Venting Crying and Drinking Tonight

[HGL91]

I'm just crying and drinking tonight. I don't care how hard it will be to wake up in the morning with a hangover. I'm tired of being sober and dealing with the constant change of anxiety and numbness. I can't stand another day in this world. I'm so tired of fighting to be alive. Life just gets harder and harder.

Ok, rant over. :(

 

[All an illusion]

Drinking as well....sorry you feel this way HGL...i'm hoping that a few hours of sleep will help....sadly unless i'm working like a slave 50+ hours a week the only way i can get a good nights sleep is getting hammered. Don't give up m8.

 

[wanttodie.nz]

I know exactly how you feel. Each morning I wake up wishing I hadn't.

 

[HGL91]

Drinking as well....sorry you feel this way HGL...i'm hoping that a few hours of sleep will help....sadly unless i'm working like a slave 50+ hours a week the only way i can get a good nights sleep is getting hammered. Don't give up m8.

What are you drinking? I'm treating myself to some German beer, a Paulaner hefe-weizen, to be exact!

Thanks for the kind words. I can relate. I've had insomnia most of my life. Though, I've lately been able to sleep because I've given up on life, so all I need to worry about is get my suicide method together and CTB. I don't live alone though, so I've just needed enough time alone to do it successfully which has been harder than I expected.

In the meantime, making this forum a large part of the last chapter of my life has been quite comforting. It's been first in a while that I feel that I can relate with people for the sake of connecting, rather than being fake happy, informative and motivational in order to make money, so that's cool.

I know exactly how you feel. Each morning I wake up wishing I hadn't.

Same. I've actually always thought this when I woke up since I was a kid, but figured it was normal or that one day I'd "get better at waking up". I've always had to count to 3 and leap out of bed, or I just couldn't do it, even as an adult lol 1-2-3 WHOOSH! And then straight to coffee.

 

[All an illusion]

I used to be a big beer drinker but all it did was get me stuffed and bloated....now i do mixed vodka drinks...insomnia is terrible....not being able to sleep well on a regular basis is basically torture....i'm sorry that you feel that CTB is your only way out....feel free to message me anytime m8.

 

[HGL91]

I used to be a big beer drinker but all it did was get me stuffed and bloated....now i do mixed vodka drinks...insomnia is terrible....not being able to sleep well on a regular basis is basically torture....i'm sorry that you feel that CTB is your only way out....feel free to message me anytime m8.

Yeah, mixed vodka drinks are better in that case. I haven't had any alcohol for a long time until recently. I was a strict vegan for 6 years, working at the farmers market and taught yoga and exercise classes, so I was physically healthy, but unfortunately my mental health snapped, and I've messed up my life, so I rather CTB.

I lived a very fun life in my 20s filled with yoga retreats, travel to Europe and South America for pleasure and visiting family, dating attractive men, and basically abusing my credit cards. I can't see my future being anything more exciting than that. In fact, when I view my future it seems sad, boring at best, and stressful at worst, because I don't have the large amount of money, health or beauty that I used to have.

And yes, insomnia is awful! That alone can make a person feel irritable and nauseous. Not sure how I got As in high school and college on 4 hours of sleep daily. Must have been my body being strong due to youthfulness.

 

[All an illusion]

Well it seems that you've lived an adventurous life at least...please be at peace with whatever road you choose...you're loved

 

[HGL91]

Well it seems that you've lived an adventurous life at least...please be at peace with whatever road you choose...you're loved

Very adventurous! :) Thank you!

 

[laiduponit]

Been planning to get some drinks for tonight or tomorrow, been longer then two days since my last drink so it is long enough for me. Not much of a beer drinker, though like six shots of vodka and I can black out which is good enough to forget about reality for a while. I'm turning twenty late this year, already starting to feel old and miserable. Sounds exciting what you managed to do though, always stuck by the 'Short but fun over long and boring life'.

 

[All an illusion]

Been planning to get some drinks for tonight or tomorrow, been longer then two days since my last drink so it is long enough for me. Not much of a beer drinker, though like six shots of vodka and I can black out which is good enough to forget about reality for a while. I'm turning twenty late this year, already starting to feel old and miserable. Sounds exciting what you managed to do though, always stuck by the 'Short but fun over long and boring life'.

I know how you feel...trust me....escaping this "reality" is a must in my book...at least a few times a week....i'd be dead a long time ago if i didn't have an outlet...sadly enough.

 

[pole]

Yeah im feeling sad, stressed and extremely anxious at 3 am right now with sad music on in my bed.

wish we all could find some sort of peace.

 

[laiduponit]

I know how you feel...trust me....escaping this "reality" is a must in my book...at least a few times a week....i'd be dead a long time ago if i didn't have an outlet...sadly enough.

Only started drinking when I turned 19 as well, im surprised i managed to make it this far without alcohol.

 

[Soulless_Angel]

Drinking can keep you from not sleeping, I drink a lot, cutting back at the mo, I find when Im drinking I can't sleep, when I don't drink I sleep really well

Either way, Drinking to get me through the hell of life is my routine, it doesn't numb anything any more though which is frustrating

 

[HGL91]

Been planning to get some drinks for tonight or tomorrow, been longer then two days since my last drink so it is long enough for me. Not much of a beer drinker, though like six shots of vodka and I can black out which is good enough to forget about reality for a while. I'm turning twenty late this year, already starting to feel old and miserable. Sounds exciting what you managed to do though, always stuck by the 'Short but fun over long and boring life'.

Same. I was always a live fast, die young type! I'm actually surprised I've made it to 27 and a 1/2.

Oi vey. I've never been good at taking shots, especially of vodka. Tastes like rubbing alcohol and burns the throat. To each their own. :)

Sorry you're feeling old and miserable. What about your life is making you feel old and miserable?

 

[All an illusion]

Drinking can keep you from not sleeping, I drink a lot, cutting back at the mo, I find when Im drinking I can't sleep, when I don't drink I sleep really well

Either way, Drinking to get me through the hell of life is my routine, it doesn't numb anything any more though which is frustrating

Hmm if im not in an ideal sleep setting i can agree with you....i'll wake up and never be able to get back to sleep....but if i'm drunk and comfy i can knock out and sleep for hours...guess it's all subjective.

 

[HGL91]

Yeah im feeling sad, stressed and extremely anxious at 3 am right now with sad music on in my bed.

wish we all could find some sort of peace.

1:15am over here. What's got you feeling all of that right now?

Drinking can keep you from not sleeping, I drink a lot, cutting back at the mo, I find when Im drinking I can't sleep, when I don't drink I sleep really well

Either way, Drinking to get me through the hell of life is my routine, it doesn't numb anything any more though which is frustrating

Yeah. Drinking keeps me awake as well. That or I wake up multiple times. It messes with REM sleep (aka rapid eye movement, when you're in in a deep sleep and able to dream). Hence why people can feel groggy the next day, aside from being dehydrated.

 

[pole]

1:15am over here. What's got you feeling all of that right now?

school and courses and grades, being able to pay for school, insecurities, just thinking if its possible to try and feel and get better which im trying to do.

almost 4 am here. :/

What about you?

 

[laiduponit]

Same. I was always a live fast, die young type! I'm actually surprised I've made it to 27 and a 1/2.

Oi vey. I've never been good at taking shots, especially of vodka. Tastes like rubbing alcohol and burns the throat. To each their own. :)

Sorry you're feeling old and miserable. What about your life is making you feel old and miserable?

i hate vodka too but i always like to say my money like a good goy, i had two shots of moonshine once and couldnt get out of bed for nearly a week

i think its just how things changed from me going to nursery and coloring giraffes, suddenly im learning more and more, i reach high school and get indoctrinated with a bunch of bullshit about GET GOOD GRADES. GO TO UNIVERSITY. WORK A JOB. PROCREATE. DIE. then when i got out of high school, noticed that it was all horse shit then i started to realize everyone is just tricked and trapped, the moment i started to question myself on the norm of opinions and systems in place was the moment i felt older and miserable

 

[All an illusion]

school and courses and grades, being able to pay for school, insecurities, just thinking if its possible to try and feel and get better which im trying to do.

almost 4 am here. :/

What about you?

It's a shame that trying to better ourselves adds such a burden on our mentalities...you would think that we'd be helped with that or not stressed as much....what a joke.

i hate vodka too but i always like to say my money like a good goy, i had two shots of moonshine once and couldnt get out of bed for nearly a week

i think its just how things changed from me going to nursery and coloring giraffes, suddenly im learning more and more, i reach high school and get indoctrinated with a bunch of bullshit about GET GOOD GRADES. GO TO UNIVERSITY. WORK A JOB. PROCREATE. DIE. then when i got out of high school, noticed that it was all horse shit then i started to realize everyone is just tricked and trapped, the moment i started to question myself on the norm of opinions and systems in place was the moment i felt older and miserable

Haha good goy....you're def awake laid...it's all a scam...we're all just to be used for the good of the system....some more than others...useful idiots...smh.

 

[pole]

It's a shame that trying to better ourselves adds such a burden on our mentalities...you would think that we'd be helped with that or not stressed as much....what a joke.

couldnt have said it better :(. literally begging right now by messaging my school to maybe talk to a counselor about my worries and talk to them about my problems surrounding grades, courses and finance.

 

[All an illusion]

couldnt have said it better :(. literally begging right now by messaging my school to maybe talk to a counselor about my worries and talk to them about my problems surrounding grades, courses and finance.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this...if i had the means i would help you without a thought....just please try you best to hang in there.

 

[pole]

I'm so sorry that you're going through this...if i had the means i would help you without a thought....just please try you best to hang in there.

im trying, really wanna try and file an application tomorrow to get the financial things going. Iv just been holding it out on like enrolling into courses and stuff. i havent even seen my results and grades of my exams like a few months ago and the class grades. Thats how much stress and anxiety i have, which is why i wanna talk to a school counselor. They said there busy, but i need a school counsel to talk to. mom doesnt help at all, constantly arguing and screaming and telling me im a failure and how ugly i am, making me even more insecure and stressed about everything.

started to work out again, got fired a few months ago thats also made me really depressed and im trying to work again as well. just trying to find the energy.

 

[HGL91]

school and courses and grades, being able to pay for school, insecurities, just thinking if its possible to try and feel and get better which im trying to do.

almost 4 am here. :/

What about you?

That is tough. :/ I went to community college and had money from parents to pay for the courses and worked part time during some semesters, so I didn't have to deal with that stressor, but even without the financial hardship, it's very stressful, so
I empathize.

I just feel like staying up late and chatting with you all on the forum tonight. Late at night is the only time there's ever any peace and quiet. Even early morning, people are up getting ready for work, housewives are jogging or going on walks with strollers, gardeners are mowing lawns, dogs are barking, chickens are squawking.

I like this time of night to be awake.

 

[All an illusion]

im trying, really wanna try and file an application tomorrow to get the financial things going. Iv just been holding it out on like enrolling into courses and stuff. i havent even seen my results and grades of my exams like a few months ago and the class grades. Thats how much stress and anxiety i have, which is why i wanna talk to a school counselor. They said there busy, but i need a school counsel to talk to. mom doesnt help at all, constantly arguing and screaming and telling me im a failure and how ugly i am, making me even more insecure and stressed about everything.

started to work out again, got fired a few months ago thats also made me really depressed and im trying to work again as well. just trying to find the energy.

Don't let anyone dictate your future....you control you....yes it's easier said than done but it's the truth....you sound amazingly intelligent...i think you can make it work.....and if in the end you see that you can't...then at least i can hope you said you tried your best....this world/illusion isn't for all of us unfortunately.

 

[pole]

Don't let anyone dictate your future....you control you....yes it's easier said than done but it's the truth....you sound amazingly intelligent...i think you can make it work.....and if in the end you see that you can't...then at least i can hope you said you tried your best....this world/illusion isn't for all of us unfortunately.

means alot, thank u.

 

[All an illusion]

means alot, thank u.

Of course bud...all the best my friend

 

[pole]

That is tough. :/ I went to community college and had money from parents to pay for the courses and worked part time during some semesters, so I didn't have to deal with that stressor, but even without the financial hardship, it's very stressful, so
I empathize.

I just feel like staying up late and chatting with you all on the forum tonight. Late at night is the only time there's ever any peace and quiet. Even early morning, people are up getting ready for work, housewives are jogging or going on walks with strollers, gardeners are mowing lawns, dogs are barking, chickens are squawking.

I like this time of night to be awake.

the night times so peaceful to me. i hate the daylight and just sunshine in general during the day, idk lol. Especially living in a big city.

i just need to find some sort of push and energy :/

whats ur story.

 

[HGL91]

i hate vodka too but i always like to say my money like a good goy, i had two shots of moonshine once and couldnt get out of bed for nearly a week

i think its just how things changed from me going to nursery and coloring giraffes, suddenly im learning more and more, i reach high school and get indoctrinated with a bunch of bullshit about GET GOOD GRADES. GO TO UNIVERSITY. WORK A JOB. PROCREATE. DIE. then when i got out of high school, noticed that it was all horse shit then i started to realize everyone is just tricked and trapped, the moment i started to question myself on the norm of opinions and systems in place was the moment i felt older and miserable

Lol I miss nap times and coloring giraffes too...Sorry, on a more serious note, yes, what they say in high school is mostly bullshit. But...they say that stuff to motivate you to get through it because you gotta go to high school by law.

Can you elaborate on how you started to realize everyone is just tricked and trapped, and the moment you started to question yourself on the norm of opinions and systems in place? Kinda vague and I'm genuinely curious what you mean.

the night times so peaceful to me. i hate the daylight and just sunshine in general during the day, idk lol. Especially living in a big city.

i just need to find some sort of push and energy :/

whats ur story.

I grew up in Los Angeles, so I understand the big city aspect.

My story (In very short) is that I've lived a very exciting, lavish life regardless of the fact that I keep self-sabotaging because I get bored and add drama to my life, and this time my self-sabotaging almost resulted in me becoming homeless, so I drove from California to another state to live with my mom and now I'm like "Damn...that was too close. Next time, if I didn't have my mom to save my ass, I'm not quite sure I'd be able to get back up."

Basically, I realized that my luck has run out and if I don't CTB while I have the freedom to, I could really fuck up my life badly due to my bipolar disorder.

 

[HGL91]

Oh my god. I'm drinking again tonight and I swear, even on antidepressants, I'm so depressed and feel hopeless, and yet, when I drink alcohol in the evening, I suddenly become super ambitious and want to go back to college and study and meet a guy and have a family and have all these goals.

Why can't my antidepressants affect me like alcohol?!?

 

[bLack_miLk]

Drinking every day like 10 beers since almost 8 years now. On top of that there is half a bottle of Schnaps and other substances, which should have fried my brain by now, but sadly (?) did not so far. Just quitted H for over 6 Months. I thought, since everbody is sharing his or her or whatever 's booze abuse, I may add this. ... Lol.. no real reason. I do not cry a lot anymore, that time is over, now I am most of the time ashamed, full of hated and disgust, but not every day... even for me, there are some moments of joy.
A night of binge-drinking is not the right moment to judge your life.
You have to beome a (polytoxic) aloholic like me to judge your attitude towards your own circumstances if ya wanna do it objectively.hihi.
Gettin drunk is fine, frome time to time, I became addicted later in life, never the less...be mindful with ur drinking and whatever consume... some shit gets you hooked pretty fast, especially when you are younger.
take care.