be part of this world because I simply never wanted to participate in its rules.

Today I worked a lot, and I thought: why? I lay down on the floor after work (I work from home), motionless. Living is so pathetic.

I will restart my CTB plan. I will try hanging again. Just not sure when, but I'm now settle in the idea in my brain again - I was in recovery mood, just holding into a hope - hope for a better future that don't seem possible.

 

[rogernelson]

I can 100% relate.

I have had the urge to not participate since I was 9 or 10 years old, never undertood why it makes sense to be alive or create more people so I never did.
Now I am married and have played the game as much as I can, now I am exhausted and tired of living for someone else's hapiness.

Everything is ready in order to CTB, but struggeling to do it due to the people who need to deal with my passing.(e.g my mom still alive)

Pure torture, have a good job, money but deeply depressed about this life and cannot wait to exit,.

 

[LunarLight]

sorry for the inconvenience.

Don't be sorry, it's a pleasure to read you! I do feel less alone when I find some people I can relate to and I'm sure I'm not the only one here.

took medication (lithium was the only one that helped me)

Well, at least something did help! Lithium never helped me, but L-Methylfolate did (for only a month though), as well as amisulpride. Of course, nothing could beat oxycodone, heroin or pregabalin - opioids in particular gave me a sense of normalcy, although I obviously eventually built up a tolerance and now it just helps me get through the day (let's say I'll probably CTB the day I don't have any more money to buy H).

Today I have a functional life again, a job that I do well, few friends but loyal friends, a loving wife, and a nice family that helps me.

Terrific news!

I will try hanging again.

Will you try partial or full suspension?

 

[Tired_of_myself]

Don't be sorry, it's a pleasure to read you! I do feel less alone when I find some people I can relate to and I'm sure I'm not the only one here.


Well, at least something did help! Lithium never helped me, but L-Methylfolate did (for only a month though), as well as amisulpride. Of course, nothing could beat oxycodone, heroin or pregabalin - opioids in particular gave me a sense of normalcy, although I obviously eventually built up a tolerance and now it just helps me get through the day (let's say I'll probably CTB the day I don't have any more money to buy H).

Terrific news!


Will you try partial or full suspension?

Thanks for the support.

Where I live is pretty hard to find opioids, I don't know how it feels. The sense of normalcy seems pretty amazing, I never felt that I guess… don't know

I'm studying the possibilities of partial or suspension… I'm considering partial for practical reasons… I can practice too, I don't want things to go wrong this time because last year I've got pretty trapped in my everyday life because I survived an attempt.

I can 100% relate.

I have had the urge to not participate since I was 9 or 10 years old, never undertood why it makes sense to be alive or create more people so I never did.
Now I am married and have played the game as much as I can, now I am exhausted and tired of living for someone else's hapiness.

Everything is ready in order to CTB, but struggeling to do it due to the people who need to deal with my passing.(e.g my mom still alive)

Pure torture, have a good job, money but deeply depressed about this life and cannot wait to exit,.

It's pretty exhausting to pretend normalcy. I'm also struggling about the people… I once set the goal to CTB after my mom pass… but my mind is fading, don't know If I can wait.