Discussion CTB Feelings not what I expected

[GongLiFang]

Throughout my planning and finally preparations for my suicide I am not feeling at all how I expected to be.
On the one hand I am super excited, I am just ready to move on since I have been thinking and imagining this for so long. And if there is no afterlife I am excited to be done and if there is an afterlife I am curious to finally see what it is (hopefully not hell though, my childhood religious upbringing makes me kind of fear that irrationally but that is besides the point).

Then on the other hand I am kind of regretful, I know there could have been a version of me out there that lived up to all of my childhood expectations and I wonder what that would have been like. But I know I can't become that person from how things are now which is okay. But still, there were some pretty cool things I always considered doing that I will give a pass on now. Same goes for some shows, games, and movies I won't be able to experience. I still think that trade off is worth it but I can't help but wonder.

Anyways, what is everyone's thoughts? Does serious preparation and action on suicide plans make you feel like you expect or something different?

 

[UnravelingWinter]

I know this is the only choice for me.

In situations where there is no happy ending, we can only choose the lesser of two sufferings, and that choice just happens to be suicide for many people.

I feel at peace with my decision. I understand that "what ifs" are pointless since I was never the person who would have made those things happen anyways.

 

[symphony]

I can't speak to my own experience because I'm still very much in the planning stage and pretty far out from my CTB date. But I imagine having mixed feelings is a natural response. Even now, several months out from CTB, I'm stuck between desperately wanting to do it and wishing I didn't have to. Sometimes I think of it like this: sometimes we have to pick between two bad options, right? Ideally I don't want to kill myself, but I don't want to go on living and suffering either. So I pick suicide. Is it wrong to regret that I've resorted to an option I myself see as less than ideal?

Damn, @UnravelingWinter just beat me to the punch with a very similar point, lol

 

[FuneralCry]

I think if I had a peaceful and reliable way to leave this world, I would be comforted by the fact that everything is coming to an end. I believe that there is nothing after this life, death is true peace and freedom from all suffering. Nothing could ever make me want to live and there is nothing here for me in this world. Death is all that I want. I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do.