thealteredmind
Experienced
- Apr 2, 2024
- 219
(ugh... going to be a long post... sorry... if you can read it in its entirety... would appreciate it)
so... I'm running out of time. none of my experiments are working. I still have severe symptoms and I'm seeing no way out.
this crazy idea came to me. it would not save me, just give me more time (for what exactly...? being in this world is miserable)
right now I have depression (treatment resistant), pssd (lost my soul), protracted benzo withdrawal (FROM SHORT TERM USE) and insomnia (bit quiet right now).
a couple weeks ago when I was on another town... for some reason... my benzo symptoms suddenly were gone. I have no idea WHY or HOW. but they were absent. for 4 full days. this never happened. as soon as I came back here... they reappeared... instantly. WHAT THE FUCK.
(couldn't find the cause...)
(also my insomnia got a lil worse there... ha)
so I will take that as a sign.
however... my insomnia right now... is pretty quiet. it's there though... I lose between 40min to 2hs of time per night... but I still manage to sleep enough.
in fact, a small gift appeared... and it has been totally consistent... I no longer need 8hs to be ok. now I'm good with 7hs. very weird! but it's a nice relief.
so right now I'm averaging 7hs, sometimes more, sometimes less... always enough. my insomnia is quiet, which means... I have like 2-3 bad nights per month.
(that might be another sign)
regarding depression or pssd.. nothing to say. depression keeps getting worse every year. pssd doesn't improve.
now... I cannot do anything with my insomnia, depression or pssd. I can't improve them.
nothing works.
but if I could be relieved from all my benzo symptoms... I think I could... maybe... do the minimum to survive you know? not living actually... surviving like I have been doing my entire life...
I could go live to another town... maybe symptoms disappear again? and if I stay there long enough maybe be cured?
so I thought... what if I travel to another town... stay there for a full year... dedicate myself to study japanese while working a remote job... and then on 2026... go to japan?
why japan? IDK, I like the food. the culture and people meh... but something calls me there. I read they have snow too... I never touched or saw snow.
it is one thing to be depressed in my home country, and another different thing to be on another place... with cool sights and food and so.
yeah the novelty would last max 1 year... maybe 2 if I'm lucky. and then yes... nothing left to do.
but I don't know, my brain keeps working you know... thinking... how can I escape this tragic ending? well actually... the tragic part is my entire life... the end is just a logical conclusion.
eh... might be survival instinct.
so that's my plan... however... there are SEVERAL issues...
+ let's say I go to a different town... and symptoms don't disappear... or maybe they disappear a couple days then come back. well... totally screwed. nothing left to do
ok let's say... symptoms disappear there... and don't come back while I'm there... perfect! but now...
+ do I really have the energy to get another remote job and work 8hs a day (well actually less, you know how this is). I never stopped working... but I had my spirit then. I don't have my spirit, my soul anymore. that little thing gave me enough drive to set goals and barely be able to do things. it's not here anymore. why do I think I will be able to start working again? pssd removed my soul, it's not coming back. Also do I have the energy and motivation to keep a job? I always managed to do "ok" on jobs, even doing the minimum... but now... this is different. I'm tired, worn out...
ok, let's say I manage to get a job... great. and I'm able to work again... do the bare minimum.
+ will I be able to study japanese? I want to have a good level so I can go there comfortably. so maybe I would do like... 3hs per day?? I dont know!
This one... doesn't concern me. I know I will be able to.
ok... I'm on another town. no benzo symptoms. working and studying. all looks good... except
+ what if I go to japan and benzo symptoms start again? I wasted an entire year for nothing
WELL... in that case... I don't know. I'm thinking of going ASAP to japan, stay a few days and see how my body reacts. if all is well... perfect.
also, there's the chance that if I stay symptom free for 1 year maybe my body recovers and stop having symptoms ever again... that would be neat.
ok, so. I go to japan... no symptoms... return to keep working... but there's still a couple issues that could arise
+ insomnia could reappear... then I'm beyond screwed again. not willing to tolerate it
let's say it doesn't happen.
+ will I be able to tolerate 1-2 more years of living? depression is extremely painful to the soul, to emotions, to my psyche... how long till I say "no more"?
actually... I'm already at that point... I feel like "keep trying" is "let's keep the torture running"
let's say none of this happens.
but I have to be prepared you know.
at this point I should be recovered from pssd and benzo withdrawal. but I didn't.
so many things that can go wrong. I don't have patience anymore, no energy. I'm tired. been miserable my entire life and it just gets worse and worse.
I don't know why I'm thinking about this crazy plan...
---
so there you have it... what do you think about my fantasy? it's not totally impossible. but when you have my mental issues... and so very close to suicide...
eeeh that makes it harder.
so... I'm running out of time. none of my experiments are working. I still have severe symptoms and I'm seeing no way out.
this crazy idea came to me. it would not save me, just give me more time (for what exactly...? being in this world is miserable)
right now I have depression (treatment resistant), pssd (lost my soul), protracted benzo withdrawal (FROM SHORT TERM USE) and insomnia (bit quiet right now).
a couple weeks ago when I was on another town... for some reason... my benzo symptoms suddenly were gone. I have no idea WHY or HOW. but they were absent. for 4 full days. this never happened. as soon as I came back here... they reappeared... instantly. WHAT THE FUCK.
(couldn't find the cause...)
(also my insomnia got a lil worse there... ha)
so I will take that as a sign.
however... my insomnia right now... is pretty quiet. it's there though... I lose between 40min to 2hs of time per night... but I still manage to sleep enough.
in fact, a small gift appeared... and it has been totally consistent... I no longer need 8hs to be ok. now I'm good with 7hs. very weird! but it's a nice relief.
so right now I'm averaging 7hs, sometimes more, sometimes less... always enough. my insomnia is quiet, which means... I have like 2-3 bad nights per month.
(that might be another sign)
regarding depression or pssd.. nothing to say. depression keeps getting worse every year. pssd doesn't improve.
now... I cannot do anything with my insomnia, depression or pssd. I can't improve them.
nothing works.
but if I could be relieved from all my benzo symptoms... I think I could... maybe... do the minimum to survive you know? not living actually... surviving like I have been doing my entire life...
I could go live to another town... maybe symptoms disappear again? and if I stay there long enough maybe be cured?
so I thought... what if I travel to another town... stay there for a full year... dedicate myself to study japanese while working a remote job... and then on 2026... go to japan?
why japan? IDK, I like the food. the culture and people meh... but something calls me there. I read they have snow too... I never touched or saw snow.
it is one thing to be depressed in my home country, and another different thing to be on another place... with cool sights and food and so.
yeah the novelty would last max 1 year... maybe 2 if I'm lucky. and then yes... nothing left to do.
but I don't know, my brain keeps working you know... thinking... how can I escape this tragic ending? well actually... the tragic part is my entire life... the end is just a logical conclusion.
eh... might be survival instinct.
so that's my plan... however... there are SEVERAL issues...
+ let's say I go to a different town... and symptoms don't disappear... or maybe they disappear a couple days then come back. well... totally screwed. nothing left to do
ok let's say... symptoms disappear there... and don't come back while I'm there... perfect! but now...
+ do I really have the energy to get another remote job and work 8hs a day (well actually less, you know how this is). I never stopped working... but I had my spirit then. I don't have my spirit, my soul anymore. that little thing gave me enough drive to set goals and barely be able to do things. it's not here anymore. why do I think I will be able to start working again? pssd removed my soul, it's not coming back. Also do I have the energy and motivation to keep a job? I always managed to do "ok" on jobs, even doing the minimum... but now... this is different. I'm tired, worn out...
ok, let's say I manage to get a job... great. and I'm able to work again... do the bare minimum.
+ will I be able to study japanese? I want to have a good level so I can go there comfortably. so maybe I would do like... 3hs per day?? I dont know!
This one... doesn't concern me. I know I will be able to.
ok... I'm on another town. no benzo symptoms. working and studying. all looks good... except
+ what if I go to japan and benzo symptoms start again? I wasted an entire year for nothing
WELL... in that case... I don't know. I'm thinking of going ASAP to japan, stay a few days and see how my body reacts. if all is well... perfect.
also, there's the chance that if I stay symptom free for 1 year maybe my body recovers and stop having symptoms ever again... that would be neat.
ok, so. I go to japan... no symptoms... return to keep working... but there's still a couple issues that could arise
+ insomnia could reappear... then I'm beyond screwed again. not willing to tolerate it
let's say it doesn't happen.
+ will I be able to tolerate 1-2 more years of living? depression is extremely painful to the soul, to emotions, to my psyche... how long till I say "no more"?
actually... I'm already at that point... I feel like "keep trying" is "let's keep the torture running"
let's say none of this happens.
but I have to be prepared you know.
at this point I should be recovered from pssd and benzo withdrawal. but I didn't.
so many things that can go wrong. I don't have patience anymore, no energy. I'm tired. been miserable my entire life and it just gets worse and worse.
I don't know why I'm thinking about this crazy plan...
---
so there you have it... what do you think about my fantasy? it's not totally impossible. but when you have my mental issues... and so very close to suicide...
eeeh that makes it harder.
