ctb diary

[nails]

i've been constantly posting about waiting to ctb. i'm starting to feel like it's a waste (also, very annoying) to make a bunch of new threads about it; so i'll just keep all my yapping regarding this topic in a single thread.
anyways...

i wish i had a set date that i could look forward to. i don't really have a general timeframe, either. i'm aiming for sometime before my birthday (late April), but even that's starting to seem too optimistic. i don't want to set a date until i have everything i need. plus, there are a few tasks that i need to complete. i thought i would be at least halfway there, but everything is going wrong.
sometimes i think about scrapping everything and just jumping in front of a train. i'm just so exhausted and i'm getting worse by the day. i just want it to be over.

it's so unfair that i've been driven to this point but still have to go through so much more just to end it.

 

[Worndown]

If you have the materials needed, you will know when that time is here.
Not all spontaneous suicides are spontaneous. If you have the supplies available, it is just grab and go when needed.

 

[nails]

i wish i could stop thinking. i still get those random bursts of energy where i consider calling off my ctb plans. it doesn't last long; just a few moments later, i remember that i just can't live. i hate this, no amount of help or positive changes could make living bearable for me. i can't wait to die, it's all i can think about from the moment i wake up. i really wish i could live and be happy and normal, this isn't fair. i'm so lightheaded, i wish i could speed things up and get what i need so i can finally die. i have no drive to do anything anymore, i just want to die.

 

[nails]

there's nothing to do. everything is so boring. if it's not boring, it just annoys me or makes me feel more depressed. there's no point in starting anything, i just feel worse when i remember that it won't go anywhere. i just want to feel something different

 

[nails]

everybody sucks, i can't wait to die so ill never have to deal with anyone ever again. i wish i could be an introverted loser so i could avoid human interaction and successfully drop all of my friends without feeling so empty. i hate everyone, people are so useless, no one even fucking tries. i'm so happy i won't have to deal with this much longer.

nothing is appealing, dying is all i look forward to now; everyone and everything in my life just makes death even more exciting, i'm tired of dealing with this. i can't wait for this to finally be over.