Discussion Craziest, most inconsistent, most illogical thing about your life or mindframe or goals as a suicidal person?

[ChildrensITV]

I want to die 5 minutes ago. In fact, I want to die decades ago. But while I am here, I want to pass my practical driving test. I passed my theory recently and I want to drive a bit, before I end my life. Also, I go to the gym when I can muster the energy. It's weird, lifting for a better physique while wanting to be in a box 6ft under at the same time.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

It makes sense to do these things because it is never certain when you will CTB, or IF you ever will. Don't shit where you eat and all that.

 

[tary]

I also want to stop stuffing my face and go from 90 kg to 70 before I CTB. I have the time to do it, it's just going to take effort and self-control.
One of the reasons I want to do it is so that my recommended SN dose will be 25 g, and I'll only have to use one 50 g bag for my (hopefully only) attempt, so I can try again twice if I fail somehow. I guess it's as good a motivation as any other

 

[ScissorYoda]

I want to die, but first I want to take lots of ketamine, just because that's the only time I feel at peace while alive.

 

[catastrophix]

My childhood was agonizing due to untreated mental illness, so I always wanted some kind of sickness to make me look sick not just mentally, but physically as well. I was bulimic for a while, but I didn't lose much weight to look sickly. Some of my meds make it easier to become dehydrated, so there have been days I avoid drinking anything, just so everyone could see how much pain I actually am in. I know this all sounds absurd, but I gave so many signs throughout my childhood that I was miserable, and they were largely ignored. It's almost like I hope the sickness spreads so I could just go from illness rather than CTB.

 

[goodbye_._]

I will do anything, literally anything even if it kills me because I don't care. I usually want something to kill me because I'm a little more scared to do it myself.

 

[Krobo]

I want to die tomorrow morning, but the next chapter of the e-book I'd like to read isn't being published until tomorrow afternoon. If I had access to time travel, I could resolve this conundrum, but such a power would fix many of my other problems and make me not want to die.

 

[Pancake]

Staying tidy. I clean my room and random things around the house when I can. Which isn't often anymore, but I like doing it.

 

[Noi]

I want to do well in my studies. Make new friends. Learn a few languages. Try a bunch of hobbies, etc. Well whether or not those happen doesn't really matter. It's just that if there's an afterlife I owe it to a certain someone to have lived a life worth telling them about.

 

[SoldSoul]

I want to watch all the Avatar movies and play tlou 3 before I die. I love that game more than my life. Maybe learn Russian if I'm feeling spontaneous, it'd be pretty cool to visit Canada as well. Also I want to get a bunch of tattoos.

 

[It'sMyLife]

I think the biggest inconsistency most of us are guilty of is the act of sustaining ourselves. If you're getting out of bed, drinking water, eating, going to the store so you can eat or even brushing your teeth then you're actively sustaining yourself (and temporarily postponing the inevitable).I certainly have unfinished things to accomplish and I just honestly cannot do them all right now. I think by the end of this year I'll be much closer to this point - I'm hoping anyway. It's why I often hope for a bolt of lightning to take me out I'm not sure you'd even feel it. But that's a near mathematical unlikelihood unfortunately. I am always impressed with people who join this forum and follow through in short order to CTB

 

[Scacie]

I want to switch to injections (for HRT) not sure why, it's literally completely illogical. I have enough meds to last until way after I CTB, and yet I want to spend bout 200 dollars in total for injections and needles. I know it's illogical, but also, I don't need the money very soon, so I bought it haha

 

[madwantstodie]

i'm very inconsistent with my outward desire of wanting to die. in my mind i'm always open to it, i would say i'm ??passively suicidal?? Like if i got a serious illness or were put in danger i cant say i'd try to stop the worst from happening. in my real life i live pretty normally (not that i really have a choice). I work, i go out with friends, i make plans for my future. Hell! i'm planning on getting an apartment with 2 of my friends within the next year or so. We'll see if i make it that long

 

[midnightluv]

I wanna graduate with my BS in Psychology cum laude. I'm a sophomore now. But it probably won't come true and I probably will be having a memorial service instead of a graduation party.

 

[Unsure and alone]

Gathering the things needed to die .
Yet wishing I could promise to stay for a dream event in a few months.

Feeling so dead inside
And feeling so extremely emotional.

Struggling just to take care of myself so much more these days .
And pretending I'm fine when I'm around others .
Actually trying to make a list of things to get done and mostly or completely failing it .

Wanting to die so very much.
But I still so desperately wish things could/ would change to make living okay again.

Those are some of my inconsistencies.