Venting Ctb in a few hours...

[Notwinnernotawin]

I will finally free myself from this world and it's cruelty in a few hours. I'd like to thank everyone for the resources and for this website in general. It really helped me a lot when I thought there was no way out.
I'm going for partial suspension. I have everything settled and I've been testing and trying for a month now, since I found out about the method.
Even tho it really sucks to leave everything behind and everyone I love, there's no other way. I'm even a little happy today. I thought I'd get scared and/or super sad.
So that's it. If I don't come back in at least a week, it's because I'm gone for good. Good luck to everyone who's struggling. I hope you all find what comforts you the most, either it is in life or death.
Goodbye.

 

[watereyes]

I hope you find peace.. <3

 

[Notwinnernotawin]

I hope you find peace.. <3

Thank you. I hope too.

 

[Cancún]

peace man

 

[Notwinnernotawin]

peace man

Thanks

 

[Schweppes]

I'm jealous, hope you find peace

 

[Notwinnernotawin]

I'm jealous, hope you find peace

No need to be jealous. I'm almost chickening. I hope you find peace too. You're cute.

 

[MrsImbetween]

Please make sure that you don't have any doubts.

find peace

 

[Lost in a Dream]

I wish you didn't have to do this, but sadly, almost all of us will get to this point eventually. I hope you find the peace you are after. Good luck.

 

[Notwinnernotawin]

Please make sure that you don't have any doubts.

find peace

I guess I don't, it's mainly the survival instinct messing with my head. And the warmth of the comfort zone.
Than

I wish you didn't have to do this, but sadly, almost all of us will get to this point eventually. I hope you find the peace you are after. Good luck.

Thanks

 

[ATownSerenity]

I hope you find peace.

 

[Donk]

wish you a peaceful journey.

 

[I screwed up]

Hey mate sorry life has come to this .. But I guess we r all in more or less the same boat. .. But I envy ur courage n determination to go for partial ... I feel methods like hanging / partial / jumping / drowning need balls of steel ... So SI is natural its not chickening for sure... . honestly I wish had the bloody courage to do it .. Hence the envy

 

[kyle]

I'm truly sorry that your life came to this and you're making a very tough decision right now. I never got to know you but that doesn't matter anyways. Peace my friend, I hope you can spend your last minutes with someone you love or care about.

 

[Notwinnernotawin]

My plan is ruined. My mom was supposed to go grocery shopping, but she's still making lunch and the supermarket will close in less than an hour due to quarantine. It takes 45 minutes to get there. I'll have to wait until tomorrow.

 

[Bct]

Sorry to hear your plan is ruined. Hope you'll be in peace soon.

 

[Walilamdzi]

My plan is ruined. My mom was supposed to go grocery shopping, but she's still making lunch and the supermarket will close in less than an hour due to quarantine. It takes 45 minutes to get there. I'll have to wait until tomorrow.

I tried today but the fear got to me so I will have to try again tomorrow too, how are you preparing psychologically?

 

[Notwinnernotawin]

Sorry to hear your plan is ruined. Hope you'll be in peace soon.

Oh I will. There's no way I'm staying in this shit I call life. Thank you.

I tried today but the fear got to me so I will have to try again tomorrow too, how are you preparing psychologically?

I'm seeing it as a way out of my suffering. I'm doing the things I like, listening to my favorite songs and eating my favorite foods. I'm also spending a lot more time with my cat. I wrote an e-mail I'll send to my mom when I'm about to go, with my last wishes and my reasons, even tho they are very clear. Also telling her I didn't feel pain in the process, she'll probably stress over it. I'm sending her a few tips on how to deal with electronic devices, since she has a little trouble doing so, and stuff concerning our cat.
I can't lie, I'm anxious. Fearful, bc no one knows what comes next. But I know it's better than what my life is.
I suggest you to not imagine what you life would be like of you didn't ctb, that can give you hope and make you give up. Do whatever you want to do, so you won't have any regrets. Be sure it's time to go. Live your last days as if you're about to go on a trip, destined to an awesome unknown. This behaviour have helped me to not have breakdowns and to not talk to anyone, even tho I considered it before.
I wish you good luck, and hope you find peace.

 

[Notwinnernotawin]

I feel so stupid. All these days I've managed to find my sweet spot, now that I'm alone for a few hours and attempted again just to fail. But idk if it's because I'm nervous, I can't find it now. I almost passed out once but the knot was slippery so I had to stop. I feel like shit, I can't even kill myself.

 

[Alec]

I feel so stupid. All these days I've managed to find my sweet spot, now that I'm alone for a few hours and attempted again just to fail. But idk if it's because I'm nervous, I can't find it now. I almost passed out once but the knot was slippery so I had to stop. I feel like shit, I can't even kill myself.

I'm so sorry this isn't working the way you wanted it to! YOU ARE NOT SHIT!!! Sometimes we can't control certain things and it's not our fault!! Please don't blame yourself! You don't deserve this! Please please please be kind to yourself and give yourself a hug from me! I want to hug you so bad and tell you that it's alright, even though nothing is alright in our situation, it's alright. It's ok, it seems you've found some time alone to do this but maybe there will be other time you can do this? I know it means more waiting, but I just know you can go through this time, you are strong enough! Even if it is just my wishful thinking or a blind belief, call me crazy but I believe in you! In any case, if we can't control something what's the point of punishing ourselves for it? Please don't. You don't deserve to be cruel to yourself!

Love,
—Alec.

 

[Notwinnernotawin]

I'm so sorry this isn't working the way you wanted it to! YOU ARE NOT SHIT!!! Sometimes we can't control certain things and it's not our fault!! Please don't blame yourself! You don't deserve this! Please please please be kind to yourself and give yourself a hug from me! I want to hug you so bad and tell you that it's alright, even though nothing is alright in our situation, it's alright. It's ok, it seems you've found some time alone to do this but maybe there will be other time you can do this? I know it means more waiting, but I just know you can go through this time, you are strong enough! Even if it is just my wishful thinking or a blind belief, call me crazy but I believe in you! In any case, if we can't control something what's the point of punishing ourselves for it? Please don't. You don't deserve to be cruel to yourself!

Love,
—Alec.

Thank you for the kind words. I wish I could try again but I'm afraid I'll fail and get even more nervous. I don't want to be a shaking mess when my mom arrives home.

 

[serah]

It sucks to hear things haven't gone the way you wanted them to. I'd tell you to take some time to chill, and wait till you find that moment when you feel like you are ready to do it. It's not stupid to feel nervous or to back out of it, it's probably the most common feeling we all have when attempting to ctb.

 

[MissKatrina]

All the best. What are you gonna listen to and nom on?

 

[Notwinnernotawin]

It sucks to hear things haven't gone the way you wanted them to. I'd tell you to take some time to chill, and wait till you find that moment when you feel like you are ready to do it. It's not stupid to feel nervous or to back out of it, it's probably the most common feeling we all have when attempting to ctb.

Thank you. I'll take your advice.

 

[selfhater]

i'm sorry ur plan got ruined, i feel u when i had the only partial method and the only time that i could do it and didn't success and now i'm stuck feeling worse than ever

 

[Notwinnernotawin]

All the best. What are you gonna listen to and nom on?

Been listening to some of my old favorites. "Carry you home" by James Blunt and "Knocking on heaven's door" by Bob Dylan are my favorites.
As to food, I've eaten the stuff I usually crave but never eat (cause I'm short so if I eat a little but of junk food I suddenly gain a lot of weight), like chocolate cake and burguer.

i'm sorry ur plan got ruined, i feel u when i had the only partial method and the only time that i could do it and didn't success and now i'm stuck feeling worse than ever

Hope things get better for you.

 

[Walilamdzi]

It's hard to experience emotions like this, I hope you feel better.

 

[Notwinnernotawin]

It's hard to experience emotions like this, I hope you feel better.

Thank you.

 

[MissKatrina]

Been listening to some of my old favorites. "Carry you home" by James Blunt and "Knocking on heaven's door" by Bob Dylan are my favorites.
As to food, I've eaten the stuff I usually crave but never eat (cause I'm short so if I eat a little but of junk food I suddenly gain a lot of weight), like chocolate cake and burguer.

Hope things get better for you.

Great music choice and awesome food choice! All stuff that I love. Keep yourself calm and relaxed. Opportunities will come and go. Need to be rational, keep a plan at hand and ready as soon as the chance strikes. :) Stay strong with whatever you decide.

 

[Notwinnernotawin]

Great music choice and awesome food choice! All stuff that I love. Keep yourself calm and relaxed. Opportunities will come and go. Need to be rational, keep a plan at hand and ready as soon as the chance strikes. :) Stay strong with whatever you decide.

Yes. I'm a lot more calm now. But my mom asked if something happened while she was away. I can't hide emotions from my face. But thanks for the words. You and everyone. I'm looking up, maybe I can buy some SN. I already have everything for this method, except the main ingredient. Thanks guys.