Venting ctb "irrational" because i am young?

[sorrowful]

Hello. This will be a quite long, thank you to anyone who reads. I'll be talking a bit about me, my life, and what has led me here. I also would like to know if anyone thinks my decisions are irrational. I've been told it before, that I am not thinking properly because of my mental health issues. To me, I believe I am thinking clearly, though I guess I wouldn't be able to tell.

I do not remember much from my early childhood, but I was told a few stories later on. My mother was a heroin addict (would steal my belongings and sell them to get drugs drugs) and was young when she had me, my father quite older, sex offender etc. Not a very good beginning. I ended up in custody of my grandparents, and my mother would remain in and out of my life a lot. I'd see her, she'd disappear for 5 years and pop-up again with all sorts of "sorries" and repeat. I knew she couldn't look after me when I was very young, a lot of the time she'd be passed out but I don't get why she still does it now. I feel very unwanted by her, then again I understand how much she has struggled too. I always thought it never bothered me much, I didn't think of her too often from what I recall. That was just how it was and I accepted it. I still don't feel much towards the whole thing, but as I've grown I realized it had to of impacted me in some way. Recently, I found out my father died of an overdose, it's strange. He is awful, and I hate him. But, there are things I wish I could of asked him. Adding onto my family, my grandmother was diagnosed with cancer a few months ago. She is the person who raised me so, it has been hard. I am sticking around for her. My family does not have much money, our house is filthy, mold which we get sick from often. I have tried to help with cleaning but it is almost impossible. My grandfather is a bit of a hoarder, and has breathing difficulties so cleaning is hard for him. We have barely had people in the house because of this. Whenever my doctor comes around, I feel so ashamed. I do not blame my grandparents. They have done what they could and they looked after me, I just wish things did not get this bad. Though I know I can't leave my grandmother like this.

I know that I had difficulties as a child. I felt empty, or upset a lot. I was indifferent to the other people at school. I had strange thoughts and acted in strange ways, I started self-harming at 8 and saw the school counsellor occasionally (horrible experience, fuck you ms devas). I never was also never able to talk to people because I had, and still have, something called "selective mutism", I almost switch off in any kind of talking situation. 1 on 1, groups, hell even phone calls/voice messages so that has made it hard to make any type of friendships. I didn't really care if I was alone, but it did feel humiliating to always be alone.

Slightly more triggering. I have a history of sexual trauma, being 12 when I was first raped, and then forced into sexual acts with multiple people in exchange for money/drugs. I guess it was forced prostitution. I stopped caring when it would happen. I'd just try find something to focus on, like an imperfection in the wall. I'd stare at that imperfection until it was over and then move on with my day. I never cried. If I ever was assaulted on the street it hardly meant anything to me. I simply couldn't care. I'd already been through worse and it was nothing new to me. My teenage years were rough, I really discovered how cruel people were.

Due to mental struggles, I dropped out of school at 15. I never had any interest in the "help" I was offered to get back into education. I still have time now as I could go to university, I just don't want to because I believe I will CTB soon. This also includes not getting a job/being able to, so financially I would be in trouble if I were to go on another few years. I also believe I am a burden to my family right now, as I'm not a child anymore, I should have my own job and be doing things on my own. They have bigger things to worry about than having to still care for me, they say I shouldn't worry but I can tell when they say it that they don't mean it. I do cause them a number of issues, with my own drug use (fell into the same heroin + xanax hole), getting in trouble with police/doing "stupid" things and ending up in hospitals where they have had to come and collect me from stations at like 3am. I have been seeing therapists, psychiatrist for a while for struggles like ed, anxiety, depression, schizophrenia and I am on medication though I do not find anything much help. Already had no energy but meds make it 10x worse, I do not want to do anything. No changes in mood ever, I have never thought that life could be worth living for myself. I have always felt like this isn't the place for me. There is not much that brings me joy. Anyone close to me, I push away. Not because I feel they could hurt me and I am scared of that, but I just cannot seem to connect with anyone. Occasional conversations with people are something I don't mind, but close relationships? I can't do them. I feel more connected to the characters I made up in my head or from shows (one of the things I can still enjoy, thankfully), I love escaping this reality with imagination. It's comforting. I've never been happy with myself. I've never even wanted to get better, I don't think there is any. Death to me is the true escape from suffering. Thinking of being free is so nice for me. I can imagine my final moments. Being able to let this life go it is truly all I want.

Some people say that you should wait until you are 25 to ctb, or older. That's still a few years away for me, it is not something I am willing to wait for. I don't see myself changing or wanting to live in this hellish world. I have a plan that I know will work and it's definite for me that I will go through with it in the next year or two.

 

[alurem]

if you think it's the best course of action, i wouldn't call it irrational.

 

[AllFoxedOut]

I don't know about the answer to your question, but it is clear to me why someone who has faced such suffering would want to CTB.

I read your whole post... related to parts of it and even teared up over some of the things you described.

 

[sorrowful]

I don't know about the answer to your question, but it is clear to me why someone who has faced such suffering would want to CTB.

I read your whole post... related to parts of it and even teared up over some of the things you described.

Thank you for your comment.

I'm sorry you have also been made to deal with such difficulties. I am sending best wishes to you.

 

[AllFoxedOut]

Thank you for your comment.

I'm sorry you have also been made to deal with such difficulties. I am sending best wishes to you.

And mine to you!!

 

[MrDarkness]

I'm so sorry, you had been given these cards when you were born, it sounds so awful I can't blame you for wanting to ctb, makes me feel lucky that I didn't deal with that, I hope life becomes better for you

I hope you can find peace in life or death

 

[sorrowful]

I'm so sorry, you had been given these cards when you were born, it sounds so awful I can't blame you for wanting to ctb, makes me feel lucky that I didn't deal with that, I hope life becomes better for you

I hope you can find peace in life or death

Thank you so much, and I hope the same for you.

 

[theslasher]

Damn, sorry for all that you've gone through. I think it's quite easy to sit here and call it rational to just ctb. I read the entire thing and it looks like you've gone through a lot more than many of us, it's almost cruel to ask you to keep going. And when I joined this forum I didn't expect to say that to anyone honestly.

And when I say this, I'm not trying to invalidate your struggles because those struggles are very real and should not be taken lightly, but just thinking purely logically.. there's still more options than to ctb. It'll take time, but it's definitely possible to get out of that situation without quitting the game entirely. I'm a guy, about your same age, and I haven't gone through your same struggles, but I've gone through a lot of pain too that is hard to explain. But for you, to summarize it, it seems you've got 2 main problems which are basically financial concerns and emotional trauma. Both are not easy problems, but still solvable.

I know you said you probably can't afford college, so fuck college. I tried out college twice and both times I came to the conclusion that I hated it. In between that I even moved out of my parents house to live in Atlanta, where I tried all types of jobs and businesses. Clearly it took me a while to find out what it was I enjoyed. Turns out, I'm actually much better at learning by teaching myself as opposed to the rigid system of a public school. So I've started teaching myself and am now in a program that leads to a coding internship and eventually a job. If it wasn't that path or entrepreneurship, I'd definitely do trade school. Which is a good option bc working with my hands is a lot of fun and it's rly cheap to go to compared to college. So you can either do something like that, or find someone who will take care of you. And believe it or not I actually would prefer someone who hasn't had the perfect life.. sure I can flirt with anyone and that's cool, but it's hard to truly relate to these basic ass bitches who've never gone through anything at all. So if I feel that way then I'm sure other guys out there might feel the same way too (as crazy as that sounds lol). So there are two possible solutions to that right there.

Now for the emotional trauma. I know this might sound overly optimistic, but I do believe it's possible to overcome it. Obviously that's not something you heal from in one day. It'll take time. But what helped me was changing my scenery by traveling and getting out of the small bubble of a town that I lived in. That naturally made me distance myself from certain people and made more room for others. Even though I'm more introverted than extroverted, even I'll admit that meeting new people has been good for me mentally and for the development of my character. Also just the beauty of the fresh scenery itself was nice.

Many things are possible when given a little time.

Despite your past, I still think it's completely logical for you to be able to have a better life, even if it doesn't come easy. But at the end of the day, your life is in your hands.

Message me if you ever want to talk :-)

 

[sorrowful]

Damn, sorry for all that you've gone through. I think it's quite easy to sit here and call it rational to just ctb. I read the entire thing and it looks like you've gone through a lot more than many of us, it's almost cruel to ask you to keep going. And when I joined this forum I didn't expect to say that to anyone honestly.

And when I say this, I'm not trying to invalidate your struggles because those struggles are very real and should not be taken lightly, but just thinking purely logically.. there's still more options than to ctb. It'll take time, but it's definitely possible to get out of that situation without quitting the game entirely. I'm a guy, about your same age, and I haven't gone through your same struggles, but I've gone through a lot of pain too that is hard to explain. But for you, to summarize it, it seems you've got 2 main problems which are basically financial concerns and emotional trauma. Both are not easy problems, but still solvable.

I know you said you probably can't afford college, so fuck college. I tried out college twice and both times I came to the conclusion that I hated it. In between that I even moved out of my parents house to live in Atlanta, where I tried all types of jobs and businesses. Clearly it took me a while to find out what it was I enjoyed. Turns out, I'm actually much better at learning by teaching myself as opposed to the rigid system of a public school. So I've started teaching myself and am now in a program that leads to a coding internship and eventually a job. If it wasn't that path or entrepreneurship, I'd definitely do trade school. Which is a good option bc working with my hands is a lot of fun and it's rly cheap to go to compared to college. So you can either do something like that, or find someone who will take care of you. And believe it or not I actually would prefer someone who hasn't had the perfect life.. sure I can flirt with anyone and that's cool, but it's hard to truly relate to these basic ass bitches who've never gone through anything at all. So if I feel that way then I'm sure other guys out there might feel the same way too (as crazy as that sounds lol). So there are two possible solutions to that right there.

Now for the emotional trauma. I know this might sound overly optimistic, but I do believe it's possible to overcome it. Obviously that's not something you heal from in one day. It'll take time. But what helped me was changing my scenery by traveling and getting out of the small bubble of a town that I lived in. That naturally made me distance myself from certain people and made more room for others. Even though I'm more introverted than extroverted, even I'll admit that meeting new people has been good for me mentally and for the development of my character. Also just the beauty of the fresh scenery itself was nice.

Many things are possible when given a little time.

Despite your past, I still think it's completely logical for you to be able to have a better life, even if it doesn't come easy. But at the end of the day, your life is in your hands.

Message me if you ever want to talk :-)

Thank you for your comment. This means a lot to me.

There are things I would like to do to at least improve my situation currently, and do something with my time. So, I'll definitely look into what you have suggested.

Travelling is something I'd like to do. I live in the city and have only been to the countryside a few times, but I always admire the natural beauty. I hope to see more places with such beauty. :]

 

[FuneralCry]

I think the true irrational thing instead would be actually wishing to exist in this hellish reality where there is unlimited potential to suffer, existence is so harmful after all and I think that wanting suicide is a perfectly logical response, as we are all just waiting around for death anyway so I would always prefer to take control over when I leave. And it would be absurd to call suicide "irrational" under any circumstances, it's just a lie spread by pro-lifers to try and force people to continue suffering all for the sake of it.

Not wanting to suffer anymore could never be irrational as the reality is that there are no disadvantages to not existing, I certainly see permanent non-existence as being so incredibly ideal and no matter what it will always be a personal decision when to leave, every human has the right to die. But anyway it sounds so awful what you've had to endure, I certainly despise this dreadful world where there is all this endless suffering.

 

[sorrowful]

I think the true irrational thing instead would be actually wishing to exist in this hellish reality where there is unlimited potential to suffer, existence is so harmful after all and I think that wanting suicide is a perfectly logical response, as we are all just waiting around for death anyway so I would always prefer to take control over when I leave. And it would be absurd to call suicide "irrational" under any circumstances, it's just a lie spread by pro-lifers to try and force people to continue suffering all for the sake of it.

Not wanting to suffer anymore could never be irrational as the reality is that there are no disadvantages to not existing, I certainly see permanent non-existence as being so incredibly ideal and no matter what it will always be a personal decision when to leave, every human has the right to die. But anyway it sounds so awful what you've had to endure, I certainly despise this dreadful world where there is all this endless suffering.

Thank you, FuneralCry. I always tend to agree with what you have to say. It really is cruel we are trapped here within a pro-life society, and they try force their views down our throats. We never asked for this, the right to die should be a human right. I wish medically assisted suicide was more accepted, to just know that I have that option whenever would be so helpful, and it would be the most peaceful way to go. Not allowing a supervised, medical ctb only leads to people attempting dangerous methods and putting others at risk (jumping in front of a train, suicide by cop). But unfortunately I feel as if it won't change any time soon. They refuse to see it from any other point of view rather than their own.

I hope eventually you can find peace.

 

[AllFoxedOut]

Thank you, FuneralCry. I always tend to agree with what you have to say. It really is cruel we are trapped here within a pro-life society, and they try force their views down our throats. We never asked for this, the right to die should be a human right. I wish medically assisted suicide was more accepted, to just know that I have that option whenever would be so helpful, and it would be the most peaceful way to go. Not allowing a supervised, medical ctb only leads to people attempting dangerous methods and putting others at risk (jumping in front of a train, suicide by cop). But unfortunately I feel as if it won't change any time soon. They refuse to see it from any other point of view rather than their own.

I hope eventually you can find peace.

I know that feeling of relief just knowing you have the option. I bought SN (turned out to be too low purity of nitrite), but before I knew that it was like a calming blanket wrapped around me. I finally had control.

Now I think I'll have to resort to a violent method, like the train... I'm so sorry for all you have had to endure @doll.

I hope you get to travel and enjoy the beauty of the countryside you mentioned!

 

[SexyIncél]

You're clearly rational. Because you offer reasons & calculations for your thoughts, and they follow from each other. Also, your metacognition's on point

Society ISN'T rational, as it (we) are forcing you to fight sooo hard... to be considered worthy of decent treatment. For a safe place to live, social approval, ability to travel and find people who know how to treat you better...

They may argue that it's too early to ctb because you don't know the possibilities. But of course, we reason with incomplete knowledge; they just don't like your calculations. Though they won't actually ACT to lighten your suffering, changing that calculation...

 

[The anhedonic one]

Hello. This will be a quite long, thank you to anyone who reads. I'll be talking a bit about me, my life, and what has led me here. I also would like to know if anyone thinks my decisions are irrational. I've been told it before, that I am not thinking properly because of my mental health issues. To me, I believe I am thinking clearly, though I guess I wouldn't be able to tell.

I do not remember much from my early childhood, but I was told a few stories later on. My mother was a heroin addict (would steal my belongings and sell them to get drugs drugs) and was young when she had me, my father quite older, sex offender etc. Not a very good beginning. I ended up in custody of my grandparents, and my mother would remain in and out of my life a lot. I'd see her, she'd disappear for 5 years and pop-up again with all sorts of "sorries" and repeat. I knew she couldn't look after me when I was very young, a lot of the time she'd be passed out but I don't get why she still does it now. I feel very unwanted by her, then again I understand how much she has struggled too. I always thought it never bothered me much, I didn't think of her too often from what I recall. That was just how it was and I accepted it. I still don't feel much towards the whole thing, but as I've grown I realized it had to of impacted me in some way. Recently, I found out my father died of an overdose, it's strange. He is awful, and I hate him. But, there are things I wish I could of asked him. Adding onto my family, my grandmother was diagnosed with cancer a few months ago. She is the person who raised me so, it has been hard. I am sticking around for her. My family does not have much money, our house is filthy, mold which we get sick from often. I have tried to help with cleaning but it is almost impossible. My grandfather is a bit of a hoarder, and has breathing difficulties so cleaning is hard for him. We have barely had people in the house because of this. Whenever my doctor comes around, I feel so ashamed. I do not blame my grandparents. They have done what they could and they looked after me, I just wish things did not get this bad. Though I know I can't leave my grandmother like this.

I know that I had difficulties as a child. I felt empty, or upset a lot. I was indifferent to the other people at school. I had strange thoughts and acted in strange ways, I started self-harming at 8 and saw the school counsellor occasionally (horrible experience, fuck you ms devas). I never was also never able to talk to people because I had, and still have, something called "selective mutism", I almost switch off in any kind of talking situation. 1 on 1, groups, hell even phone calls/voice messages so that has made it hard to make any type of friendships. I didn't really care if I was alone, but it did feel humiliating to always be alone.

Slightly more triggering. I have a history of sexual trauma, being 12 when I was first raped, and then forced into sexual acts with multiple people in exchange for money/drugs. I guess it was forced prostitution. I stopped caring when it would happen. I'd just try find something to focus on, like an imperfection in the wall. I'd stare at that imperfection until it was over and then move on with my day. I never cried. If I ever was assaulted on the street it hardly meant anything to me. I simply couldn't care. I'd already been through worse and it was nothing new to me. My teenage years were rough, I really discovered how cruel people were.

Due to mental struggles, I dropped out of school at 15. I never had any interest in the "help" I was offered to get back into education. I still have time now as I could go to university, I just don't want to because I believe I will CTB soon. This also includes not getting a job/being able to, so financially I would be in trouble if I were to go on another few years. I also believe I am a burden to my family right now, as I'm not a child anymore, I should have my own job and be doing things on my own. They have bigger things to worry about than having to still care for me, they say I shouldn't worry but I can tell when they say it that they don't mean it. I do cause them a number of issues, with my own drug use (fell into the same heroin + xanax hole), getting in trouble with police/doing "stupid" things and ending up in hospitals where they have had to come and collect me from stations at like 3am. I have been seeing therapists, psychiatrist for a while for struggles like ed, anxiety, depression, schizophrenia and I am on medication though I do not find anything much help. Already had no energy but meds make it 10x worse, I do not want to do anything. No changes in mood ever, I have never thought that life could be worth living for myself. I have always felt like this isn't the place for me. There is not much that brings me joy. Anyone close to me, I push away. Not because I feel they could hurt me and I am scared of that, but I just cannot seem to connect with anyone. Occasional conversations with people are something I don't mind, but close relationships? I can't do them. I feel more connected to the characters I made up in my head or from shows (one of the things I can still enjoy, thankfully), I love escaping this reality with imagination. It's comforting. I've never been happy with myself. I've never even wanted to get better, I don't think there is any. Death to me is the true escape from suffering. Thinking of being free is so nice for me. I can imagine my final moments. Being able to let this life go it is truly all I want.

Some people say that you should wait until you are 25 to ctb, or older. That's still a few years away for me, it is not something I am willing to wait for. I don't see myself changing or wanting to live in this hellish world. I have a plan that I know will work and it's definite for me that I will go through with it in the next year or tw

You have obviously suffered more than I can possibly imagine. I can relate to the feeling of pushing people away, and that feeling of disconnection. I blame my childhood for this: severe abuse from evil parents. Couple this PTSD from abuse with clinical depression and bipolar type 1 and you have a recipe for cognitive disaster.
I'm also at a similar stage as you as regards CTB, I don't want to get better either. In fact absolutely nothing or no-one in this sadistic torture chamber world could ever make me want to live.
I'm so sorry you have been through so much suffering.
I hope you soon find the peace and release that you truly deserve from all of your suffering.

 

[Daxter_87]

No, you are not irrational because you are "too young" to CTB. People who say this are gaslighters. There's no such thing as "too young" an age to CTB. You went through absolutely horrific hell and you deserve relief from it.

Best wishes.

 

[spøgelse]

people always say this "oh you re young you have so much to live fo'r" even in suicidal places but the truth is no one is too young for CTB aand no one is too young to be suicidal or suffer

 

[sorrowful]

I know that feeling of relief just knowing you have the option. I bought SN (turned out to be too low purity of nitrite), but before I knew that it was like a calming blanket wrapped around me. I finally had control.

Now I think I'll have to resort to a violent method, like the train... I'm so sorry for all you have had to endure @doll.

I hope you get to travel and enjoy the beauty of the countryside you mentioned!

I agre with you.

I feel like I have to rush to CTB because of all the restrictions being made on a lot of peaceful methods like SN and instead I have to take the risk of jumping (whilst that's still possible, who knows how they'll try prevent that too). If there was the choice I could CTB whenever within medical supervision, I'd be able choose it with no worry about failure, being stopped etc. Being able to close your eyes and listen to your favourite music whilst having that pill/injection and drifting away. The ultimate peace. There's also no risk of permanent injury.

Visiting the countryside and such is a must do for me!

 

[AllFoxedOut]

I agre with you,

I feel like I have to rush to CTB because of all the restrictions being made on a lot of peaceful methods like SN and instead I have to take the risk of jumping (whilst that's still possible, who knows how they'll try prevent that too). If there was the choice I could CTB whenever within medical supervision, I'd be able choose it with no worry about failure, being stopped etc. Being able to close your eyes and listen to your favourite music whilst having that pill/injection and drifting away. The ultimate peace. There's also no risk of permanent injury.

Visiting the countryside and such is a must do for me!

I know what you mean, the pressure on the peaceful methods being taken have led to me wasting money on sub par SN and even getting scammed cus I'm a little gullible (some guy on reddit pretending to sell N). just makes me want to rush things along.

I hope you get to go soon!! it can be really beautiful, and it's peaceful. away from the bustle of people, the busyness of a city... a nice escape

 

[sorrowful]

You're clearly rational. Because you offer reasons & calculations for your thoughts, and they follow from each other. Also, your metacognition's on point

Society ISN'T rational, as it (we) are forcing you to fight sooo hard... to be considered worthy of decent treatment. For a safe place to live, social approval, ability to travel and find people who know how to treat you better...

They may argue that it's too early to ctb because you don't know the possibilities. But of course, we reason with incomplete knowledge; they just don't like your calculations. Though they won't actually ACT to lighten your suffering, changing that calculation...

Thank you!

I can understand some of why people say it, there are things I haven't been able to experience, been able to fully grow etc. What can be annoying is when they treat myself and others like we are sort of crazy.

You have obviously suffered more than I can possibly imagine. I can relate to the feeling of pushing people away, and that feeling of disconnection. I blame my childhood for this: severe abuse from evil parents. Couple this PTSD from abuse with clinical depression and bipolar type 1 and you have a recipe for cognitive disaster.
I'm also at a similar stage as you as regards CTB, I don't want to get better either. In fact absolutely nothing or no-one in this sadistic torture chamber world could ever make me want to live.
I'm so sorry you have been through so much suffering.
I hope you soon find the peace and release that you truly deserve from all of your suffering.

Thank you, truly. The last words really meant something to me. It really can be comforting to have someone genuinely understand how it can be.

I hope also that you find peace and freedom from this place.

No, you are not irrational because you are "too young" to CTB. People who say this are gaslighters. There's no such thing as "too young" an age to CTB. You went through absolutely horrific hell and you deserve relief from it.

Best wishes.

I absolutely agree, it's impossible to reason with those types of people either. They are almost delusional.

And thank you. All I want is true relief to me all this world offers is suffering. Best wishes to you as well.

I know what you mean, the pressure on the peaceful methods being taken have led to me wasting money on sub par SN and even getting scammed cus I'm a little gullible (some guy on reddit pretending to sell N). just makes me want to rush things along.

I hope you get to go soon!! it can be really beautiful, and it's peaceful. away from the bustle of people, the busyness of a city... a nice escape

So sorry about the SN thing. It must of been devastating.

The countryside does look lovely! Much more peaceful and less crowded than a city, no noise constantly. Found something to look forward to.

 

[sorrowful]

people always say this "oh you re young you have so much to live fo'r" even in suicidal places but the truth is no one is too young for CTB aand no one is too young to be suicidal or suffer

This is what I believe.

Everyone can suffer, regardless of age. Especially when we are in a place such as this one, suffering is inevitable. Though still, there are those who completely disregard others pain.