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Aug 18, 2020
I am scared of poverty because I fear will never be able to work. I am pissed welfare is so low and that unemployed people get treated like shit. I am quite suicidal recently and soon I will have another clinic stay the sixth within 9 years. LMAO.

I wonder why they say the German health insurances lack money. But honestly I don't give a shit about the society. Poor people get treated like shit. I really enjoy it that they have to invest money into me. I think it would be way wiser though to give me a higher welfare in case I become unemployed because all I do is whining in these clinics about my sad little and pathetic love life which is non-existent and my severe anxiety about poverty. I assume this clinic stay might cost like 20.000 Euros for 6-8 weks. My research: I just read one day costs in a certain day clinic (not mine) 300 euros. I am there 5 days a week let's say 7 weeks. So it makes 10,5 k. I was not that far off.

My thought was to take Germany with me when I commit suicide by bankrupting the system with my clinic stays. They really improve my life quality temporarily and make me less suicidal but it is not sustainable. One time I got a nasty remark of the boss of that clinic I would feel too good for being there. While after my talks with other patients they all compared me with their rock bottom state and I even was not that explicit which I hell I went through. Lol.
Then I realized it is sort of the same thought Hitler had before he killed himself. He wanted to take Germany with him. Which sparked the thought I might be the reincarnation of Hitler which would explain all the bad karma that seems to follow me and maybe that led to my insane tormenting life. I don't seriously believe it of course. Religions always blame the victims and invent shit like karma. But damn I should not have a guilty conscience for going into a clinic if that's what keeps me alive.

I feel really privileged that my insurance pays to much. I think otherwise I might be already dead which is far from unlikely. Especially when I compare my treatments which the cynical jokes in other countries. I feel like I have to appreciate it and take its services instead of killing myself immediately without trying to reach out.
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