CTB based on another's comfort, but something changes

[Carina]

So originally it was Dec 31/Jan 1... then it was postponed so life insurance would payout even for suicide... in the meantime I was going to try and save money so my mom had it.
Simple right? I thought so.

I just got an email that some things just changed with some bills (special payment ending, so I'm paying $1000 more a month) I don't know if I can get it altered in a lower at start, and increase over time (has special requirements apparently, but even if I can, it might not be enough saved either). But as is, I won't be able to help my mom, in fact, she'd get more help if I were dead. Her boyfriend would probably move in, they'd probably get married. She'd actually be happy.

Don't get me wrong, I have no problem with changing the date, none, zero, would do it this second if I had the things here to do it (don't have one thing I need, or even know how to get it--the other's not here yet I guess message if you want to know lol). OK, not on Christmas, but you all probably get the idea. I mean I am so comfortable and with terms with it, that I know I am intentionally looking for a reason to do it before the insurance payout date, basically doing something I want over everyone else because I did not want to be here that long.

I honestly don't know what to do. I was only waiting for her. I wanted her to be comfortable, but this could make a hardship...


Why did they have to send it today.... seriously, that's a real scummy thing to do.


And I know it's totally up to me for what I do. That's decided--as far at what will happen with me. I'm just trying to see if there might be an alternative I might be missing that could buy me time until the insurance pays out date. I know I'm viewing this through the lenses of wanting a reason to up the date.

The only thing that will really change is, whether my mom could get my life insurance or not.

 

[Carina]

In case anyone wonders... my subconscious and I have reached an accord on this... and it's something we can 'live' with lol.

Short version: I'm letting subconscious keep on making plans, notes, and making sure everything can be enacted within a 96 hour window. Consciously I'll keep on assuming it'll be Nov/Dec. and I'll try to force everything to hit that time. If not, then fine. I tried.

 

[Jean4]

I am here because I made a promise to someone who recently CTB that I wouldn't follow him. Despite my promise and my promise to many, it is becoming increasingly difficult and I am in a reflection and re evaluation process.

 

[Carina]

I am here because I made a promise to someone who recently CTB that I wouldn't follow him. Despite my promise and my promise to many, it is becoming increasingly difficult and I am in a reflection and re evaluation process.

I can definitely see how that can be hard on you. It's horrible to have internal conflict on things, even more so when what you want goes against what others want (or even promises). I hope your reflection/re-eval process goes well for you, in whatever you decide.

Holidays make these things even harder.

Even just finishing gift things with my mom just now, I was intentionally hiding behind the gifts so I didn't have to look at her, But did one thing that was very suspicious that she didn't notice: I made sure she took my picture. I HATE having my picture taken.