Help Crisis

[k75]

It's only 10am. I just want to make it through the day. If I can't make it through the day, I want to at least not fuck myself up.

Yesterday I had hope. For a little while, I saw another option and let myself think there was a way out of this alive. That I could live with myself and maybe start to feel again. Then reality came crashing back down and showed me how stupid that little fantasy was.

Now I'm slipping into crisis, where all the bad thoughts live, where all the horrible things I would never do are. These are the thoughts that happen when I spot a butcher knife in the kitchen and tell me to start stabbing myself in the neck and stick my arm in the garbage disposal and flip the switch and bash my head against the wall until there's nothing left. They tell me to walk out into traffic and go out at night for sex with strangers until one of them hurts me.

It's not my time and not part of my plan and I have a lot left to do but no recommended method, but what I do have is a handful of Xanax, a half bottle of rum, and 4,100 units of insulin. Maybe I should?

Maybe I should.

 

[Stan]

Sorry for your pain friend. We are not here to tell you what or what not to do. Looking through at ctb attempts they seem much more successful when there is clarity of mind because you can focus on the method. Perhaps doing it in crisis would complicate things. We all know the bad days and we all know the good days can give a glimmer of hope, whether it be real or false. My hopes and thoughts are with you. There are always people on this forum active if you want to talk

 

[k75]

I just need something to ground me. I've lost my anchor.

 

[Stan]

What has worked in the past to ground you? Did something special happen today that has changed? Can you distract yourself? I tend to put on a favourite movie or boxset, duvet up to my chin and try and forget. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't

 

[k75]

Distractions are hard for me. All the things I used to do and love and enjoy, I feel nothing for. It's all gone. It's the depression. I'm suffering from anhedonia so bad, I can't even taste properly anymore. I'm so upset right this second, even music is kind of irritating. I have sometime on TV, but I can't focus. My mind is racing, horrors. I'm in bed with the lights off because it's the only thing I can think to do, because I'm afraid as soon as I get up, I'll be grabbing syringes. I want to go back to sleep and try to ride it out, but there's too much adrenaline. I feel sick.

 

[Amz_Falls]

Distractions are hard for me. All the things I used to do and love and enjoy, I feel nothing for. It's all gone. It's the depression. I'm suffering from anhedonia so bad, I can't even taste properly anymore. I'm so upset right this second, even music is kind of irritating. I have sometime on TV, but I can't focus. My mind is racing, horrors. I'm in bed with the lights off because it's the only thing I can think to do, because I'm afraid as soon as I get up, I'll be grabbing syringes. I want to go back to sleep and try to ride it out, but there's too much adrenaline. I feel sick.

This may sound silly but literally punch the shit out of your pillow or something. Release some of the adrenaline and anger. It will also distract you and tire you out even if just for a bit it might give your brain a chance to slow down. Sorry if that sounds like patronising crap advice

 

[Stan]

Strangely for an old guy like me, I find computer or console games a sometimes good way to distract myself. I must be oldest gamer in the world! Maybe get get out of your home for a while just to get some different sensory inputs? I appreciate I am throwing out some random stuff here, but just tying to help

 

[k75]

I'm a lifelong gamer, myself. It's all just gathering dust...

I just had a good scream into my pillow. My neighbor banged on the wall. I want to punch him in the throat. Beating the pillow is a good idea. Thanks.

 

[Amz_Falls]

I'm a lifelong gamer, myself. It's all just gathering dust...

I just had a good scream into my pillow. My neighbor banged on the wall. I want to punch him in the throat. Beating the pillow is a good idea. Thanks.

Fuck the neighbour! Well done though. Try doing sit ups or press ups or anything just to get your body going to use up that adrenaline

 

[Stan]

Try doing sit ups or press ups or anything just to get your body going to use up that adrenaline

Exercise also releases endorphins that make you feel better. Plus it tires you out so you have a better chance of sleeping

 

[k75]

Thanks for the suggestions. I just don't know what I'm going to do. I feel so stupid and dramatic. I kind of regret posting at all, but I'm really trying to not do regrettable things. I just said yesterday I only want one attempt and to make it count, and there are loose ends all over the place.

 

[Stan]

I would suggest its better to reach out to people than not to. No judgement here my friend

 

[Soul]

@k75, I'm sorry you're suffering. You seem to be in excellent hands here with @Stan and @Amz_Falls, so I'll leave you to it. Be gentle with yourself. Breathe deep. Keep hydrated. (((Hugs)))

 

[k75]

Thank you.

I've ended up attacking a bunch of cardboard boxes I need to haul out to the dumpster. Fairly therapeutic. Many papercuts, though.

 

[Stan]

I've ended up attacking a bunch of cardboard boxes I need to haul out to the dumpster. Fairly therapeutic. Many papercuts, though.

How you doing?

 

[k75]

Still hanging on. It took all day to get my head right, but I think I'll be ok for now. I ripped up a lot of boxes, and got awesome support on here. Thank you all!