my life has been more bad than good. I figure that's true for everyone here. Right now, I'm on the edge of homelessness, but there is a small chance that I make it out of the complex myriad of situations that make me want to CTB soon. It's not a good chance by any means, but it's there, so I haven't lost all hope. I'm not actively planning to check out right now. But I am planning for my death anyways, just in case. I'm scared of ending up homeless and jobless, where my only remaining choices are a painful and cheap CTB, or a slow and painful life. I'm trying to plan my CTB and get all of the materials now, while I have the means, so that I won't have to worry about failure moving forward. I want to make sure that each day I'm alive is a choice I make. I want to autonomy to be able to decide that I'm done when I'm done. I want to have my CTB kit prepared and safely stored for quick deployment. I'm finding the idea strangely motivating, because the chance of failure doesn't matter anymore. If I can get my kit out together, then I either succeed or I CTB on my own terms in a way I'm comfortable with. As far as method, I've been thinking recrystallization of SN from curing salts, or synthesis of N. Both are ambitious, but I'm good with chemistry and I think I can pull it off. Barring that, inert gas, though a kit for that would be much harder to discreetly store after I prepped it. Does anyone else treat their CTB plan similarly ?
Sometimes it's easier to deal with life when you know you can leave if it gets too much.
On a personal note, you say you're good with chemistry, I would be interested in talking to you about chemistry.
On a personal note, you say you're good with chemistry, I would be interested in talking to you about chemistry.
locked*n*loaded
Archangel
- Apr 15, 2022
- 7,258
Sounds like a completely rational, well thought out plan to me. I'm not really "pre-planning" , as it were, at least as it relates to continuing to live and see if things do get any better, as I'm set on an exit just as soon as I get a few things taken care of in life, which is where my focus is now. I already have everything I need for whenever that time comes.
Madao
Certified MADAO (She/her)
- Mar 30, 2023
- 35
This is super valid. It's definitely how I'm gonna go about CTBing and life as well. Similar predicament as you, I have a chance of making it out of this hell really happy, but on the chance I don't, I want to be able to have a quick and easy way out. I admire and respect your attitude towards life. The line "each day I'm alive is a choice I make" resonates heavily with me. I wish you wellness, hopefully you make it out in life against all odds :)
