Crying again, today’s ramble

[darkenmydoorstep]

This song always gets me. 02.24 in when she says 'it's time to go home'.

Ever since I heard it about 6 months ago, I can be walking around about my business and it just hits me. Feels like she's speaking to me directly.

I just have the thoughts everywhere now. Today I was on the train and started thinking about throwing myself in the tracks. About finding out when those fast freight trains pass by. And often I think about my wrists slit too. The bleed. Jumping, that's another. As I walked over some new bridges today, just kept thinking of whether they'd be high enough.
I went to visit the town the man I love was born in. He is ignoring me again and I wanted to feel close to him. I'm so messed up obsessed that when we go periods not speaking, I sit doing his family tree. I know that's not normal.

My mum Is staying at the moment. I know she's unhappy and in the past has expressed wanting to die. I'd love to ask her to do it with me - she can drive and we could hire an
old car, a garage, make it peaceful …..but I know if I asked her it would backfire and it would just make her sad I'd suggested it. So here I stay. Full of suicidal thoughts and no peaceful, workable exit strategy…..

I suppose it just has to get worse first, so bad that the risk (of not dying/ending up in vegetive state) and pain are somewhat insignificant.

 

[Throwawayacc3]

God I hate reading these posts - not because of your situation but because they get to me. I feel that pain even though I don't know you or anyone here in the physicality sense but just the words alone.

I get the same feeling about the vegetable thing. I looked at the whole rope aspect and got one last year and still have it. I'm just seeing each day - still have her to look after (my dog).

It's this song for me -

Hung himself and their music resonates way too strongly with me.


I see the posts about people saying they are going to do it and I don't know what to say - it's really sad but I don't have answers for myself let alone others. I only know how to give information that I've studied.

I would say don't mention it to your mum though - if she talks to anyone else it could ship you off somewhere.

 

[darkenmydoorstep]

I will listen to the song in the morning when I won't disturb anyone. Yes - so many creatives take their own lives don't they? After hearing him mentioned in here last year I started reading the works of Mark Fisher. Another one who had had enough.

Yeah I wouldn't mention it to my mum just because it would make her sad if she knew I wanted to do it. No point doing that unnecessarily. But these days I look at her and others and think
"Seriously? What are you sticking around for?"
She has all these ailments and at 75 they're only going to get worse. My brother and I live miles away so don't get to see her that much. When my grandma died (9 years ago) she said she felt like driving off a cliff. Probably should have offered to jump in with her then…. I think it's easier when there's two of you who want the same thing. A strength and reassurance. Solidarity. But maybe not with my mum, eh?

Life is full of sadnesss isn't it?
Not for everyone, but when you scratch the surface, most human beings have this vacant feeling and are trying to distract themselves. Ask "But how are you REALLY?"
And sometimes they begin to open up.

At least assisted dying is getting talked about a little more these days. I just read Ireland are considering it. Maybe won't happen in my lifetime but I dream of a day when adults who have had enough can slip away, openly and peacefully without do-gooders trying to interfere. That we would have the option of donating organs to save others who want to live. Help the planet a little by not impacting on resources. They could even use us as fertiliser or a new source of fuel or something, most of us wouldn't care.
One day eh? :)

 

[Throwawayacc3]

I will listen to the song in the morning when I won't disturb anyone. Yes - so many creatives take their own lives don't they? After hearing him mentioned in here last year I started reading the works of Mark Fisher. Another one who had had enough.

Yeah I wouldn't mention it to my mum just because it would make her sad if she knew I wanted to do it. No point doing that unnecessarily. But these days I look at her and others and think
"Seriously? What are you sticking around for?"
She has all these ailments and at 75 they're only going to get worse. My brother and I live miles away so don't get to see her that much. When my grandma died (9 years ago) she said she felt like driving off a cliff. Probably should have offered to jump in with her then…. I think it's easier when there's two of you who want the same thing. A strength and reassurance. Solidarity. But maybe not with my mum, eh?

Life is full of sadnesss isn't it?
Not for everyone, but when you scratch the surface, most human beings have this vacant feeling and are trying to distract themselves. Ask "But how are you REALLY?"
And sometimes they begin to open up.

At least assisted dying is getting talked about a little more these days. I just read Ireland are considering it. Maybe won't happen in my lifetime but I dream of a day when adults who have had enough can slip away, openly and peacefully without do-gooders trying to interfere. That we would have the option of donating organs to save others who want to live. Help the planet a little by not impacting on resources. They could even use us as fertiliser or a new source of fuel or something, most of us wouldn't care.
One day eh? :)

Im not sure how to relate with that. I don't really get along with my parents and extended family either lives 6 hour drive away or 4 hour flight across Europe. I've always had connections to animals more than anything (even other people comment on how they act towards me) so I don't know. I do know that I don't gel at all with people. Only useful if I provide knowledge. Everything else is couldn't care less.

I'm not sure how I feel about the assisted dying stuff. Why? Because GOVERNMENT are the ones setting the rules for it. The Canadian government were pushing it and from what I could see was to get rid of "problem people" as they see it. Any of these types of systems/people involved with this stuff I do not trust. There's always a motive or money trail with these scum bags (especially in government, doesn't matter where: UK, USA Canada, Ireland, EU). Spain is banning owning certain pets for ANIMAL protection. You can't own a guinea pig, hamster, reptile, bird, etc. government are complete shit heads and they only care about themselves and how much they can abuse people and earn from it. Sorry I get quite wound up with this stuff.

 

[darkenmydoorstep]

I agree that government want rid of 'useless eaters' and that is their reason for furthering the notion rather than an honourable one but I also think that once a foot in the door is established, it would make it easier for anyone else who also wanted to go.

It's a shame if vulnerable people get caught up in all of that definitely. No-one should be coerced into dying, ever.

Not heard about the thing with Spain but seems ironic in the country of bullfighting. Priorities hey…..

 

[Throwawayacc3]

I agree that government want rid of 'useless eaters' and that is their reason for furthering the notion rather than an honourable one but I also think that once a foot in the door is established, it would make it easier for anyone else who also wanted to go.

It's a shame if vulnerable people get caught up in all of that definitely. No-one should be coerced into dying, ever.

Not heard about the thing with Spain but seems ironic in the country of bullfighting. Priorities hey…..

That particular bill EXCLUDED bull stuff - fucking hypocrites and corruption. What are they going to do? Knock on everyone's door and take away their parrots and birds? Do what with them? Asanine idiots in power. Idiots in power or people who get a taste of power and abuse it for everyone else to suffer.

At least here we have our own control. Government ANYTHING is bad. Too much corruption and self interest. Foot in the door for government policy always leads to overreach and abuse. "It's a big club and you ain't in it".

Look at the BBC. All media is garbage but they are the government talking piece of the UK. Twats. The lot of them. It's not left vs right or black vs white or any of that. It's us vs them.

 

[darkenmydoorstep]

Oh I'm with you re politics. I no longer vote as I see it as legitimising a corrupt system. Also, I need no-one to 'represent' me. I already do this job.
And I agree with the MSM and division it sows. Deliberate fragmentation.

 

[Throwawayacc3]

Oh I'm with you re politics. I no longer vote as I see it as legitimising a corrupt system. Also, I need no-one to 'represent' me. I already do this job.
And I agree with the MSM and division it sows. Deliberate fragmentation.

People that I've described ever so nicely above are some of the reasons why I'm here in the r first place lol. Pointing out things but being called wrong and having to deal with the consequences. Unless you "favours" or "groups" that align then no issues. Voting is the biggest load of nonsense but the masses still lap it up - "yes for change" . Parties don't want change… they want CONTROL. They just give the illusion of it. Why did I get autism and this IQ lol. So pointless.

The BBC even sent its attack hounds to try and shut this place down. UK government can fuck off. We get to chat here. We get to decide what we do.

 

[Untimely]

The BBC even sent its attack hounds to try and shut this place down. UK government can fuck off. We get to chat here. We get to decide what we do.

"Free speech"

 

[darkenmydoorstep]

People that I've described ever so nicely above are some of the reasons why I'm here in the r first place lol. Pointing out things but being called wrong and having to deal with the consequences. Unless you "favours" or "groups" that align then no issues. Voting is the biggest load of nonsense but the masses still lap it up - "yes for change" . Parties don't want change… they want CONTROL. They just give the illusion of it. Why did I get autism and this IQ lol. So pointless.

The BBC even sent its attack hounds to try and shut this place down. UK government can fuck off. We get to chat here. We get to decide what we do.

People that I've described ever so nicely above are some of the reasons why I'm here in the r first place lol. Pointing out things but being called wrong and having to deal with the consequences. Unless you "favours" or "groups" that align then no issues. Voting is the biggest load of nonsense but the masses still lap it up - "yes for change" . Parties don't want change… they want CONTROL. They just give the illusion of it. Why did I get autism and this IQ lol. So pointless.

The BBC even sent its attack hounds to try and shut this place down. UK government can fuck off. We get to chat here. We get to decide what we do.

People vote either because they have been gaslighted into it "women fought for the right…." or they are beyond gullible with hopium.

They absolutely want control hence all the messing around with u-turns to instil fear to keep people easily manipulated.

 

[darkenmydoorstep]

I listened to the song btw. Linkin Park. Yes I hear you. It's poignant. Thank you