Venting CTB final resort

[d3ad]

I just want everyone to know that I tried every single thing. I went for therapy and to 7 different psychologists. I struggled to get treatment, even though I have a diagnosis. I have faced ill-treatment at the hands of other healthcare workers too, and that made me reluctant to try again. I self-medicated twice, and felt better but I could not anymore. I have been through trauma after trauma, it does not stop. Nobody else but me knows my pain and my story. I will not retell it, words are not enough to describe my pain. CTB is a final resort. I have evidence that I have seeked help over and over, and I did not receive it. Some people might try to twist or rewrite my story, but that is okay. I won't be here to defend myself, and I won't be feeling anything because I will be gone. I opened my SN package to help get over the fear. All that is left is for me to do my mix and drink it, and all of this will be gone. I am also in pain physically, because I have been sick for weeks. I just want to put an end to this. This is not how I wanted my story to end; in my dreams I was going to be a very successful, beautiful and kind woman who made a change in this world. This is real life though, and it will not happen. I deserve better, I do not deserve to wake up with dread every morning. I do not deserve to feel pain every single second that I am awake. I love myself enough to remove myself from danger. Continuing to live in this situation would be an insult to myself.

 

[Namelesa]

Know you weren't obligated to try to get better as its your life and your suffering so you should be able to choose whatever you want to do with it. If you attempt to ctb now, know it is completely valid decision. Whatever happens I hope you can escape the pain of this world.

 

[imOK]

I understand too well. It's not fair to expect someone else to live with a debilitating lifelong illness without relief, just because it's not "visible" or deadly. The mental healthcare field is sadly rife with abuse, have made that experience also. You'd think people who choose that path ought to know better, but it is not how the world works. In a position such as ours, it can already be considered a victory to escape with your dignity intact. Good luck, whatever you will do.

 

[d3ad]

I will mix my drink now, and then drink it later.

 

[SVEN]

Whatever happens, I wish you nothing but peace, rest and relief.

 

[d3ad]

I am going to spend my last moments watching videos on YT and listening to music. I am just passing time until everyone goes to sleep. I cannot wait to put an end to my pain. Even time seems to be moving so slow.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds like you've suffered a lot, it's so cruel and dreadful to me how there's all this suffering in existing, I hope you find peace and freedom from suffering.

 

[OptingOutSmiling]

It's sad to see you go again, just as I was happy to see your big hair pop up after the last goodbye. But I understand it is time for you, and I wish you all the best on your journey. You deserve to be surrounded by nothing but love, and I hope you find this wherever the path of this world ends. Enjoy your videos and music, you are in my thoughts tonight. Sending hugs x

 

[d3ad]

For some reason, I feel so sad.

It's sad to see you go again, just as I was happy to see your big hair pop up after the last goodbye. But I understand it is time for you, and I wish you all the best on your journey. You deserve to be surrounded by nothing but love, and I hope you find this wherever the path of this world ends. Enjoy your videos and music, you are in my thoughts tonight. Sending hugs x

Thank you so much, darling! I highly appreciate it. <3

 

[OptingOutSmiling]

It's okay whichever way you decide, dear. There is no rush, take your time. I hope you can find your peace within first. Sending love

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry you have to through this.

I hope you find peace.

 

[SMmetalhead36]

I hate that you are feeling like this. I know your story all too well. Regardless of what you decide I hope you find peace. Best wishes to you.

 

[d3ad]

I just want everyone to know that I tried every single thing. I went for therapy and to 7 different psychologists. I struggled to get treatment, even though I have a diagnosis. I have faced ill-treatment at the hands of other healthcare workers too, and that made me reluctant to try again. I self-medicated twice, and felt better but I could not anymore. I have been through trauma after trauma, it does not stop. Nobody else but me knows my pain and my story. I will not retell it, words are not enough to describe my pain. CTB is a final resort. I have evidence that I have seeked help over and over, and I did not receive it. Some people might try to twist or rewrite my story, but that is okay. I won't be here to defend myself, and I won't be feeling anything because I will be gone. I opened my SN package to help get over the fear. All that is left is for me to do my mix and drink it, and all of this will be gone. I am also in pain physically, because I have been sick for weeks. I just want to put an end to this. This is not how I wanted my story to end; in my dreams I was going to be a very successful, beautiful and kind woman who made a change in this world. This is real life though, and it will not happen. I deserve better, I do not deserve to wake up with dread every morning. I do not deserve to feel pain every single second that I am awake. I love myself enough to remove myself from danger. Continuing to live in this situation would be an insult to myself.

I am waiting for one person to go to sleep. They are still awake, and I feel so sleepy.

 

[OptingOutSmiling]

I know you really just want it done, but also timing is important. If something gets in the way, or goes wrong, or we are rushed, it may just lead to more problems. You will know best, wishing you a peaceful sleep either way

 

[d3ad]

I know you really just want it done, but also timing is important. If something gets in the way, or goes wrong, or we are rushed, it may just lead to more problems. You will know best, wishing you a peaceful sleep either way

You are absolutely right. I have chronic nausea of some sorts, so I knew that drinking the SN without any Meto would have resulted in me vomiting it out. I will wait one more week to get Meto.

 

[OptingOutSmiling]

Have to say I'm happy to see your big hair popping back up again

 

[d3ad]

Have to say I'm happy to see your big hair popping back up again

Aww, thank you so much.

 

[elkheart]

I just want to put an end to this. This is not how I wanted my story to end; in my dreams I was going to be a very successful, beautiful and kind woman who made a change in this world. This is real life though, and it will not happen. I deserve better, I do not deserve to wake up with dread every morning. I do not deserve to feel pain every single second that I am awake. I love myself enough to remove myself from danger. Continuing to live in this situation would be an insult to myself.

Oooof. Felt that. Feel that. Me, too. It is a shame we did not get to become who we dreamed of being. I grieve for the person who had those ambitions and opportunities, being so certain it would lead to these dreams coming true. I used to genuinely believe the world needs more people like me but after going through so much more pain and trauma it's only made me bitter towards what I think the "world" deserves in general, and from my compassion. Anyways, I'm waiting to take my N too, and I wish you a peaceful night regardless of whether or not tomorrow comes for you.