Discussion CTB only thing that gets me through the day

[Gromit-CTB]

Planning my CTB is the only thing that gets me through the day.

For the past 3 months all I can do to "survive" the day is plan my CTB. Have many failed attempts over the years dating back to early 80s. Have lost so many dear to me, the last one was last Saturday.

I am waiting and hoping for SN to arrive but doubt this will come as UK has cracked down on it.

I cannot for health and mental health reasons do most methods. Hanging, jumping for example

I have changed and tweaked current method a few times recently, mainly because of threads on here (yes I know we are all different and tolerate different pain and levels of toxicants)

Currently my plans (if the SN doesn't arrive) are
Phenergan tables 1400mg
B17 tablets 120 x 600mg
Caffeine powder 30mg
Small amount of alcohol (a shot or two) - undecided
Paracetamol 32 X 500mg

I have tried many ODs (at least 10 - brain is mushed a little so could be way more) never had stomach pumped. Obviously all failed.

Have really got to last straw a long time ago and only want to do one more attempt. I know nothing is guaranteed but am so desperate for this to work don't know how I will feel if I fail again.

Sorry for long post and rant, but this is only place I can be open about feelings. I know I have changed and altered plans from previous posts but am just at the point I will add anything to list to make sure.

I know some may say desperate feelings are not good for ctb and rushed plans are never good but the above methods are 3 months of planning and tweaking.

All I want is ctb - want to go into the darkness and never feel this world again.

 

[awfullife]

Me too brother. Its fucking tiring but what else am I to do? Living life in misery for next 40 years doesnt sound too good.

 

[Gromit-CTB]

Me too brother. Its fucking tiring but what else am I to do? Living life in misery for next 40 years doesnt sound too good.

I've done almost 50 years of this crap can't think of anything worse than 5 more minutes of it

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

Having the escape plan provides a surprising degree of comfort. Just knowing that you can go if you really wanted to is helpful. It almost puts you at east. When my husband found my SN months ago and got rid of it, I was livid. He took away my choice. I've since re-stocked and am ready to go again, but I know how different it feels to not have a plan of action vs having one.

 

[Gromit-CTB]

Having the escape plan provides a surprising degree of comfort. Just knowing that you can go if you really wanted to is helpful. It almost puts you at east. When my husband found my SN months ago and got rid of it, I was livid. He took away my choice. I've since re-stocked and am ready to go again, but I know how different it feels to not have a plan of action vs having one.

The eternal wait for SN is crushing me. Never liked plan B but always tried my Plan A's and failed so maybe that's a sign. But totally agree on knowing plan and when you have the supplies

 

[AutoTap]

I'm waiting for my sn too

 

[Echo81]

I wake up thinking about it. This is the song that never ends. Yes it goes on and on my friends. Some people stated singing it not knowing what it was.....barney and friends....

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

I wake up thinking about it. This is the song that never ends. Yes it goes on and on my friends. Some people stated singing it not knowing what it was.....barney and friends....

Pretty sure that was Lambchop's Sing-Along, actually. Barney went, "Barney is a dinosaur from our imagination..."

Now you have me reliving all these kids' shows theme songs in my head. ^_^

 

[Echo81]

Pretty sure that was Lambchop's Sing-Along, actually. Barney went, "Barney is a dinosaur from our imagination..."

Now you have me reliving all these kids' shows theme songs in my head. ^_^

Damn you're right lol. My bad it's been 30 years lol

 

[EmbraceOfTheVoid]

Pretty sure that was Lambchop's Sing-Along, actually. Barney went, "Barney is a dinosaur from our imagination..."

Now you have me reliving all these kids' shows theme songs in my head. ^_^

@Echo81 made me sing this in my head:

C-T-B, it's easy as 1-2-3, C-T-B!

 

[Echo81]

@Echo81 made me sing this in my head:

C-T-B, it's easy as 1-2-3, C-T-B!

Awww maaannn! I have a really sick idea now. Editing children's songs and such with suicide lyrics.

 

[Bensharp]

Gromit is gone, fly high among the angels