Venting Crap friend rant

[lululoo]

I have this friend I have known for 30 yrs. We live 10 minutes from each other and she has no kids or other big responsibilities. She is mentally healthy. She knows I have chronic pain, illness, and depression and that the past few months have been especially horrible for me. And yet....

all I get from her is the occasional checking in text. She will occasionally invite me along to things she should know by now I'm unlikely to be able to drag myself to (e.g., come see a band with her and her boyfriend at 9 pm when I feel like death!). But that's it. yet the wording of her texts implies that we are close and she is there for me. Things like "I love you" or promises to help me deal with a particular difficulty. But it's all just complete bullshit. I haven't seen her in months. It's a joke. I just want her to leave me alone because these texts are just reopening a wound every single time. But I can't say something to officially end our friendship--it would be too painful. Also, our families are friends.

I just hate the phoniness so much.

In our latest exchange, she emailed me that NYT article about "5 things I wish I'd known about chronic illness." One of the five things was about people always give you advice about how to feel better. I told her that hasn't been true for me. And she asked me to explain so I said that people in my life haven't wanted to take on that role. I tried to phrase it diplomatically even though what I wanted to say was "No one in 15 years of pain and illness, including YOU, has even googled my conditions or made one single suggestion!" Anyway, she just never replied. So now I have to ruminate over whether I was rude or whether she is being rude or what.

I will feel 0% guilt about her emotions when I CTB.

 

[Chlo]

I can understand your frustration at her lack of depth... might be good to just come right out and tell her how you feel. Worst case scenario, the friendship ends.

 

[lululoo]

I can understand your frustration at her lack of depth... might be good to just come right out and tell her how you feel. Worst case scenario, the friendship ends.

Thanks. The problem is I already addressed the fact that she doesn't seem to want to hang out with me much. She said it was not intentional and that maybe it's just because she's been hanging out with her boyfriend. But I know she sees other people besides her boyfriend, and that's not really an excuse anyway. So I just feel like we can't have an honest discussion. She just comes back with excuses or phoniness.

 

[Worthless_nobody]

As someone with chronic pain and depression as well I can relate. i had a friend who just didnt get it. They constantly said stuff like "oh you can improve your life and get better but me, no way I cant". I thought it was rather hypocritical of them since they were not actually in pain or depressed but just upset over a break up. It seemed as though when I really need a friend they are not there but when they need me Im there for them. I ended up ending that friendship and may others as well because Im just too tired and apathetic to communicate with people who try to convince me my life is "worth living" yet they cant even respond to me when I try and seek comfort. As the person above said maybe just tell her how you feel.

 

[lululoo]

As someone with chronic pain and depression as well I can relate. i had a friend who just didnt get it. They constantly said stuff like "oh you can improve your life and get better but me, no way I cant". I thought it was rather hypocritical of them since they were not actually in pain or depressed but just upset over a break up. It seemed as though when I really need a friend they are not there but when they need me Im there for them. I ended up ending that friendship and may others as well because Im just too tired and apathetic to communicate with people who try to convince me my life is "worth living" yet they cant even respond to me when I try and seek comfort. As the person above said maybe just tell her how you feel.

Good for you for not putting up with this shit. I'm sorry you've had to deal with it too. It's very sad how the vast majority of people cannot empathize with chronic pain or depression until the day they get it too.

 

[Worthless_nobody]

Good for you for not putting up with this shit. I'm sorry you've had to deal with it too. It's very sad how the vast majority of people cannot empathize with chronic pain or depression until the day they get it too.

Right! I have realized over the years that the people I thought were my friends really didnt care about me. They just thought I was negative or complaining. And maybe I was negative Im willing to admit that but I just feel like if someone cares they will still be there for you no matter what. people have shown me over and over again that Im only worth their time when they are going thru a crisis or something. Its sad thats its so hard to find people who sympathize and understand how debilitating chronic pain and depression is.

 

[lululoo]

Right! I have realized over the years that the people I thought were my friends really didnt care about me. They just thought I was negative or complaining. And maybe I was negative Im willing to admit that but I just feel like if someone cares they will still be there for you no matter what. people have shown me over and over again that Im only worth their time when they are going thru a crisis or something. Its sad thats its so hard to find people who sympathize and understand how debilitating chronic pain and depression is.

It sucks because the pain and depression are misery in themselves, but then you are doubly punished by friends who abandon you, doctors who dismiss you, work life that you're not suited to... and the list goes on.

 

[WhiteRabbit]

People just don't know how to handle stuff like this. To them you're just a drag, as harsh as that sounds. I deal with it too, even from my own mom : /

 

[lululoo]

People just don't know how to handle stuff like this. To them you're just a drag, as harsh as that sounds. I deal with it too, even from my own mom : /

It disgusts me though because I honestly don't complain much about my situation. And it's not visible. But I guess I don't have fun stories to share or do exciting things and clearly my life is going nowhere so I guess I can see that being a drag even if I act pretty normal.

 

[WhiteRabbit]

Have you tried talking to her about it?

 

[lululoo]

Have you tried talking to her about it?

I've talked to her about her absence in my life and she claims it is not intentional. I haven't asked if I am dragging her down in some way. Have you had talks like that with friends?

 

[WhiteRabbit]

No, I had just moved to a different state when I got sick, so the only person I know here is my husband. I've tried talking to my mom about what i'm going through and she just gives me some "power of positive thinking" and "just tough it out" bs.

Most chronically ill people lose friends because they aren't considered as fun as they once were. It sucks.

 

[Kyrok]

I've been known to drag people's mood down, both because of pain, but also my disposition.

A couple years ago, my wife and I travelled to Chicago, but after one day, I was in too much pain to do anything. I stayed in the hotel as she visited sites. She was very upset about it, but on our next trip, I smoked a ton of marijuana every day so I could tolerate walking. Likewise, before we go out for dinner, I'll usually take an oxycodone.

Being in pain is absolutely a downer for other people. To let them have a good time, I sometimes work my meds around their needs.

 

[WhiteRabbit]

I've been known to drag people's mood down, both because of pain, but also my disposition.

A couple years ago, my wife and I travelled to Chicago, but after one day, I was in too much pain to do anything. I stayed in the hotel as she visited sites. She was very upset about it, but on our next trip, I smoked a ton of marijuana every day so I could tolerate walking. Likewise, before we go out for dinner, I'll usually take an oxycodone.

Being in pain is absolutely a downer for other people. To let them have a good time, I sometimes work my meds around their needs.

Yup. Even if you only mention it once and awhile, they're still sick of hearing about it. That's been my experiance.

 

[Kyrok]

My best friend also has chronic pain and we call one another when we're having major breakthrough pain. We can talk about it and help one another wait out until the meds kick in.

It is hard to understand what daily pain is like, pain that makes having a meal or watching tv a challenge.
My wife will sometimes see me stop eating and go into the living room to lie down. We'll just talk about whatever it is we're talking about. Now and then, when she can tell I'm struggling to make it through a meal, she'll just squeeze my arm and say "oh, sweetheart," understanding how upsetting it is for me.

 

[WhiteRabbit]

My best friend also has chronic pain and we call one another when we're having major breakthrough pain. We can talk about it and help one another wait out until the meds kick in.

It is hard to understand what daily pain is like, pain that makes having a meal or watching tv a challenge.
My wife will sometimes see me stop eating and go into the living room to lie down. We'll just talk about whatever it is we're talking about. Now and then, when she can tell I'm upset about not being able to make it through a meal, she'll just squeeze my arm and say "oh, sweetheart," understanding how upsetting it is for me.

My husband is the only one who is understanding, and like you said, I sometimes schedule my meds so I can go out and try to be normal once and awhile for his sake. Daily chronic pain and depression can be so isolating, which is why i'm on this site.

 

[Ldog9]

i think on the one hand sometimes ppl dont know how to react or comfort someone with health issues. sometimes you just gotta be blunt and tell them directly and specifically what you need. i know its difficulty but if they dont reach back to you, at least you'll know not to be disappointed by them anymore.

but on the other hand i ve realized ppl can just simply be selfish. our society rewards it. i find very hard to find someone genuinely compassionate or empathetic that's not wrapped in conditions.

i am truly sorry your friend isn't better. no one should have to go through with that alone.

 

[lululoo]

i think on the one hand sometimes ppl dont know how to react or comfort someone with health issues. sometimes you just gotta be blunt and tell them directly and specifically what you need. i know its difficulty but if they dont reach back to you, at least you'll know not to be disappointed by them anymore.

but on the other hand i ve realized ppl can just simply be selfish. our society rewards it. i find very hard to find someone genuinely compassionate or empathetic that's not wrapped in conditions.

i am truly sorry your friend isn't better. no one should have to go through with that alone.

I should have laid it out clearly long ago. I feel I have hinted and I also feel it should be obvious that I don't want to just be ignored. But at this point I just can't have that conversation because I'm too mad and I just don't even want to see her anymore. I don't trust her. Also I want to die soon anyway. Also I don't want to hang out and have to pretend to be normal.

 

[Vegrau]

Like I always said the word "friend" to them is something uttered in convenient. They never put much thought on it. They say it either as a lie/to make themselves or you feel good. They can never and will never do anything more than that. My "friend" which never talk to me for 10 years suddenly want to talk to me after hearing that I want to commit suicide. All I get was a msg and nothing more. Hah. I wont entertain that laziness.

 

[lululoo]

Like I always said the word "friend" to them is something uttered in convenient. They never put much though on it. They say it either as a lie/to make themselves or you feel good. They can never and will never do anything more than that. My "friend" which never talk to me for 10 years suddenly want to talk to me after hearing that I want to commit suicide. All I get was a msg and nothing more. Hah. I wont entertain that laziness.

You mean after hearing you are suicidal he just sent one message?

I never tell people I am suicidal anymore. Nothing changes in how they act and it crushes me.

 

[Vegrau]

You mean after hearing you are suicidal he just sent one message?

I never tell people I am suicidal anymore. Nothing changes in how they act and it crushes me.

Oh I told everyone I know then I cut off every contact with them. Because I know they cant and wont stop me. I did it out of courtesy wouldnt be very nice of me to leave without saying anything. I most certainly dont really care what they think. They're just never important to me to begin with.

And yes he sent me 3 msgs in total and I dont even read them. I delete them outright. If he "suddenly care" try calling me. If he wont that just show how much effort he willing to put into it and I too shall show him the same effort he has given me.

 

[TheCrow]

My wife...Now and then, when she can tell I'm struggling to make it through a meal, she'll just squeeze my arm and say "oh, sweetheart," understanding how upsetting it is for me.

Aww, that's really nice!

I've been known to drag people's mood down, both because of pain, but also my disposition.

A couple years ago, my wife and I travelled to Chicago, but after one day, I was in too much pain to do anything. I stayed in the hotel as she visited sites. She was very upset about it, but on our next trip, I smoked a ton of marijuana every day so I could tolerate walking. Likewise, before we go out for dinner, I'll usually take an oxycodone.

Being in pain is absolutely a downer for other people. To let them have a good time, I sometimes work my meds around their needs.

Yup. Even if you only mention it once and awhile, they're still sick of hearing about it. That's been my experiance.

My husband is the only one who is understanding, and like you said, I sometimes schedule my meds so I can go out and try to be normal once and awhile for his sake. Daily chronic pain and depression can be so isolating, which is why i'm on this site.

Geez, you guys, I'm so sorry you've been in so much pain & have had to deal with all of this!

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

This is the story of my life with friends and sadly even family to a degree. When I started really struggling in life I knew it was time to give up the flaky, conditional "friendships" I had. Everyone was out having fun, being young and carefree while I'd sit inside by myself, wanting to throw myself off a bridge and feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders. That's incompatible with relationships to a large degree because nobody wants that in their life and as someone who struggles you know you're not going to get the support you need from those who have led relatively charmed lives. I've have pretty poor treatment from family too though, unfortunately. I would have expected some people to at least look a few things up, or listen to me more closely. People just don't want to get their hands dirty with folks like us.

 

[lululoo]

This is the story of my life with friends and sadly even family to a degree. When I started really struggling in life I knew it was time to give up the flaky, conditional "friendships" I had. Everyone was out having fun, being young and carefree while I'd sit inside by myself, wanting to throw myself off a bridge and feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders. That's incompatible with relationships to a large degree because nobody wants that in their life and as someone who struggles you know you're not going to get the support you need from those who have led relatively charmed lives. I've have pretty poor treatment from family too though, unfortunately. I would have expected some people to at least look a few things up, or listen to me more closely. People just don't want to get their hands dirty with folks like us.

Same as far as family. Some of them will occasionally express sympathy. But no one ever looks up what I'm going through or tries to help me figure out treatment. My suffering is pretty invisible to them.

The only exception is my mom Lately. I think it's because she realizes I may end it soon. Also she developed her own chronic illness and may be more empathetic now. Plus she has nothing to do since she is house bound mostly. But back when she was healthy and could have really helped me I didn't get much.

I hope your girlfriend gets it and is helpful at least!

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

Same as far as family. Some of them will occasionally express sympathy. But no one ever looks up what I'm going through or tries to help me figure out treatment. My suffering is pretty invisible to them.

The only exception is my mom Lately. I think it's because she realizes I may end it soon. Also she developed her own chronic illness and may be more empathetic now. Plus she has nothing to do since she is house bound mostly. But back when she was healthy and could have really helped me I didn't get much.

I hope your girlfriend gets it and is helpful at least!

Thank you, and she does. It's just tough when everyone else around you really doesn't get it. I don't know if this is similar for you, but I have often felt like I could talk about my chronic illness for hours on end without it making any difference. There is something about it that just doesn't get absorbed. It simply does not compute with healthy, well-adjusted people - it's like you're speaking two different languages. In my case it just sort of gets lumped in with depression, as if it's some outward, physical manifestation of it.

Like you I have also felt really disillusioned with the lack of support. Nobody has taken the time to look up anything or even suggest helping me out or getting to the bottom of it. I feel abandoned by my family and failed by the medical community. I feel really sickened that they have just gone on with their lives, going on fancy vacations and then calling me up and being like "so how have YOU been?" like how do you think? Utter shit, same as always, and barely able to function. Nobody understands the gravity of the situation or how difficult it's been.

Anyway, just want you to know my heart goes out to you. I know exactly what this all feels like.

 

[311]

I have this friend I have known for 30 yrs. We live 10 minutes from each other and she has no kids or other big responsibilities. She is mentally healthy. She knows I have chronic pain, illness, and depression and that the past few months have been especially horrible for me. And yet....

all I get from her is the occasional checking in text. She will occasionally invite me along to things she should know by now I'm unlikely to be able to drag myself to (e.g., come see a band with her and her boyfriend at 9 pm when I feel like death!). But that's it. yet the wording of her texts implies that we are close and she is there for me. Things like "I love you" or promises to help me deal with a particular difficulty. But it's all just complete bullshit. I haven't seen her in months. It's a joke. I just want her to leave me alone because these texts are just reopening a wound every single time. But I can't say something to officially end our friendship--it would be too painful. Also, our families are friends.

I just hate the phoniness so much.

In our latest exchange, she emailed me that NYT article about "5 things I wish I'd known about chronic illness." One of the five things was about people always give you advice about how to feel better. I told her that hasn't been true for me. And she asked me to explain so I said that people in my life haven't wanted to take on that role. I tried to phrase it diplomatically even though what I wanted to say was "No one in 15 years of pain and illness, including YOU, has even googled my conditions or made one single suggestion!" Anyway, she just never replied. So now I have to ruminate over whether I was rude or whether she is being rude or what.

I will feel 0% guilt about her emotions when I CTB.

She seems like she somewhat cares

 

[Buddyluv19]

I love the title of this thread!

 

[Buddyluv19]

Thank you, and she does. It's just tough when everyone else around you really doesn't get it. I don't know if this is similar for you, but I have often felt like I could talk about my chronic illness for hours on end without it making any difference. There is something about it that just doesn't get absorbed. It simply does not compute with healthy, well-adjusted people - it's like you're speaking two different languages. In my case it just sort of gets lumped in with depression, as if it's some outward, physical manifestation of it.

Like you I have also felt really disillusioned with the lack of support. Nobody has taken the time to look up anything or even suggest helping me out or getting to the bottom of it. I feel abandoned by my family and failed by the medical community. I feel really sickened that they have just gone on with their lives, going on fancy vacations and then calling me up and being like "so how have YOU been?" like how do you think? Utter shit, same as always, and barely able to function. Nobody understands the gravity of the situation or how difficult it's been.

Anyway, just want you to know my heart goes out to you. I know exactly what this all feels like.

This is exactly what I would have written if I could have put together the words.

My heart goes out to you as well.

 

[lululoo]

Thank you, and she does. It's just tough when everyone else around you really doesn't get it. I don't know if this is similar for you, but I have often felt like I could talk about my chronic illness for hours on end without it making any difference. There is something about it that just doesn't get absorbed. It simply does not compute with healthy, well-adjusted people - it's like you're speaking two different languages. In my case it just sort of gets lumped in with depression, as if it's some outward, physical manifestation of it.

Like you I have also felt really disillusioned with the lack of support. Nobody has taken the time to look up anything or even suggest helping me out or getting to the bottom of it. I feel abandoned by my family and failed by the medical community. I feel really sickened that they have just gone on with their lives, going on fancy vacations and then calling me up and being like "so how have YOU been?" like how do you think? Utter shit, same as always, and barely able to function. Nobody understands the gravity of the situation or how difficult it's been.

Anyway, just want you to know my heart goes out to you. I know exactly what this all feels like.

My heart goes out to you too. And yes I have felt like the info about how I'm feeling just can't be absorbed by them.

 

[lululoo]

Now this friend, who I haven't seen in months, is asking if I want to go to dinner with her for my birthday. I don't know what to do. I am angry at her and don't want to but I can't just blow her off. And I feel like I can't be honest either. This sucks.