ctb really brings me hope

[Traveller12724]

The first time I tried to ctb was 11 years ago via hanging but SI kicked in and I convinced myself that I could keep fighting and turn my life for the better. I did have a lot of potential, I was one the best STEM students all throughout highschool and college but I still couldn't escape the depression and emotional turmoil that stemmed from my disability and lack of acceptance from my own family, all throughout childhood they made me internalize the feeling that the disability was my own fault even though I was born with it. I have hated myself for as long as I can remember.

Still I put on a brave face and try to fight through life, be a good student, try to help as many people as I could, including my family, but I feel like my journey is almost at the end, I can't bear the thought of keeping living anymore, and this is not some depression episode, no I have taken the time to think everything through, I have done my best to make my life meaningful but in the end I realized it was all a losing game, I lost the game the minute I was born with that damn disability that couldn't leave me the fuck alone.

So here I am towards the end of the journey, I think I will ctb towards the end of the year, I am gathering all the resources I need, and this time I won't be naive to think that things could ever get better than they were because I have fought for 11 years and lost anyway. I fought until the end so I can now hold my head high and go in peace. I am gonna make a bucket list as well and make sure to check a few things off first before I go. I love this Forum, it's like in that TV show the 100 when Jasper gathers all the people who wanted to die instead of living in a cave for 5 years.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Are you referring to being autistic by any chance?

Wish you peace. What matters is that we are at peace ourselves with the effort we have made.

 

[Traveller12724]

Are you referring to being autistic by any chance?

Wish you peace. What matters is that we are at peace ourselves with the effort we have made.

No, not autism, I didn't specify it in case anyone ever finds this, so they can't easily identify me.
But thanks for well wishes, I hope you are at peace with yourself as well. I will try to stick around on this forum and try to get to know people until I eventually ctb, I hope there will be someone there on my goodbye thread so I don't feel alone.

 

[Pomegranate]

Congenital disabilities suck. There is something specially cruel about a debilitating disease that accompanies you from the moment you were developing in your mother's womb to the moment you die. And what makes it sadder is that scientific understanding remains deeply lacking. We hear about "scientific advances" all the time, yet scientists remain as confused as ever. It shows the despair of the medical community when a single type of medication is prescribed to treat disorders from depression and post-traumatic stress to social anxiety and panic. I'm confident many, if not most, of these disabilities will be cured, but I sincerely doubt it will be in my lifetime. I empathize with your decades-long struggle with problems you never asked for. We all want relief from our agonies, and we typically don't resort to CTB until we have tried many other options.

 

[Traveller12724]

Congenital disabilities suck. There is something specially cruel about a debilitating disease that accompanies you from the moment you were developing in your mother's womb to the moment you die. And what makes it sadder is that scientific understanding remains deeply lacking. We hear about "scientific advances" all the time, yet scientists remain as confused as ever. It shows the despair of the medical community when a single type of medication is prescribed to treat disorders from depression and post-traumatic stress to social anxiety and panic. I'm confident many, if not most, of these disabilities will be cured, but I sincerely doubt it will be in my lifetime. I empathize with your decades-long struggle with problems you never asked for. We all want relief from our agonies, and we typically don't resort to CTB until we have tried many other options.

Thank you for empathizing with me, it's really good to find fellow travellers and be able to communicate honestly without them judging your decision. Whoever criticizes this forum should feel privileged that the circumstances of their lives have allowed them to adopt a holier-than-though attitude, because for some of us this forum does bring comfort and closeness towards the end of our journey when we need it most.

 

[FuneralCry]

I wish you the best of luck in your plans and I hope that you find the freedom you search for.