Crying so much...so lonely. I am close to the end.

[Beachedwhale]

I am crying so much right now. I am so lonely and have been for too many years. Social anxiety and the resulting avoidance is a plague. It sucks the richness and vitality out of life and leaves it a grey hollow hopeless shell, forgotten on the beach. Mental illnesses come on subtly and insidiously and make you think they are a part of you. After years of decline when you realise that you could've done so much with your life, could've had such an amazingly beautiful life, the envy of the world, yet you are presently at rock bottom with nothing to show for it, then the pain is too much to bear. That's my case at least.

After years of neglecting myself and failing in so many different ways, I had finally got to a point where I started getting in shape to feel better about myself, and I started to look really good. And then I took one pill of an antidepressant, and it completely messed me up. That was 2 months ago, and I am still messed up. I have some PSSD, crippling fatigue and huge seemingly permanent bags under my eyes from disrupted sleep. So now it is ten times harder to exercise and doesn't feel good anymore like it did before. I am not bad looking, but I need to look in my best shape in order to gain confidence. I am dreading the end of lockdowns when people will be going crazy with socialising and partying and I will yet again feel left out as I have for my whole life.

I am living with parents at 27, but If I can't get a job soon I don't know how much longer I can continue like this. I have been planning to jump from a very high height soon.

 

[WornOutLife]

I became a NEET at my 30s because of constantly neglecting myself and now that I'm 33 I'm a productive human again. Depression strikes whenever it feels like. I think your parents won't allow you to be homeless, right? That could help.

Just try to find a job which you like. No need to be a slave. I have friends who can even make a living by typing captchas or completing surveys online. Not the best jobs in the world but hey, I think working in an office or fast food restaurants is worse, for example.

If you gather enough energy, try to study something. That will lead you to a better job sooner or later.
For instance, I used to work as a spanish-english translator and now I'm a teacher. Languages opened lots of doors for me and I hope japanese does the same soon lol.

I know, what I say sounds easier said than done. However, if you're prepared mentally, things can always change for the best. I have LOTS OF DOWNS but the UPS have finally started showing up too.

 

[GreenTree]

Mental illness is cruel. I fucking hate it. No one understands and why would they. Every day a battle. Why would life be like this. People who live with mental illness are strong and brave. Anyone living every second with negative thoughts deserves praise. Its hard and we try and try and get no where. We want to die but society makes that nearly impossible. We plan our death and thats bloody hard. Hate it. Feel for you beachedwhale and others fighting constantly.

 

[whywere]

HI @Beachedwhale ! Your post made me cry, for real. I can not stand it when one of our global family members is having a rough go of it. 1st off, YOU, yes YOU are a BEAUTIFUL person, inside AND outside. I am on citalopram and it works ok for me BUT I have also tried other meds that were HELL , sorry for the curse word, on me and my brain. I KNOW what you are feeling, been there before. 2nd I am 65 years young and I have learned through a long life that EVERYONE is good looking and I bet that YOU are a glowing and stunningly LOVELY person!! You have so, so much to give all of the global family members here, count me in 100% on that!!, and the rest of the world. I am 6ft, 2 inches tall, and I was built by GOD or whoever with VERY small arms and body in general. I look like a plucked chicken all of my life, BUT I always told myself each and every day that I was/am a person that mattered in the whole scheme of things and SO ARE YOU!!!!!!! I NEED you here on Sanctioned Suicide as YOU are part of our global family and this place is NOT complete without YOU @Beachedwhale, I am being 100% honest. Like my first name: Walter, (never ever anything fake or phoney about me EVER). I CARE, LOVE, have all the EMPATHY and SUPPORT for you that I have in the fiber of my being. Walter

 

[Beachedwhale]

I became a NEET at my 30s because of constantly neglecting myself and now that I'm 33 I'm a productive human again. Depression strikes whenever it feels like. I think your parents won't allow you to be homeless, right? That could help.

Just try to find a job which likes you. No need to be a slave. I have friends who can even make a living by typing captchas or completing surveys online. Not the best jobs in the world but hey, I think working in an office or fast food restaurant is worse, for example.

If you gather enough energy, try to study something. That will lead you to a better job sooner or later.
For instance, I used to work as a spanish-english translator and now I'm a teacher. Languages opened lots of doors for me and I hope japanese does the same soon lol.

I know, what I say sounds easier said than done. However, if you're prepared mentally, things can always change for the best. I have LOTS OF DOWNS but the UPS have finally started showing up too.

I've been a NEET (or hikikomori if you will for 3 years now, after graduating with a shit degree with shit grades that I took double the normal time to finish, in a place that I hated and where I deteriorated and met people who exploited me. The painful thing is I have no idea why I did that to myself and everyday I drown in regret. I could've easily left there and gone to the place I wanted to be in where I would've been happy and met people like me and become successful. It feels too late to have that experience of 'social development' at university now, as I'm 27. Everything went wrong, not the way it's supposed to go. Mental illness fucks you up in the weirdest ways.

But you are right. I want to study a vocation that will actually get me a career, but missed deadlines this year. So it's just more dawdling while jobs are decimated in the worst recession in centuries. It's great that you've gotten to leverage your language skills. It sounds like you're not currently desperate, which is good. I am quite desperate these days. I am dreading the end of lockdown, and the jobs crisis will continue.

Mental illness is cruel. I fucking hate it. No one understands and why would they. Every day a battle. Why would life be like this. People who live with mental illness are strong and brave. Anyone living every second with negative thoughts deserves praise. Its hard and we try and try and get no where. We want to die but society makes that nearly impossible. We plan our death and thats bloody hard. Hate it. Feel for you beachedwhale and others fighting constantly.

I am glad you feel that way, but sadly I can't take much solace in those accolades. I feel for you too greentree. We don't deserve this.

 

[LunarPyotr]

@Beachedwhale
Yeah, I know that fucking feeling.
Even though I'm lonely, I can't bring myself to date anyone because of my previous experiences.
Sometimes I have those dreams of finally finding "the right one" but then I wake up with tears in my eyes after realizing that this was just another stupid dream

Hell, sometimes I even think that my parents think that I'm homosexual which isn't the truth