CTB is so hard even after you have acquired all materials and are absolutely sure about doing it

[swaraj]

I have been backing out of it for months now. And now I'm starting to worry if the final step is too difficult to do.
I have fasted many days in the last few months to prepare to take my SN. Two times I even took the antiemetics and paracetamol but then couldn't move forward.
And it's not about being unsure about my decision. I am absolutely sure mentally, emotionally and physically that it's best for me to CTB.

 

[lachrymost]

I know. I'm so scared I'll chicken out forever and live out my natural longevity. Horrifying, horrifying, horrifying.

 

[swaraj]

I know. I'm so scared I'll chicken out forever and live out my natural longevity. Horrifying, horrifying, horrifying.

I don't even want to think about such a possibility.
I just daydream about drinking the horrid liquid and feeling sick and passing out.

 

[rotciv]

Your mind will trick you until the day you have nothing to lose, if that day ever comes

 

[FuneralCry]

After all, as humans we are all programmed to survive even if one is fully aware that suicide is what they wish for. Suicide really isn't straightforward.

 

[PurpleVoid]

Same. I feel for you - it's exactly what I'm afraid of. I have enough money to buy a gun, but only for a short time, and then I'll be back to looking for other solutions. Once I buy it, there's no going back because I'll be out of money. But I'm pretty certain that once I've got it pointed in the right place, I won't be able to overcome the mental hurdle of pulling the trigger. I'm really bad with stuff where I have to overcome natural blocks. It took me a half hour to prick myself with a needle for a home blood test.

I hope you're able to do whatever is right for you. It sucks being in-between.

 

[swaraj]

After all, as humans we are all programmed to survive even if one is fully aware that suicide is what they wish for. Suicide really isn't straightforward.

Thanks for saying this.
It's a good reminder.

Same. I feel for you - it's exactly what I'm afraid of. I have enough money to buy a gun, but only for a short time, and then I'll be back to looking for other solutions. Once I buy it, there's no going back because I'll be out of money. But I'm pretty certain that once I've got it pointed in the right place, I won't be able to overcome the mental hurdle of pulling the trigger. I'm really bad with stuff where I have to overcome natural blocks. It took me a half hour to prick myself with a needle for a home blood test.

I relate to it so much. I'm terrified of how I'm going to overcome my SI in the last few minutes.

I hope you're able to do whatever is right for you. It sucks being in-between.

Yes it sucks so much. I hope for the same for you

 

[Lost Magic]

It's one of the most difficult things a human can go through with. We are just wired to survive.

 

[skylarwhiteyo104781]

And it's not about being unsure about my decision. I am absolutely sure mentally, emotionally and physically that it's best for me to CTB.

the si really be kicking in it's crazy.

first attempt by hanging i was probably a minute away from ctb but i just had to get up. can't describe the feeling.

second attempt with sn i got most of the mixture down, threw up, and couldn't bring myself to take more. somehow has been around 5 months since that attempt and i'm still here even tho i have my bottle of sn in my nightstand drawer.

i need to just GO FOR IT.

 

[swaraj]

second attempt with sn i got most of the mixture down, threw up, and couldn't bring myself to take more. somehow has been around 5 months since that attempt and i'm still here even tho i have my bottle of sn in my nightstand drawer.

Sounds so scary. I'm so sorry. Did you stick to the protocol of antiemetics and fasting?

 

[skylarwhiteyo104781]

Sounds so scary. I'm so sorry. Did you stick to the protocol of antiemetics and fasting?

i have a post up about it, but yeah i fasted and couldn't get my hands on the antiemetics recommended but i got zofran.

didn't throw up that much, just gagged a lot. i think if i had drunken the full
mixture i would have successfully ctb.

 

[Bobert_Beniro]

Maybe you're just afraid of pain? I am not afraid of death itself, but of the sensations that I must experience before that. You probably won't worry about it if there's no other chance. Imagine yourself homeless and chronically ill, it seems to me that in this case there is only 1 option

 

[Anon7b8]

i have a post up about it, but yeah i fasted and couldn't get my hands on the antiemetics recommended but i got zofran.

didn't throw up that much, just gagged a lot. i think if i had drunken the full
mixture i would have successfully ctb.

Is your sn still nitrite and not nitrate? I have read previous posts that sn can turn into nitrate if it's been exposed for too long?

 

[skylarwhiteyo104781]

Is your sn still nitrite and not nitrate? I have read previous posts that sn can turn into nitrate if it's been exposed for too long?

if you can, can you tag or send me in those posts? curious.

can't say for sure, i mixed the mixture a couple hours (1 or 2?) before i worked myself up to drink it. how long does it take for it to turn into nitrate? and how do you know?

 

[swaraj]

Maybe you're just afraid of pain? I am not afraid of death itself, but of the sensations that I must experience before that.

Oh totally! I don't have much qualms about death itself, or afterlife for that matter. I'm not religious so the most I have thought about it is that I am going to look at my body and the rest of humanity beyond a conscious existence. The fear of failure and pain before death are the scary bits.

 

[Wyldfyre4948]

I'm getting close to my date to ctb, but I was thinking of holding off just to make sure everything will work properly. This is making me wonder if I'm not going to be able to do it if I put the date off. Got the rebreather and a cartridge, but I need to test it and I need more cartridges for that. It sucks to want to die, but even having everything struggling to actually pull the trigger is difficult.

 

[ToTheTwillight]

Yeah I posted about how I plan to 'CTB tomorrow', that was like 2 months ago. I got the SN and it's hard for me to fast, wish I had a gun because then I could just do it the instant I want, rather than try and fast for the night to have a window of opportunity only to chicken out

 

[swaraj]

I'm getting close to my date to ctb, but I was thinking of holding off just to make sure everything will work properly. This is making me wonder if I'm not going to be able to do it if I put the date off. Got the rebreather and a cartridge, but I need to test it and I need more cartridges for that. It sucks to want to die, but even having everything struggling to actually pull the trigger is difficult.

A lot of us on the platform have been in this stage for months/years. Take your time

 

[wagner2029]

I'm going through this, I'm in a deep depression, I've suffered from this for more than 20 years, my days are limited to wasting my time on YouTube between one appointment and another, my nitrogen cylinder is next to my bed, I was intending to do today, but I don't know if I'll make it, I read in another post saying that I wasn't ready yet, I agree.
I feel an enormous distress, a horrible feeling, I can't describe it, I end up lying to myself saying that I'm not in a hurry and I end up postponing it.
I miss talking to someone about this.

Yeah I posted about how I plan to 'CTB tomorrow', that was like 2 months ago. I got the SN and it's hard for me to fast, wish I had a gun because then I could just do it the instant I want, rather than try and fast for the night to have a window of opportunity only to chicken out

the correct procedure is to put the barrel of the gun in your mouth, tilt it slightly up and to your left, that way you hit the cerebellum and there is no possibility of survival, instant death.

 

[swaraj]

Yeah I posted about how I plan to 'CTB tomorrow', that was like 2 months ago. I got the SN and it's hard for me to fast, wish I had a gun because then I could just do it the instant I want, rather than try and fast for the night to have a window of opportunity only to chicken out

Every method has its pros and cons. I have been through the same debate about different methods. It's always the one you don't have access to that you think is the best one. It's just SI veiled as "better methods out there".

I'm going through this, I'm in a deep depression, I've suffered from this for more than 20 years, my days are limited to wasting my time on YouTube between one appointment and another

I so relate to this. One glimmer of hope I got today and now I'll ride for a couple of days.

 

[ihatethisplanet]

I want to do it so badly. I would be permanently finished with mourning my dog, worrying about a divorce, dealing with my jackass husband, fear of being alone since I'm not young, finding a place to live and dealing with all of the tasks that seem simple but feel like climbing a mountain to me, but I'm afraid of hell. My friend told me today that there is a reason I'm here and to think about what I'd like to be remembered for. I told her I'd rather be forgotten.

The future looks so bleak that I want to take a heaping dose of Klonopin, quickly put a bag on my head and suffocate, but there is just that big fear of dying and going to a worse place than this.

 

[wagner2029]

in a loop of dream and disillusionment believing that something will happen...
Yeah, I'm in the middle of that too.

I want to do it so badly. I would be permanently finished with mourning my dog, worrying about a divorce, dealing with my jackass husband, fear of being alone since I'm not young, finding a place to live and dealing with all of the tasks that seem simple but feel like climbing a mountain to me, but I'm afraid of hell. My friend told me today that there is a reason I'm here and to think about what I'd like to be remembered for. I told her I'd rather be forgotten.

The future looks so bleak that I want to take a heaping dose of Klonopin, quickly put a bag on my head and suffocate, but there is just that big fear of dying and going to a worse place than this.

I am going through the exact same situation.
there are psychographed letters, I don't know if that's what they call it in English, it leaves me with a doubt, is there something after death?
will i be punished?
what would be the reason for everything that happens to me? maybe if i was the guy who accelerated the trucks in the gas chambers in WWII and was being punished for it i could understand.

 

[Anon7b8]

if you can, can you tag or send me in those posts? curious.

can't say for sure, i mixed the mixture a couple hours (1 or 2?) before i worked myself up to drink it. how long does it take for it to turn into nitrate? and how do you know?

It's in one of the posts at sn megathread... Around page 500 iirc... I'm also looking for it again...

 

[f1lth]

yeah i get this, its so awful and im terrified i wont be able to go through with it. I want to do a full suspension hanging from a high spot of a tree. Im hoping if i cant do it myself that ill slip or something

 

[DeadHead]

It's a living hell, especially when you have no choice in the matter and have to do it before your medical condition gets so bad that you might become incapacitated and left at the mercy of a ruthless system. But the demiurge loves our suffering, thrives on it, feeds off it.

 

[Wyldfyre4948]

A lot of us on the platform have been in this stage for months/years. Take your time

Yeah I get that. Dying is the last thing everyone does. If I take my time I'll be able to properly test the method. I'm ready to ctb, but I don't want to fail again.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm fairly sure I will be like this too. I want to wait for my Dad to go first but I think I'm kidding myself thinking I'll just be able to go ahead with it afterwards. I do have the SN method ready but it's definitely scary. Maybe if we knew we wouldn't suffer or- we would only suffer a little and then- definitely die- it would be ok. It's the uncertainty of it that bothers me.

 

[Wants-To-End]

I have been backing out of it for months now. And now I'm starting to worry if the final step is too difficult to do.
I have fasted many days in the last few months to prepare to take my SN. Two times I even took the antiemetics and paracetamol but then couldn't move forward.
And it's not about being unsure about my decision. I am absolutely sure mentally, emotionally and physically that it's best for me to CTB.

My only worry is getting caught, before my death
But however, I never attempted the suicide yet, so only then I would know, hope, I'll do it with emotional strength
Best of luck for u too, to do it quickly as much as possible

 

[Anon7b8]

if you can, can you tag or send me in those posts? curious.

can't say for sure, i mixed the mixture a couple hours (1 or 2?) before i worked myself up to drink it. how long does it take for it to turn into nitrate? and how do you know?

Found it. I think you're still good.

I just found this information, and I think it is important:

On the other hand, E. Divers3, Sir P. C. Rây4, C. Russworm5, M. Oswald6, and others observed no oxidation of solutions of nitrites in air. C. Matignon and G. Marchal7 reported that an aqueous solution of sodium nitrite is not oxidised by prolonged contact with oxygen, under a pressure of 50–55 atmospheres, even in the presence of a catalyst. But when the pressure is raised to 175 atmospheres and temperature to 395°–530°, solid sodium nitrite is almost completely oxidised to nitrate.

So in normal conditions oxidation won't happen, it would happen in extreme pressure and temperature.

 

[AnonElipso]

I have been backing out of it for months now. And now I'm starting to worry if the final step is too difficult to do.
I have fasted many days in the last few months to prepare to take my SN. Two times I even took the antiemetics and paracetamol but then couldn't move forward.
And it's not about being unsure about my decision. I am absolutely sure mentally, emotionally and physically that it's best for me to CTB.

If you are scared you should definetly not do it. It is a decision you cant undo. Dont push yourself to do it. Give yourself time to think about it. And maybe try to get a therapist. In many cases it really helps and if it doesnt than just f it. At least you tried. I wish you good luck and hope the best