CTB Hopefully Next Week

[Chockles]

My rime has come. I simply cannot go on. I've ordered N so ill be hopefully leaving you all next week sometime.

My physical pain is unimaginable torture on every level now. 18 months with severe mold toxicity possibly up to 8 years with it hidden behind walls.

I can't sleep, eat much, no bowel movements, my ears are blocked off, nerves in jaw, face & neck jerking around. Electric vibrations throughout body & now 24/7 severe burning & shivery at same time. Been completelu bed ridden 10 months. Feels like MND, MS, MACS, EDS & mental health issues all together.

But I couldn't do anything as didn't know about SS until couple months ago. If failed partial hanging, paracetamol od, & too sick to get anywhere to jump or drown despite living 5 mins walk from sea. When i 1st got dumped at my elderly parents 5 months ago as my ex partner couldn't cope with me id still managed to run away a couple times but police found me brought me home. Now my parents know how bad my suffering has become they too accept I need to commit suicide. It is so difficult as I'm crying in agony all the time. If i dont do this they have said they can't cope anymore & will have to find me a care home. But medication doesn't touch me now. No one would take me apart from maybe a psyche ward. I know I have to succeed in ctb withim days of N arriving. Yet i am still struggling coming to terms with my fate.

it'll have to be under their roof only giving me a maximum of 12hrs. I have swallowing issues but know I'll have to find a way. I should have died naturally by now I smell of death yet for reasons unknown it hasn't reached part of the brain responsible for heart failure.

I am still full of regrets & guilt & have no specific beliefs but know now nothing can be as bad as this torturous hardly existing hell. Yet 2 years ago I was looking at a brighter future moving in with my partner buying a dog, dealing with my mental health & reducing my physical then dis up flat discovered toxic mold & it's all gone downhill since then.
I have to be strong & do this as there are no options left. I just wish I could do it sooner but left things far too long to obtain.

 

[BeautifulMosaics]

God bless you Chockles. I wish I could give you a hug.

You have had it so hard in life and you don't deserve to suffer anymore

 

[Chockles]

God bless you Chockles. I wish I could give you a hug.

You have had it so hard in life and you don't deserve to suffer anymore

Thank you your comment on another post makes me hope for spiritualism. & love & peace. Assuming N arrives ok I plan going to lidten to cali reggae beach music Tribal Seeds before hopefully going to sleep on N and picturing walking my dog along the beach & hope she meets me on the other side. I also told mum i was looking forward to nanas cakes again & I'll look down on her & dad having some fun agsin but would see her again when her natural time comes. My dad is atheist so if it's nothingness then that's ok too. Eternal sleep sounds scary to a severe insomniac with needs to be on the go learning tnew hings but anything is better than this. X

 

[FuneralCry]

Life is so cruel and unfair. I'm sorry things are this hopeless. I hope you find peace and freedom from suffering.

 

[Chockles]

Life is so cruel and unfair. I'm sorry things are this hopeless. I hope you find peace and freedom from suffering.

Thank you I hope you find peace when things get desperate. I've always appreciated your support to everyone in SS

 

[irememberinnocence]

Listen I'm pretty much in the same boat as you with regards to my conditions. Same cluster of diseases but affects me in different ways. Not as severe as you but have been suffering over a decade now and more and more parts of my body are giving up.

I feel a lot more at peace about the breakdown of my body than you do perhaps because it did not come so suddenly for me. I've been heading this way a long time with the slow but sure progression of my diseases. I'm not surprised it's come to such a crossroads for me.

I am choosing not to continue on but I know I have a choice. I could continue to exist in agony. For me it's not a desirable choice but it's still a choice. The same as you. You could continue to exist in agony and some people do. I am saying this because I know you are saying that you HAVE to die but the truth is you have that choice.

In my eyes neither decision is either right nor wrong. The decision to continue in unfathomable suffering, or the decision to die. Many people make that choice to stay. And some people make the choice to die. I will be dying.

I don't HAVE to die by my own hand. I could continue to exist but I'm not willing to continue while suffering so much. So please do not feel pressured by your parents. The choice is yours and yours alone.

I empathise with whatever choice you make and I respect it. After all, my situation is not too different from yours either. I will never encourage a suicide but I believe in your right to live or die as you choose.

 

[Chockles]

Listen I'm pretty much in the same boat as you with regards to my conditions. Same cluster of diseases but affects me in different ways. Not as severe as you but have been suffering over a decade now and more and more parts of my body are giving up.

I feel a lot more at peace about the breakdown of my body than you do perhaps because it did not come so suddenly for me. I've been heading this way a long time with the slow but sure progression of my diseases. I'm not surprised it's come to such a crossroads for me.

I am choosing not to continue on but I know I have a choice. I could continue to exist in agony. For me it's not a desirable choice but it's still a choice. The same as you. You could continue to exist in agony and some people do. I am saying this because I know you are saying that you HAVE to die but the truth is you have that choice.

In my eyes neither decision is either right nor wrong. The decision to continue in unfathomable suffering, or the decision to die. Many people make that choice to stay. And some people make the choice to die. I will be dying.

I don't HAVE to die by my own hand. I could continue to exist but I'm not willing to continue while suffering so much. So please do not feel pressured by your parents. The choice is yours and yours alone.

I empathise with whatever choice you make and I respect it. After all, my situation is not too different from yours either. I will never encourage a suicide but I believe in your right to live or die as you choose.

I don't feel pressurised by parents. I don't want to live in agony & I actually appreciate their support to now finally accept me dying is the best thing that can happen for me. I just don't feel I've yet had a chance to make up for lost time with our difficult relationship over the years but they say I have just by being here & having courage to admit a few home truths on why I stayed away even if it was painful for them. If I don't do this I will be in s psyche ward. I want to leave this planet knowing we've made up a little even if in bad circumstances & not get to stage I'm shooting & screaming at them all the time agsin like i did when I 1st arrived as they didn't understand the severity of my situation. They get no support mum need a to help me to the toilet, dad feeds me, mum does laundry etc they are 80 could die soon themselves I'm not fit enough to bury them. Then burying me is really the only option. I don't know why I'm so scared I guess just incase it doesn't work as I'm allergic to most meds histamine intolerant. Failure & loving worries me more than death itself. I guess once N arrives I'll feel less anxious it's through customs & I can plan my exit day out of here. I hate uncertainty I am cowardly but I know I simply cannot go on. I'd just have preferred to be in my own place but sadly that is no longer an option. I'm actually not scsred of dying as feel like I'm dying every waking hour Yet im still here. I'm scsred of the process. I was never good at doing things to a schedule planned out. Always been the impulsive type but protocols need followed on the day to follow through with this method. Thank you for you kind words. I know tho that it's my time I literally have no life. I just panic hearing about failures & then what do i do. This is my only hope. A peaceful death off as peaceful as you get with suicide.

Listen I'm pretty much in the same boat as you with regards to my conditions. Same cluster of diseases but affects me in different ways. Not as severe as you but have been suffering over a decade now and more and more parts of my body are giving up.

I feel a lot more at peace about the breakdown of my body than you do perhaps because it did not come so suddenly for me. I've been heading this way a long time with the slow but sure progression of my diseases. I'm not surprised it's come to such a crossroads for me.

I am choosing not to continue on but I know I have a choice. I could continue to exist in agony. For me it's not a desirable choice but it's still a choice. The same as you. You could continue to exist in agony and some people do. I am saying this because I know you are saying that you HAVE to die but the truth is you have that choice.

In my eyes neither decision is either right nor wrong. The decision to continue in unfathomable suffering, or the decision to die. Many people make that choice to stay. And some people make the choice to die. I will be dying.

I don't HAVE to die by my own hand. I could continue to exist but I'm not willing to continue while suffering so much. So please do not feel pressured by your parents. The choice is yours and yours alone.

I empathise with whatever choice you make and I respect it. After all, my situation is not too different from yours either. I will never encourage a suicide but I believe in your right to live or die as you choose.

It wasn't sudden either but the extreme jae/ears/ MND choking on phlegm stuff was new in last 2 years. I could handle limb pain & digestive issues I still had good days. Not any more. Pain is relentless sleep almost impossible.

 

[Kennish]

My rime has come. I simply cannot go on. I've ordered N so ill be hopefully leaving you all next week sometime.

My physical pain is unimaginable torture on every level now. 18 months with severe mold toxicity possibly up to 8 years with it hidden behind walls.

I can't sleep, eat much, no bowel movements, my ears are blocked off, nerves in jaw, face & neck jerking around. Electric vibrations throughout body & now 24/7 severe burning & shivery at same time. Been completelu bed ridden 10 months. Feels like MND, MS, MACS, EDS & mental health issues all together.

But I couldn't do anything as didn't know about SS until couple months ago. If failed partial hanging, paracetamol od, & too sick to get anywhere to jump or drown despite living 5 mins walk from sea. When i 1st got dumped at my elderly parents 5 months ago as my ex partner couldn't cope with me id still managed to run away a couple times but police found me brought me home. Now my parents know how bad my suffering has become they too accept I need to commit suicide. It is so difficult as I'm crying in agony all the time. If i dont do this they have said they can't cope anymore & will have to find me a care home. But medication doesn't touch me now. No one would take me apart from maybe a psyche ward. I know I have to succeed in ctb withim days of N arriving. Yet i am still struggling coming to terms with my fate.

it'll have to be under their roof only giving me a maximum of 12hrs. I have swallowing issues but know I'll have to find a way. I should have died naturally by now I smell of death yet for reasons unknown it hasn't reached part of the brain responsible for heart failure.

I am still full of regrets & guilt & have no specific beliefs but know now nothing can be as bad as this torturous hardly existing hell. Yet 2 years ago I was looking at a brighter future moving in with my partner buying a dog, dealing with my mental health & reducing my physical then dis up flat discovered toxic mold & it's all gone downhill since then.
I have to be strong & do this as there are no options left. I just wish I could do it sooner but left things far too long to obtain.

I truly hope you find the peace you're looking for. It's nice talking to you and sparring about CTB. I wish you peace and love

 

[Chockles]

I truly hope you find the peace you're looking for. It's nice talking to you and sparring about CTB. I wish you peace and love

Thank you you be been a great support to me.
I hope you find the peace you are looking for too x