Help CTB always on my mind

[deadmalk]

How do you all deal with wanting to CTB all the time? I lost my youngest son to suicide, he was 12, close to 10 months ago, and I have wanted to CTB every day since. My oldest son took my weapons and I had taken my dad's pistol and came close twice, but really believe there was divine intervention that it did not happen. My wife wouldn't let me go fishing alone and would tell me not to take the gun (I have been open with my family about this because I don't want them to have any questions about why and also so I can spend quality time with them before I go) but I am always trying to figure out a way where:

my wife or parents won't be the one to find me
I could possibly donate my organs
Quick and somewhat painless

I have tied ropes around the closet pole and did a partial until I was almost going to pass out.Since I lost my son, I haven't worked, I have withdrawn from going out publicly or being around people, and I lose interest in everything quickly-everything about life now seems so meaningless.
How do you get through those days when you just want to CTB all day? Thinking of ways to do it.

 

[Pol]

How do you get through those days when you just want to CTB all day? Thinking of ways to do it.

i distract myself with 'life'.

 

[mesohappy]

Damn man,sorry to here about your boy.Thats a hard loss.

Whats helped me lately is getting out,staying active and being around people.I know its the opposite of what you want to do when your hurting,but you gotta keep going and distract yourself man.You say that you haven't worked maybe start dedicating yourself to job search and put all your focus on that.Dont let your life fall apart like I have,then you will increase the suicidal ideations.

Staying sober has helped me as of late as well.

 

[Anon2662]

Damn. I'm so sorry for the loss of your son, and at such a young age. Absolutely tragic! Can't imagine how you feel.
I also don't work, have withdrawn, lost interest in everything and constantly almost obsessively think about ways to ctb so I can't really give you any good advice.. but just wanted to let you know you're not alone :)
Maybe try and spend as much time as you can with your other child/children. I'm sure they need you right now and try to use them as your reason to keep going.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I'm so sorry about the loss of your son. Your response is perfectly understandable. It sounds like you and your family haven't gotten the support you need, and it can be difficult to find when you're the parent of a child who ctb'd. Have you checked into any kind of support groups for parents of ctb? Maybe a men's support group, or a pastor who provides counseling? I'm not a Christian, but it seems like a compassionate spiritual person should be able to provide some help and guidance for you and your family. This is one of the hardest things a family can go through, and it's also something that others judge and don't understand, so it can be very isolating.

If none of my suggestions are of any help, please know that I care. I would do something to be of better support if I knew you.

 

[Rosieroo17]

So sorry for the loss of your son . Very sad and I understand why you feel that way.
I feel this way everyday too and think about it all the time. I've not suffered your loss I have other reasons I feel that way. It actually makes me cry when I think about it as it really is a sad way to feel
I think you are suffering severe grief and grief can heal even if such sad circumstances. As the person above has suggested maybe trying to talk to someone and finding people who have lost someone this way .
When you do find your thoughts going this way try quickly change them.

 

[deadmalk]

Damn man,sorry to here about your boy.Thats a hard loss.

Whats helped me lately is getting out,staying active and being around people.I know its the opposite of what you want to do when your hurting,but you gotta keep going and distract yourself man.You say that you haven't worked maybe start dedicating yourself to job search and put all your focus on that.Dont let your life fall apart like I have,then you will increase the suicidal ideations.

Staying sober has helped me as of late as well.

It's just hard to look people in the eyes anymore, I feel like they can see my sadness and I don't want to bring anyone down. I do try to keep busy during the day, working out in the garage fixing outboard or working on my boat, but he was my partner and loved the water as much as I did. Each day just gets harder as I struggle through and I just don't feel I can or want to continue living like this. Before he passed, I was strong minded, had a good career and loved working with people, trying to help them succeed and move forward in their careers, but now, I just feel it's meaningless to focus on work. I mean, I never put my career before my family, I believe in a healthy work/home life balance and felt that if you treated people right, everything would fall into place, but I guess that's the bottom line, I can help others, I just can't help myself.

 

[Nem]

Sorry to hear about your situation!
all day everyday I think of death, it's constant and doesn't go away until im dead and either cremated or in the ground. It sucks but I have gotten used to it
Peace/hugs

 

[deadmalk]

So sorry for the loss of your son . Very sad and I understand why you feel that way.
I feel this way everyday too and think about it all the time. I've not suffered your loss I have other reasons I feel that way. It actually makes me cry when I think about it as it really is a sad way to feel
I think you are suffering severe grief and grief can heal even if such sad circumstances. As the person above has suggested maybe trying to talk to someone and finding people who have lost someone this way .
When you do find your thoughts going this way try quickly change them.

I do go to about four different support groups and my wife says that having been in sales and recruitment my whole career, I can hide my weakness very well. The thing is, when I am at these support groups, I feel and believe I can be okay, but as soon as we walk out that door, drive home and close the door to our home, I become a wreck and lose strength. Over this past holiday season, I refrained from going out publicly and since January he pretty much stopped attending our support groups. I feel like I am regressing. I know I'm depressed, I know what I need to do- but...I'm losing strength in continuing to live the rest of my days like this, struggling, trying to make sense of life, and our purpose. I loved life and Iiving it, sharing experiences with my family and all of that left when I lost my son. I feel like I tried to live with no regrets in doing what was right and it has left me with guilt and tons of regret now. I don't know- I'm confused, I'm lost and I feel emotionally weak.

 

[TeenIdle]

I'm sorry for your loss :( When you feel you can't take any more just try to think about your other son who is still here and loves you and misses his brother as much as you