Venting ctb next week

[brokenwaves]

i'm finally going to ctb next week...
i haven't picked the exact day yet, i'm thinking mid-week, it depends on a few things. definitely next week though, god it feels so surreal to think it's happening in basically a few days. it almost feels too 'good' to be true, like am i really going to escape this shit? i've been kicked down so many times, it feels like this life won't let me out of its grasp. but i'm beyond tired of it all now, i'm using all my strength to make sure i'm getting out of here. i feel a peace inside me knowing i'll be free of all this weight i've been carrying my whole life, but also a lot of guilt and sadness when i think of my loved ones.

i'm sad that the act that will free me from pain, will cause pain for others. the few people i am close to, they can be uncaring and cruel at times, but they do have a love for me i think. and my death will cause them pain. the main people i am worrying about, and who have caused me to postpone my ctb for years, are my sister's four kids. they're young (ages ranging from 2-13) and i'm quite close to them as i've lived with them for about a year, and saw them regularly before then too. they're such lovely little humans and i feel horrible that they will experience grief so young, and i feel weird that in time they will 'forget' me, and that i can't see them grow and be there for them.

but one thing i've learned in this life is that it is almost impossible to stay alive solely for other people. i can't live my life suffering, carrying the weight of severe trauma & mental illness, just so i don't hurt people. the pain my death causes will be my one regret in life, but this death is inevitable, this pain is not something i asked for. in fact, i've spent the greater part of my life fighting it and trying to recover. i don't have anything left to give now.

i'll still try to be a bit active on here over my remaining days, as it's the only place i can be open and honest about this experience. and i will post a proper farewell too the day before i ctb. thanks for reading

 

[LittleJem]

I feel you.
I feel exactly the same as you. I can't keep suffering to prevent others from suffering. I have also tried to recover. This is the reality of chronic mental illness, none of us would choose to feel like this, then we can endure it for a while maybe for those we love, but not forever.

Stay in touch with us. I want to salute your courage and your love for your family, and also your love for yourself, because all of those things are here.

 

[Reap94]

The only problem is you've been taught a lie. It's a myth people feel pain when others suicide. It's just a temporary expression.

 

[brokenwaves]

I feel you.
I feel exactly the same as you. I can't keep suffering to prevent others from suffering. I have also tried to recover. This is the reality of chronic mental illness, none of us would choose to feel like this, then we can endure it for a while maybe for those we love, but not forever.

Stay in touch with us. I want to salute your courage and your love for your family, and also your love for yourself, because all of those things are here.

thank you for your beautiful message, i truly appreciate your words. i'm sorry that you too know the same suffering, it's an awful burden to have - and it's a tiring battle trying to recover, especially after losing any sense of hope. it's impossible to keep trying to avoid hurting others while our own pain worsens and worsens. i don't want to grow bitter from my suffering, and i don't want to lose more of myself to my mental illnesses. and i'm so glad i found this website so i could speak (even briefly) with people like you, it's a beautiful thing to see us all support one another, even in our darkest moments. i wish you all the strength you need on your journey ahead, wherever it leads you

 

[FuneralCry]

I feel like it is impossible to stay alive just for others, I know they will be sad, but it isn't like we asked for this life filled with suffering. I'm sorry that life has been cruel to you, if this is your choice then I wish you peace.