Dainhla
"Lifetimes live to die"
- May 28, 2023
- 60
Hii,
I'm in my last year of baccalaureate and as I stupidly thought that it was a good idea to join the IB program, I made my parents spend a lot of money for studies that now I'm obligated to finish. I didn't know (or better I lied to myself that I didn't know) that I was unable to have a successful future, just only with my effort and perseverance.
The thing I planned to CTB after my graduation, or better the same day, because I didn't want to let anyone down before that. Then, during this summer I discovered what love feels, I met my bf and now he's the only one that knows abt my suicidality. He has told me that he also wanted to CTB, but his plans are more long term. He don't want to continue living after his 26, so basically he has about 8 years more to live his life at its maximum.
My plans changed, but I still feel very suicidal, I even planned CTBing to the end of september, but finally didn't do it because he tried to make me feel better. He don't want me to die without trying to live my life at its maximum, but I'm tired and the only thing I can think about its the enormous amount of money that my parents will have to spend in their useless daughter just to don't see her accomplish all of her supposedly "dreams". University is so much money wasted in someone that won't be here after one or two years after finishing it.
Yesterday, I asked him about CTBing the two of us during the next summer, so before entering my university, but he want to give himself more years until finally feeling that he don't have anything more to live for. A classmate during a conversation told me to not quit my dreams just for someone or for "love". My dreams are supposedly to go to England and be a teacher of spanish literature, to then enter an architecture university, but maybe my dreams are only CTBing. I told my bf that this reflection made me think that maybe I shouldn't wait for him, that maybe I should CTB alone.
He looked me in the eye with a sorrowful look and asked: What do you want? What do you really want?
And I didn't know the answer. Now I'm confused, I don't know if spending so much time and money during the next 8 years will be what I really want or directly cut all this shit before starting university.
I'm in my last year of baccalaureate and as I stupidly thought that it was a good idea to join the IB program, I made my parents spend a lot of money for studies that now I'm obligated to finish. I didn't know (or better I lied to myself that I didn't know) that I was unable to have a successful future, just only with my effort and perseverance.
The thing I planned to CTB after my graduation, or better the same day, because I didn't want to let anyone down before that. Then, during this summer I discovered what love feels, I met my bf and now he's the only one that knows abt my suicidality. He has told me that he also wanted to CTB, but his plans are more long term. He don't want to continue living after his 26, so basically he has about 8 years more to live his life at its maximum.
My plans changed, but I still feel very suicidal, I even planned CTBing to the end of september, but finally didn't do it because he tried to make me feel better. He don't want me to die without trying to live my life at its maximum, but I'm tired and the only thing I can think about its the enormous amount of money that my parents will have to spend in their useless daughter just to don't see her accomplish all of her supposedly "dreams". University is so much money wasted in someone that won't be here after one or two years after finishing it.
Yesterday, I asked him about CTBing the two of us during the next summer, so before entering my university, but he want to give himself more years until finally feeling that he don't have anything more to live for. A classmate during a conversation told me to not quit my dreams just for someone or for "love". My dreams are supposedly to go to England and be a teacher of spanish literature, to then enter an architecture university, but maybe my dreams are only CTBing. I told my bf that this reflection made me think that maybe I shouldn't wait for him, that maybe I should CTB alone.
He looked me in the eye with a sorrowful look and asked: What do you want? What do you really want?
And I didn't know the answer. Now I'm confused, I don't know if spending so much time and money during the next 8 years will be what I really want or directly cut all this shit before starting university.
