a couple of days after joining SS, and after ordering my SN, i had a nightmare about CtB: i was in a strange house, though in my own bed, and with my own bedside table, on which was a premixed glass of SN. i drank it, lay down, shut my eyes... and quickly started panicking. i thought about calling emergency services, but instead the police somehow materialised in the room. i was desperately trying to tell them to give me the antidote, but i couldn't remember the phrase "methylene blue". this wouldn't have helped anyway, as i found myself unable to speak. i was running around the room, struggling to survive, trying to find a way to signal what i'd taken, but couldn't find anything to write on or come up with a single effective way to communicate. the panic just kept rising.
this dream ended with my waking up into a bout of sleep paralysis, during which i hallucinated that there was an ultrasharp blade running the full length of my throat, which would slice into my neck every time i inhaled. when i exhaled, the blade would stop slicing. eventually i managed to struggle out of the sleep paralysis and wake up truly, feeling my neck to confirm that there was in fact no wound.
this episode happened at the tail end of >80 hours without sleep; i usually get vivid/horrific dreams when i'm awake that long. i try not to let my dreams affect me but it rattled my confidence in CtB and i became more afraid of the SN unknowns since then. i've had some other, vague death/suicide nightmares since then but none which affected me that much. can't believe it's been ~6 weeks. i'm disappointed it affected me that much -- need to work on it.
