Venting CTB plan has started but starting to get cold feet

[Princess_Kitty]

So I just started the 1st step to my CTB. Finally found a source for SN and purchased it. This is what I've been wanting for so long. But, the thing is after I purchased it the realization that this is really happening hit me really hard. My hands started shaking and I started having a mini panic attack. I honestly don't know what to do or think. I just want all this pain to end, I've been in so much pain. I don't find joy in anything anymore.

I know if I don't CTB this year I'll just end up trying again sooner or later. I'm exhausted of everything. Constantly crying myself to sleep every night. Despite all of that... I know there's still a tiny part of me that wants to live. But, the other part that wants to end it all has already taken over. The loneliness is the worse part of it all.

Just like my 2nd attempt last year, if I don't do this I know I will end up regretting it later down the road. I just don't know what to do anymore...

 

[rozeske]

Deciding to ctb is the biggest decision you ever make. Don't be so hard on your self for panicking and not going through with it. Just take a step back and think it through. This is not something to be rushed. I wish you luck what ever you decide on

 

[Forever Sleep]

I guess it depends on how impulsive you are but really- this is simply a purchase of something. It isn't a commitment to use it. Once it arrives, store it away safely and try to forget about it- if you're having second thoughts. You probably have loads of stuff in your home you could potentially harm yourself with but- you haven't (have you?) In a way, this is just one more.

Of course- that does depend on how impulsive you are. I'm not impulsive with that kind of thing. I've had mine for over a year now. I guess we're all different. If I'm honest, I'm glad I got mine when I did because I feel sure it's only going to get harder to get hold of.

If you're having doubts about the whole thing- then- maybe just follow that line of thought. Don't feel you are forcing yourself in to a decision. I think it's important to be sure if/when we commit. Maybe this is what you needed to know maybe this isn't what you want right now. I don't know. Maybe just take time to think about it all more.

 

[Princess_Kitty]

Thank you! . I decided that I'm going to commit to it. I just don't know when yet. Maybe next year who knows. I tried to reach out to talk to my sister but she kinda just ignores me. I didn't say anything about CTB. That was the last straw for me. That's what I mean about the loneliness.

I will probably just keep my SN stored away safe for when I do decide to actually attempt it. And you're right it's just going to get harder to get a hold of later on.

 

[_Broken_alice]

Sorry about the loneliness. We understand that all too well now. It is so crushing. We also often cry ourselves to sleep from the pain of it on top of everything else. It just makes everything else unbearable.
We are also just holding onto our SN for now. It's nice to have before it becomes impossible to obtain.
Since getting it, our mental state has become much more peaceful. Just knowing we have a way out has lifted a massive burden, and paradoxically, our urges to CTB.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with not going through with it until you are ready.

 

[SaveOurLastGoodbye]

I know how horrible it feels to be alone. I too have thought about catching the bus but never really acted on the thoughts. It's like no matter how much I hurt inside, there's just a part of me that is too afraid of what happens after; whether I would be reincarnated as a house fly, go to some sort of afterlife, or just be stuck in a dark limbo forever, it's something that has always held me back, alongside the fear of the potential pain.

 

[Princess_Kitty]

Sorry about the loneliness. We understand that all too well now. It is so crushing. We also often cry ourselves to sleep from the pain of it on top of everything else. It just makes everything else unbearable.
We are also just holding onto our SN for now. It's nice to have before it becomes impossible to obtain.
Since getting it, our mental state has become much more peaceful. Just knowing we have a way out has lifted a massive burden, and paradoxically, our urges to CTB.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with not going through with it until you are ready.

Thank you for those kind words. I am waiting for my SN to arrive. I'll probably hold on to it until I'm ready. Your right, it is peaceful knowing that you have a way out.

I know how horrible it feels to be alone. I too have thought about catching the bus but never really acted on the thoughts. It's like no matter how much I hurt inside, there's just a part of me that is too afraid of what happens after; whether I would be reincarnated as a house fly, go to some sort of afterlife, or just be stuck in a dark limbo forever, it's something that has always held me back, alongside the fear of the potential pain.

That is a huge part of my CTB'ing, the loneliness. Thankfully this community has helped with that a lot. I think I'm okay with whatever happens after, before I was scared but now I just feel happy knowing I'll finally be at peace when I CTB.