In this comment I want to talk about how we speak to ourselves, how we, as adults responsible for our inner child, can heal and walk the road to recovery by speaking and behaving in healthy ways when we speak and act towards ourselves. This will not be easy. You have likely spent a long time mistreating and abusing yourself in the mistaken belief that:
- you deserve it,
- you are not good enough and should be punished,
- you are only worthy of contempt,
- the thing you think of as 'you' is not the same as the thing you berate.
That last is important. People from complex trauma will often assume that their brain or body is against them, that they are divided somehow into two people (one good, rational and wants to be healthy and successful, the other self sabotaging, impulsive, reactive and unmotivated to be healthy). While dissociation and the causal trauma can create schisms of thinking, the truth is we are a single entity, inhabiting one mind and one body. When we speak or act badly to ourselves it is to every part of ourselves. This fact is inescapable. Therefore, the consequences of approaching ourselves in unhealthy ways will be felt by every aspect of our self, including that part we think of as ourselves but also and even our physical body. The body is not exclusive to the mind and reacts, over time, in negative ways to negative patterns. For this reason people from complex trauma often suffer from physical issues. These can manifest as:
- stomach or digestive problems such as heartburn, hiatus hernia, irritable bowel syndrome and even ulcers.
- Chronic fatigue, muscle weakness or insomnia.
- Joint paint.
- Heart arythmia or palpitations.
- Back or neck pains, a tendency to easily pull muscles and cramp.
- Skin complaints
- Migraines
- Anxiety symptoms and surges of adrenaline which can be exhausting and debilitating.
- High or low blood pressure.
- Anemia and associated tiredness.
If you suffer regularly with any of the above complaints, first seek medical advice. It is ok to get help managing these conditions through medical channels. Medication will help to ease your struggles but making changes in your mind, in the way you speak to and act towards yourself will tackle the root cause - your inner self.
So what does unhealthy self regard look like? Recognizing the standard, go-to patterns will help us become aware that we use those patterns. As you recognize each one, allow any feelings of guilt, shame or unhappiness to pass by. Acknowledge them, but release them. Remember that knowing, then doing is an act of responsibility, which is admirable. We cannot know unless we are first informed.
- We are not open to ourselves, to recognizing our own struggles as valid or our self worth as innate, so we are impatient and closed to our own sense of confusion, despair or emotional turmoil. When someone says our life is inherently important, we don't understand what they mean.
- We are not attuned to ourselves. We may not understand why we feel the way we feel right now or why we are doing what we're doing. We act and speak in ways that hurt others but we may not want to speak or act that way and will certainly regret doing so later when we self analyze. We may not know our own sense of identity or feel harmonized with our sense of self. We don't know what it is we want out of life, either short or long term. As a result, we feel like passengers not pilots. This increases a sense of being two people and we are quick to judge that part of ourselves that feels out of control. We feel the pilot is not the true us and is so erratic and out of control that they will crash the plane.
- We don't 'get' ourselves a lot of the time and are quick to judge ourselves with inner dialogue like: "you idiot, why did you do that?" Or "Why can't I be like everyone else".
- We don't like ourselves, therefore we don't want to actively participate in healthy activities with ourselves. We may find ourselves isolated a lot of the time, but we are not comfortable in our own company. If we are alone we try to distract ourselves from our own presence, feelings and thoughts with unhealthy focuses like drugs, alcohol, masturbation, TV, phone screens, loud music etc.
- We don't allow ourselves to have fun unless that fun is in the company of others. Note that fun things are healthy things. Bingeing on alcohol or drugs, gambling or masterbsting is numbing, distracting, but rarely fun because there is always an associated sense of guilt. We may feel that guilt even when we find an enjoyable solo pursuit that isn't unhealthy. We will frame the activity as procrastination which tarnishes our enjoyment.
- We berate ourselves for our failures. We are our own worst and harshest critic. Our inner dialogue can be brutal.
- We don't feel safe with ourselves, so we don't trust ourselves. This increases that sense of the dysfunctional aspect of our inner self being a separate entity worthy only of contempt. All blame is placed on that entity for every problem in our lives.
- We do not feel true conviction in our own beliefs or values because we feel we are always in an unsafe conflict with ourselves. We are like two people arguing on the internet, but within one mind. Because of this we will feel easily threatened or attacked when our beliefs and values are questioned by others. Instead of standing by our convictions we will protect them, disengaging and becoming aggressively defensive.
- We are afraid of our own uniqueness and so we struggle to embrace that, which hampers our ability to be authentic. We present a version of ourselves that fits the situation or mask.
- We have unreasonable expectations of ourselves and berate ourselves when we are faced with a task that we think anybody should be able to do. If we attempt the task and fail, we come down hard on ourselves. If we attempt the task and succeed we don't acknowledge our achievement because this is a task 'anybody should be able to do'. In our mind we have simply met a minimum requirement for 'adulting'.
How many did you identify with? How many resonated?
Each one of the above examples for unhealthy self regard is also an example of toxic parenting. Parents who inflict trauma:
- do not have an open heart to the child or recognize them as valid, worthy or important,
- are not attuned to the child so don't have an understanding of their needs,
- don't 'get' the child and so don't identify or connect with them,
- do not do things with the child or spend healthy, quality time with them on a consistent, loving and unconditional basis,
- don't have genuine fun with the child, playing together on the child's level and being open to the child's imagination and desire to be silly, laugh and explore,
- are not accepting of failure, will be highly critical and frame failure in the child as a reflection on themselves,
- don't offer support or encouragement consistently or, in some cases, at all.
- don't help the child process their failures and learn from them,
- don't openly love the child or love them unconditionally and show genuine love for every part of them,
- do not tolerate disagreements. The child's opinion or beliefs and values are invalid because they are a child and any disagreement is framed as being argumentative and/or disrespectful,
- discourage uniqueness and encourage conformity, whether this is conformity with family or society and certain perceived, important values (important to the parent),
- ask too much of the child, giving them age inappropriate tasks to complete or unreasonable behavioural and thought process expectations. Without being taught, the child is expected to know how to behave. In extreme cases the parent includes the child in age inappropriate activities such as drinking alcohol, watching age inappropriate movies or being invited to participate in conversations that the child cannot understand.
You may notice the correlation between each bullet point for unhealthy self regard and unhealthy parenting. Our childhood experiences of parenting (the parenting style we were taught) translates to the manner in which we parent ourselves. Because trauma is cyclic, we may also find we parent our own children the way we parent ourselves. We may actively try not to do this. We may vow never to treat our children the way our parents treated us. But we will struggle with this vow so long as we practice those unhealthy parenting patterns on ourselves because every time we fall into those patterns we reinforce them.
So how do we 'parent' ourselves in a healthy way?
Firstly, we acknowledge that we have been using unhealthy patterns and that the patterns are indeed unhealthy. If we can do this, we have become aware of the problem as a problem. We now know. Knowing allows us to recognize that we need to change and trying to change unhealthy patterns is an act of responsibility. We no longer blame that dissonant, alien part of ourselves. We recognize that we are one mind and accountable. We allow any associated sense of guilt or shame to drift by. We acknowledge it but do not focus on it. We take time to let the knowledge and our intention to change settle in our mind. If necessary, we let the knowledge percolate for a while. It may be useful to return to this comment later and reread it.
Then we begin implementing patterns which healthy parents apply. We are now our own healthy parent. It will not be easy, comfortable or familiar. We will slip. That is ok because we are trying something very new and we are human. Knowing doesn't mean fixing but doing, trying and failure is part of that. When we fail, we apply the appropriately healthy self regard pattern.
- We open our hearts to ourselves as though we were our own child whom we love unconditionally. We tell ourselves gently and kindly that we are valid, that our self worth is innate and important.
- We learn to become attuned to ourselves. If our child were to come home from school and seemed unhappy and isolated themselves in their room, we don't demand they get out and stop feeling sorry for themselves. We empathize and acknowledge their sadness. We ask, is there anything I can do right now and we listen to them if they want to share, offer to be present without trying to offer any resolution if none are wanted or can be applied. In terms of self regard we acknowledge why we feel the way we feel and sit in any uncomfortable emotion, we don't judge and we don't place demands on ourselves to snap out of it. We might suggest to ourselves that we seek external guidance but we don't try to guide ourselves. We simply tune in to what it is we feel, name it and acknowledge that the feeling exists and that that's ok. We rise from our passenger seat and sit alongside the pilot in the cockpit. We don't try to wrestle the controls from them. We just sit with them and offer gentle encouragement. They are struggling to fly the plane right now but they are not alone and you trust them to regain control. You trust yourself.
- accept that we are unique because everybody is. Embrace our uniqueness and the things that make us special. List then if necessary and admire them. How dull the world would be if everyone were the same. Your uniqueness enhances the world, adds colour, makes everything more, not less, interesting. Acknowledge that being yourself is simply ok and that we cannot control the judgement of others. We can only change ourselves, stop ourselves from being judgemental. We can find others like us who share our interests and won't judge us for our differences. We can accept them as we accept ourselves. In doing so we can make valuable and healthy connections. We don't need external approval. We only need to approve of ourselves. The rest will follow naturally.
- We can spend quality time in our own company and acknowledge that our own company is good company. We can do this by taking up healthy solo activities. Taking a walk with ourselves in the countryside. Engaging in a solo hobby. Being creative and focusing on the joy of the creative process without judging the perceived quality of our output or comparing our output to others. Find what gives you the most satisfaction then set aside an evening or even a day to that activity. It should be something you can enjoy with yourself in a way that you are present with yourself. No distracting or numbing. Watching TV or even reading puts the focus on something else. Be with yourself and open to hearing your own thoughts, being interested in and atuned to those thoughts. They are valid. They matter.
- Have fun. Play and explore new things. Do a puzzle, ride a bike, kick a ball around on your own, climb a tree, sing and dance. Don't be embarrassed or feel you must perform to the best of your ability. Do it alone and acknowledge your own feelings. What do you feel? Acknowledge it. Accept it. Sit with it without judgement. It's ok. It's ok to be silly and to have fun.
- When you fail, and you will, offer yourself encouragement, tell yourself you will stand by you no matter what, that failure is normal and there will be opportunities to try again. Remind yourself that you have failed before and will again and that's ok. Failing is ok. You can only try your best. And if you realize that you didn't try your best, gently acknowledge that admission and learn from it. Not trying your best might be why you failed and that's a useful thing to know. Let any impulse to be critical or to berate yourself drift on by. You can acknowledge the impulse, but it's just that old learned pattern. You know better now. Goodbye old learned pattern.
- Offer yourself lots of encouragement. Talk yourself up. Hype yourself up. Tell yourself you've got this, you're going to smash it out of the park. Speak aloud. Find a private place to do that if it feels more comfortable. Remind yourself of all your good qualities, encourage yourself just as you would encourage your child or best friend or spouse.
- Trust in your own sense of the world as a series of ideas rather than convictions written in stone. You are separate from but informed by those ideas. If others criticise or question them, gently embrace the debate and be open to changing your mind if their argument is compelling. Think of it this way: if you are to live your life by a set of ideas it is best if those ideas are true and foolproof. It's easier to trust in them then and trust their ability to inform you. Any criticism is a criticism of the idea, not you. You are a person, not an idea. And ideas can be changed to make them better. This usually happens with external input, other points of view. This is healthy. At the same time, keep those who confuse you as a person with your ideas at arms length. Use boundaries. They are confused. You are not. You don't need to be responsible for their confusion.
- Recognize that we need to learn before we can do. Nobody is born with an ability to do all the things required of us as adults. We learn how to do them through education and applied practise. The guy who knows how to fix his own car learned how to do that then practised until he became adept. The person who can cook amazing meals learned how to do that then practised. You can learn things too. You can practice them. You can become adept. Acknowledge that this is the process. If you find any situation confusing or difficult to manage it is because you lack knowledge and practice. For almost every practical task in the world there is a YouTube video, or ask Chat GPT. There are an endless wealth of free online courses that teach everything from everyday skills like personal admin to the ins and outs of starting a new business. Maybe the task seems to you it is so simple no learning should be necessary. This isn't true. If you are struggling with a task, it isn't simple for you and that's ok. Trial and error will lead to frustration, so step back, take a breath and seek some guidance. Ask someone for help. Don't be embarrassed to do so. Most people who are adept at a thing will be delighted to help and pass on their skills. If they are not, find someone who is. Go easy on yourself and recognise the limits of your own abilities not as a constraints but a moveable line!
- Loving yourself unconditionally will come as you practice each of these new patterns. It won't happen overnight. It takes time and dedication, but it will happen and you can do it.
If you put these methods into practice, have any thoughts about what I've written or would like to add advice about how you have improved your own self regard please comment below. I would love to hear from you and this thread is all about you, your recovery and your struggle so please feel free to be open and make your important voice heard
