CPTSD safe thread

[theshund]

I wanted to start a thread about complex post traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD) which is also referred to as childhood post traumatic stress disorder.

Feel free to discuss, vent and reflect but please no judgement or condemnation. I will come back to this thread regularly to give advice and information about the different aspects of CPTSD which may help you to be informed. If anyone has resources they'd like to share please post them, provided they are either positive or informative

What is CPTSD?

Probably the root cause of the majority of mental health struggles beyond those associated with physical brain chemistry or brain damage issues (psychosis, schizophrenia, etc). CPTSD manifests in many ways including anxiety, BPD symptoms (and may be the root cause of BPD itself), dissociation, depression, disregulated emotions, self esteem issues, narcissism, shyness, suicidal ideation, insomnia, panic attacks and desperation.

CPTSD is caused by trauma typically inflicted during childhood and usually as a result of growing up in dysfunctional families. Trauma is a spectrum but the effects are usually profound in majority of cases. Someone who was neglected or grew up with inadequate parents who were either not present or inconsistent in their parenting can have as severe a case of CPTSD as someone who was sexually abused. The sensitivity of a person, the length of the trauma and the coping tools they adopted as a child will all contribute to severity beyond the nature of the trauma. Typically the trauma lasted years throughout the developing stage of childhood.

Do you suffer from CPTSD?

If you answer yes to at least 5 of these symptoms it is highly likely you do. Probably the vast majority of SaSu members do by virtue of being on this site in one capacity or another. Focus on the symptoms, not on dissecting your past.

- disregulated emotions, trouble maintaining emotional consistency.

- mood swings and reactive behaviour.

- regular or periodic suicidal ideation.

- low self esteem and lack of self worth.

- narcissistic traits (selfishness, manipulation of others, lack of empathy, a tendency to lie)

- your life seems to be a series of crisis after crisis.

- addiction (alcohol, drugs, sex, work, gambling etc).

- depression which seems chronic or recurrent.

- high and regular anxiety.

- poor memory.

- a desire to be rescued.

- heavy reliance or dependence on others.

- trouble maintaining healthy intimate relationships.

- social anxiety, shyness or fear of the spotlight.

- tendency to self sabotage when successful or life appears to be on the up.

- cynicism, bitterness, consistently negative outlook.

I will post more but for now don't want to overwhelm anyone reading this. If you identified with most or even all of the above, take a moment to breathe and sit in any emotional feelings that come up. You are safe right now and nobody is judging you so please try to be kind to yourself. Treat yourself right now as you might treat the person you love most in the world and check back in later. I will be giving more information and advice on how to start introducing methods and practices which will help you approach recovery

 

[theshund]

Healing from complex trauma is all about reparenting yourself and that will be the focus of this thread.

Think of yourself as two people. One is the adult, operating in the world within cultural and societal expectations and attempting - like all adults - to navigate often complex expectations and requirements. The other is the inner child, afraid for the most part and desperate to be helped. How you react in certain situations will determine whether the adult or the child are at the controls. The adult is cognitively aware, responsible, pro-active and can see cause and effect. The child is reactive, likely to freeze, take flight or lash out, cannot clearly see consequences to their actions, makes poor decisions and self soothes when afraid. But the world only sees an adult being reactive, an adult lashing out, an adult who makes bad choices and self soothes in adult ways (anything that feels good in the moment regardless of consequences, so drinking, gambling, taking drugs, casual sex, or even just procrastination - having fun instead of being responsible). At the extreme limit the child just wants the anxiety and pain to stop which leads to self harm as a distraction or suicide as a solution. Everything is short sighted because the child lives in the moment and has no capacity for patience. This leads to actions which hurt those closest to us, perpetuating the trauma cycle. They don't see the inner child, only an adult acting childishly.

So what causes the child to become dominant? We all have an inner child, but those of us with CPTSD are led by that child.

When children come into the world they are vulnerable and need protection, guidance, support and security. They look naturally to their parents and other adults but if they don't receive what they need they have limited options:

- find their own solutions
- find comfort elsewhere
- withdraw into themselves

Children are not good at finding adult solutions to long term problems, but they are good at finding childish solutions to short term problems, temporary fixes. They will try all kinds of strategies until something works. That then becomes their go to strategy.

Finding comfort elsewhere and withdrawing are solutions. The child might connect with a non parent who seems to give them what they need but lacks the natural love they require. Or they might retreat into a fantasy world where they feel comfortable and powerful, in charge of what happens. Or they might self soothe so the pain goes away temporarily. The child cannot escape their situation and cannot access the support or guidance they crave, which feels bad and scary. Anything that feels good and reassuring is a potential solution, no matter how unhealthy.

This is at the root of all complex trauma. The childish strategies are inappropriate in adult life but they become embedded and a go to for the child grown older. The adult's emotional and coping capabilities never mature as the trauma retards inner growth. The adult makes the same mistakes throughout their life as they fall back on childish solutions and when triggered, the child takes the controls, panics and flails around for a short term fix. Tantrums, selfish behaviour, reactive and unthinking responses are common and very difficult to control. Sometimes the adult is in charge and seems stable and cognitive but under stress they become 'disregulated' and everything is internalised as the child jumps into the cockpit. This can make it seem like the sufferer of complex trauma has, in extreme cases, two versions of themselves, but in most cases manifests as sudden mood swings.

People from complex trauma become experts at masking and suppressing the panicky, catastrophizing voice of the inner child. But this is exhausting, reserved for the outside world. The mask slips inevitably when energy levels are depleted or the sufferer feels they are in a safe environment around people they trust. It is therefore the immediate family who experience the inner child first hand.

In almost every case people who come from complex trauma hurt most those they love the most. Society doesn't recognise this in a sympathetic way. The hurt inflicted is interpreted as abuse and that's a difficult area to approach as we find ourselves in the cyclic nature of abuse and the reason complex trauma perpetuates through generations.

Note that abuse takes many forms: neglect, emotional instability or absence, psychological, sexual and physical. The abuser follows their own inner child and their own embedded patterns and, in turn, embeds new patterns in their children. It can be hard to find compassion or recognise the trauma as causal. Judgement is common.

The trauma typically leaves a child feeling inadequate, unloved and displaced. They assume the problems they face are caused by them, that they are inadequate, unlovable and unworthy. People from complex trauma have low or non existent self esteem and shame and every mistake they make and crisis they experience seems to confirm this as the external world judges them and reacts negatively to their compulsions.

The negatively affirming spiral is real and takes incredible effort and force of will to break. But it CAN be broken.

Perpetual shame and lack of self worth lead to depression. It can be hard to get out of bed and face the world - a world of harsh judgement, confusing realities and cultural expectations the sufferer is not equipped to handle. Masking is draining, which also depresses the nervous system, causes anxiety and feelings of despair.

Shame also affects a sufferer's willingness to engage in self care. Something as simple as taking a shower can feel pointless or dreadfully exhausting. Why care for someone you hate?

Self love isn't something that comes naturally to people from complex trauma. They have witnessed first hand all the damage they've caused and feel the only way to cope is to self soothe. Drinking, taking drugs, using sex, gambling typically become addictions. If the addiction can be broken - we tell ourselves - everything will be better. But the addictions are symptomatic, not causal. The complex trauma, unaddressed, will simply manifest elsewhere or the sufferer will relapse. Addressing the root cause will treat the addiction.

People from complex trauma also find it hard to trust and naturally so. They have been let down and failed by those they trusted to love them, nurture them and keep them safe. Those feelings of betrayal and insecurity become embedded. Recognise that this is the case if this is you but more than anything, acknowledge why. If people seem to let you down consistently throughout your life it may not be that they are untrustworthy but that you do not trust them. Your approach informs their reactions. Your interpretation is also an assumption, internalised to keep you safe and reinforce those assumptions. Being wrong here means being the bad guy, being the bad guy triggers our shame. We will go to great lengths to avoid dislodging that shame. It is deep rooted and hurts like hell.

So where do we start?

There are some simple things we can do and tell ourselves. Doing/saying these things daily will open us up to change, but the process will be slow. We are talking about building new neural pathways over the old. The old will still be there. We will slip, often. That's ok. Be comfortable with it. Accept it as normal. We cannot be perfect or heal overnight!

- Acknowledge where responsibility lies. You come from complex trauma and that isn't your fault. You cannot will yourself into healing overnight and are not responsible for the trauma. But once you know you have a problem, even if you cannot regulate your behaviour, you are now responsible for seeking help and healthy solutions. You are responsible for recognising that your behaviour stems from complex trauma, that your actions hurt those around you and that you need to take steps to change. Taking those steps shows accountability. That's a win. Keep an accountability journal. Write down each day one step you have taken that shows you recognize you have a problem and are being pro-active in approaching positive and healthy solutions. This doesn't need to be huge. You might say 'today I acknowledged why I can't get out of bed, then I counted to five and got out of bed because responsibility lies in knowing then doing.' or 'today I showered because keeping myself clean is an act of self care and I recognise that I don't take care of myself because I don't like myself and I now know why I don't like myself. Responsibility lies in knowing then doing'. Keep it positive and recognise the wins.

- Observe when the inner child takes over. Become an impartial observer free from judgement but acknowledge the aftermath, analyse it and reflect: what damage did the inner child do? Who suffered as a result? Was I self soothing? Was I withdrawing into fantasy? I know now why I do that. I can't control it yet, but knowing is half the battle (it really is).

- Monitor energy levels. Literally pause a few times a day and ask yourself, how am I doing? If you feel depleted, stressed, disregulated or anxious, take steps. Eat some food. Take a rest. Drink some water. Avoid self soothing with sugar or alcohol which ultimately depress energy levels in the long run. Remind yourself, masking drains me. It's a function of the cerebral cortex which exhausts calories faster even than exercise. It's normal for you to need time out.

- once a day recognise an uncomfortable feeling and sit in it. Feel it. Try not to be scared of it and assure the inner child (vocally if you like) that you are with them and there's nothing to be scared of. Assuming you are safe, which 9 times out of 10 you will be, assure the inner child they are safe, that you are going to stay in the cockpit for now, that you, as the adult, are going to make the decisions for now. Remember that the inner child doesn't trust you to fly the plane without crashing. Remind the inner child that there are no child pilots. Pilots are grown ups. Approach with a factual, incontrovertible assurance that comes from the kind of logic a child will understand. Talk to your inner child as you might to a real child. Be gentle but firm. Use humour. Give them lots of reassurance and be consistent.

This is enough for now. Practice these techniques and find what works for you. Things cannot be fixed overnight so be mindful of your limitations. You can recover. You can regain control of your life but it will take time. I'll post more in the coming days focusing on information and active ways to use that information. Do the above for at least one month before you expect results. Write everything down. Use a scoring system to measure progress, whatever works for you.

I will leave you with this link. Try it out and see if it works. Try to do it once a day, in the morning when you wake up or last thing at night. Work it into your routine for at least 21 days.

Remember to be gentle with yourself if you fail. You'll get there. Patience is yours to claim.

 

[NoFancyNames]

I wanted to start a thread about complex post traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD) which is also referred to as childhood post traumatic stress disorder.

Feel free to discuss, vent and reflect but please no judgement or condemnation. I will come back to this thread regularly to give advice and information about the different aspects of CPTSD which may help you to be informed. If anyone has resources they'd like to share please post them, provided they are either positive or informative

What is CPTSD?

Probably the root cause of the majority of mental health struggles beyond those associated with physical brain chemistry or brain damage issues (psychosis, schizophrenia, etc). CPTSD manifests in many ways including anxiety, BPD symptoms (and may be the root cause of BPD itself), dissociation, depression, disregulated emotions, self esteem issues, narcissism, shyness, suicidal ideation, insomnia, panic attacks and desperation.

CPTSD is caused by trauma typically inflicted during childhood and usually as a result of growing up in dysfunctional families. Trauma is a spectrum but the effects are usually profound in majority of cases. Someone who was neglected or grew up with inadequate parents who were either not present or inconsistent in their parenting can have as severe a case of CPTSD as someone who was sexually abused. The sensitivity of a person, the length of the trauma and the coping tools they adopted as a child will all contribute to severity beyond the nature of the trauma. Typically the trauma lasted years throughout the developing stage of childhood.

Do you suffer from CPTSD?

If you answer yes to at least 5 of these symptoms it is highly likely you do. Probably the vast majority of SaSu members do by virtue of being on this site in one capacity or another. Focus on the symptoms, not on dissecting your past.

- disregulated emotions, trouble maintaining emotional consistency.

- mood swings and reactive behaviour.

- regular or periodic suicidal ideation.

- low self esteem and lack of self worth.

- narcissistic traits (selfishness, manipulation of others, lack of empathy, a tendency to lie)

- your life seems to be a series of crisis after crisis.

- addiction (alcohol, drugs, sex, work, gambling etc).

- depression which seems chronic or recurrent.

- high and regular anxiety.

- poor memory.

- a desire to be rescued.

- heavy reliance or dependence on others.

- trouble maintaining healthy intimate relationships.

- social anxiety, shyness or fear of the spotlight.

- tendency to self sabotage when successful or life appears to be on the up.

- cynicism, bitterness, consistently negative outlook.

I will post more but for now don't want to overwhelm anyone reading this. If you identified with most or even all of the above, take a moment to breathe and sit in any emotional feelings that come up. You are safe right now and nobody is judging you so please try to be kind to yourself. Treat yourself right now as you might treat the person you love most in the world and check back in later. I will be giving more information and advice on how to start introducing methods and practices which will help you approach recovery

I haven't read the other post yet, but thank you for this. Thank you. I can't speak for others, but I definitely find this useful and I appreciate you take your time to create this thread.

 

[theshund]

Let's talk about why people from complex trauma struggle in adult life.

Children are not born with a developed cerebral cortex. They live out of their limbic brain, a part of the brain that deals with survival.

This is why children are instant gratification monkeys. The limbic brain is also the centre of emotion, so children do what they 'feel' like doing. Given the choice between homework and playing video games, the child thinks 'I don't feel like doing homework' (no instant gratification) but I do 'feel' like playing video games (instant gratification). The parent or adult supervisor of the child must engage cerebral thinking for the child and say 'no no, you must do your homework, even if you don't feel like it, because if you don't you will be in trouble at school tomorrow'.

Children from healthy environments develop into their cerebral cortex as they grow, but people from complex trauma stay in their limbic brain. They live in survival mode and the limbic brain is responsible for survival. Fight, flight or freeze is a limbic response. So adults from complex trauma remain limbic, often for their entire life if they don't enter recovery.

All adults have some cerebral cortex activity so many of us from complex trauma do manage to live in semi-healthy ways some of the time. But in moments of stress or crisis, we revert to limbic thinking and because we remain largely in a limbic survival state most of the time, we tend to live from one crisis to the next alongside states of high limbic emotion.

People from complex trauma:

- procrastinate
- lack the ability to see that actions have consequences
- fail to understand how damaging those consequences will be
- act and behave based on how they feel
- want to experience only positive emotions
- are prone to addiction as they are more likely to consistently use unhealthy ways to appease their desire for fun, enjoyment and good feelings.
- manage their lives badly because they live in the moment and don't plan for the future.
- live from crisis to crisis because they don't plan for future eventualities and don't see that negative behaviour leads to negative consequences.
- do primarily what feels good, not what feels responsible.
- will react from the limbic brain before they think things through (using the cerebral cortex).

In my next comment I will talk about how we can retrain the brain to use the cerebral cortex and not the limbic centre.
So how do we reverse a lifetime of learned unhealthy patterns?

Limbic thinking is really at the heart of the problem. The inner child is essentially a metaphor for that part of us that switches abruptly and without thinking to the limbic brain, usually when triggered by:

- a strong and uncomfortable emotion,
- an assumption
- fear or anxiety (sensing or anticipating danger)
- a negative memory

But the limbic brain also retains patterns, behavioural survival templates we develop as children in order to survive on our own. We might find that in order to keep a dangerous adult regulated we attempt to please them and keep them happy (because when they are not happy they become angry, violent or disconnected). The limbic brain remains dominant in adulthood and retains these patterns so we become people pleasers, say yes when we should say no and lack the ability to use boundaries.

We might retreat into a fantasy world as children then, as adults, remain disconnected from reality and hide in realms of the imagination or lack an ability to understand and cope with reality. Or we might run away as children from our dangerous situation then as adults become restless and nomadic, always running away from uncomfortable situations.

Retraining the brain to focus on the cerebral cortex instead of limbic thinking will help us recognise and stop these behaviours. The less we allow ourselves to live in limbic states (limbic or limbo, never growing or escaping our difficulties) the more we will be able to develop new strategies and abandon the old unhealthy ways.

Shame is another cornerstone of complex trauma and comes from childhood in which the child assumes the neglect, abuse and disregulation of the adult is their fault. They cannot connect with the adult so they must be inadequate, unlovable and unworthy. These are limbic assumptions and as adults we will continue to make such assumptions, misinterpreting the actions and behaviours of our peers because we think from a primarily limbic brain, not a reasoning cerebral brain.

We can reprogramme ourselves - reparenting the child within or reducing the role of the limbic brain.

Begin with this mantra and ask it of yourself every time you act or react. Do so no matter how small the situation:

"Am I doing this because a) it feels good right now, because b) something in the past felt bad, or am I doing this because c) it will lead to positive things in the future?"

If the answer is a or b, the action or reaction is limbic. If the answer is c, the cerebral cortex is engaged.

Sometimes the answer is not applicable to a, b or c. In which case there are other complexities at play. We will explore those later in this thread. Most situations, however, will be applicable.

If the answer is a or b, actively and consciously try to replace your action or reaction with a c. This will be very hard at first. Be wary of self justifying why a or b is better in any given instance. If you struggle, that's ok. These things take time, patience and engaged thinking which can all be very exhausting.

Keep a notepad and jot down every time you self analyze either a, b or c. Don't worry about recording the details, just write a, b or c. At the end of the day count up each letter. When the number of c's outnumber a's and b's you are making positive progress.

This won't happen straight away and that's ok. Become curious rather than self critical. Be positive rather than negative. You will succeed, you can succeed. Everything you need to succeed you already have within you.

I will provide more techniques for reparenting the brain later. For now, give this a try and do your best to commit. We can only do our best. Responsibility is knowing then doing

 

[milkteacrown]

I have C-PTSD and relate heavily to the description of operating in this world as an adult and a child in one body. I'm rarely upset or emotional, but when I am, I fully regress into a child—down to the way I think and how I mentally refer to the people in my life (for example, "Mom" and "Dad" are replaced with "Mommy" and "Daddy" in my thoughts). It becomes a game where I have to figure out what kind of life I lead as an adult and pretend to be that composed, unreactive self. I was a very sensitive child and become sensitive again when I'm in this regressed state of being. I'm almost dissociated; my memories change and I avoid people I met as an adult, and I react to my reflection with panic because my emotional age doesn't match my physical age.

I also relate to the idea of wanting to be rescued. I want it much more than I want to die: to be saved somehow. To have someone who thinks of me and goes soft, because it's me. And in my ideal world I would feel the same instead of feeling hollow.

 

[theshund]

I have C-PTSD and relate heavily to the description of operating in this world as an adult and a child in one body. I'm rarely upset or emotional, but when I am, I fully regress into a child—down to the way I think and how I mentally refer to the people in my life (for example, "Mom" and "Dad" are replaced with "Mommy" and "Daddy" in my thoughts). It becomes a game where I have to figure out what kind of life I lead as an adult and pretend to be that composed, unreactive self. I was a very sensitive child and become sensitive again when I'm in this regressed state of being. I'm almost dissociated; my memories change and I avoid people I met as an adult, and I react to my reflection with panic because my emotional age doesn't match my physical age.

I also relate to the idea of wanting to be rescued. I want it much more than I want to die: to be saved somehow. To have someone who thinks of me and goes soft, because it's me. And in my ideal world I would feel the same instead of feeling hollow.

Thankyou for sharing your feelings and opening up. It's worth talking about some of the things you said as I think they are pertinent to one of the most important parts of complex trauma, which is attachment.

The desire to attach, as in connect with others, is one of the most powerful human drives and as children we need to attach. We are small, vulnerable and innocent so we look to our parents for that attachment. In essence, and to tie in with your own words, as children we look to our parents to rescue us from the confusion and danger of the world around us.

In healthy families this attachment happens naturally. We have parents who nurture, encourage and connect with us at every developmental stage. Such parents are:

- content with and attached to themselves in a healthy way.
- aware of the needs of the child which may not always align with what the child wants in the moment.
- able to give their full and genuinely loving attention at every stage in the child's life, from infant to teenager.
- authentic in themselves and comfortable with their own values. They parent from their cerebral cortex, not their limbic brain, and they put the child first because they know this will lead to a healthy, productive future for the child.
- consistent.

Children from complex trauma do not experience this. Parents of children from complex trauma are:

- disconnected from their sense of self, lacking self worth and inward looking, selfish and/or distant.
- unaware of the child's needs because their own needs come first. They may give the child what it wants, not what it needs, in order to appease the child and avoid tantrums.
- distracted by their own baggage so they don't give the child their full or, sometimes even any attention. They are easily irritated by the child or cannot relate and so cannot engage.
- uncomfortable with themselves and disregulated so that their emotions are unpredictable and feel unsafe to the child.
- operating primarily from their limbic brain (see my comment above where I explain the difference between limbic and cerebral behaviour). They parent in the moment based on what feels good or easy, not what will benefit the child in the long term.
- inconsistent.

The child cannot rely upon and does not form a strong attachment with the parent. They grow up heating about the values of love, respect and nurture but have no direct experience of it and they carry this through into adulthood. As a result, people from complex trauma struggle to form healthy relationships, understand the true meaning of love or seek attachments with individuals who mirror the unhealthy attributes of their parents. For this reason, people from complex trauma often are drawn to others from complex trauma which leads to inauthentic relationships, dysfunction and codependency. One partner is usually the victim who longs to be saved while the other is a narcissist who recognizes vulnerability and exploits it. Both are victims of CPTSD though they manifest in different ways.

Codependency emerges over a long period of time so it may be years or even decades before such couples become enmeshed. In the early stages there is typically infatuation and midway there may be children. This is the cycle and how complex trauma perpetuates through generations.

We will call each partner the rescuer and the rescued. Narcissism comes with many negatives connotations but it's important to remember that narcissists are also victims of complex trauma. They have merely developed different tools in childhood to cope. Instead of people pleasing in order to survive, they learned to lie and focus only on their own needs. Where the rescued became hyper sensitive to the moods of unsafe adults, the rescuer became numb to them. Both are survival techniques born of insecurity and perpetuated by shame, low self esteem and pain.

Early warning signs of codependent relationships:

- the rescuer lacks authentic empathy and will do and say anything to win the trust and adoration of their partner. They will lie without thought to present themselves as ideal.
- the rescued will put the rescuer on a pedestal.
- the rescuer may drop their mask from time to time early on, becoming moody, angry or unreasonable but will always have contrived excuses ready to explain their behaviour and will counter such moments by doubling down on their role as the rescuer.
- the rescuer will equate love with sex and may be unable to differentiate the two things.
- both parties will rush into the relationship, professing love early on or moving in together or getting married impulsively.
- the rescued will base most of the decisions they make in the relationship on whether the outcome will put the relationship at risk. Fear of abandonment will predominate and determine their choices.
- the rescuer will take ever increasing degrees of liberty within the relationship. Their respect for the rescued will wane over time resulting in abuse and infidelity.
- the rescued will become emotionally reliant on the rescuer for a sense of self worth.
- the rescuer will typically be impulsive and hedonistic, relying on the rescued for necessities such as money, a roof over their head etc. but they will expect these things in an entitled, not a grateful way.

Such relationships are not only doomed to fail in almost every instance but will only further traumatise both partners and inflict trauma on their children.

It can be almost impossible not to fall into these types of relationship when we come from trauma because healthy partners fail to provide either the rescuer or rescued type with the things they need and expect from a relationship. A healthy person will not be willing to rescue as this requires an intrinsic sense of narcissistic self importance (though not self worth because someone who has self worth will recognise the unhealthy needs of someone who does not and will not attach to them). Similarly, a healthy person will respond appropriately to the grandiose posturing and unhealthy behaviours of a rescuer and will avoid them, once again recognising them as lacking in empathy, self respect and authenticity.

It is worth pausing here again to say that the rescuer or narcissist may appear to be self-aggrandizing, confident and impressive but this does not mean they have self worth. The opposite is true. Narcissism is a form of over compensation, presenting as perfect and perfectly in control in order to hide a deep sense of shame. Healthy people do not need to do this any more than a highly intelligent person needs to constantly tell everyone they are highly intelligent. It is self evident.

We can only avoid this type of situation by developing our own sense of self worth, by releasing the shame that sits within us (that hollow, gnarly feeling of constant discomfort within our own skin). When we release shame we open the door to self worth. Not self worth given to us by the admiration and adoration of someone else, but intrinsic self worth. We must recognize that we have value, that we deserve to be part of this world and that we love, accept and respect all of who we are without condition. In other words, we love ourselves. In loving ourselves we become capable of understanding love, loving our partner and loving our children healthily.

In short, we must attach to ourselves. If we can do this we can attach to someone who is also attached to themselves and will, perhaps for the first time, experience true profound love. This will seem very alien to us because it will unfold like this:

- slowly and naturally
- with lots of mutual respect
- with retained independence (both partners will remain individuals and keep their sense of self)
- with no fear of abandonment or betrayal. There will be no jealousy, disregulation or constant fighting because trust will form a cornerstone. When we love ourselves we trust ourselves and those around us because we trust our own ability to recognize authenticity.
- with sex as a manifestation of mutual pleasure, affection and intimacy rather than a struggle for control/dominance or a release after confrontation.

In my next comment I will suggest some ways we can work on shame, releasing it from our lives in order to attach to ourselves.

 

[manicstreetbeeper]

i've been working on recovering from/getting through this. thanks for this thread.

 

[Hecubaa]

I have every single one of these symptoms. I wish I was exaggerating but I doubt that is the case. I grew up with a mother with severe OCD. While she loved (and still does) in her own way, her expectations of me and inability to accept me as a person outside of who she wanted me to be has had a deep mark on me. I have had trust issues since I can remember. She makes everything about herself even when it has nothing to do with her (e.g. my tattoos and style, my depression) and apparently I do the same thing. I haven't seen healthy love or affection growing up and it certainly shows in my own relationships as an adult.

 

[theshund]

i've been working on recovering from/getting through this. thanks for this thread.

I'm so glad to hear you are working on your complex trauma. You've shown incredible courage by recognizing that your issues are a problem and even greater courage and strength by taking steps to try to recover. You are on the right path now, even if you deviate or slip, you know where the path is and that knowledge can never be taken away from you. Remember that you have innate value as a person living in this world and that you are ok. In this moment, as you read this, you are ok. Hugs and encouragement

I have every single one of these symptoms. I wish I was exaggerating but I doubt that is the case. I grew up with a mother with severe OCD. While she loved (and still does) in her own way, her expectations of me and inability to accept me as a person outside of who she wanted me to be has had a deep mark on me. I have had trust issues since I can remember. She makes everything about herself even when it has nothing to do with her (e.g. my tattoos and style, my depression) and apparently I do the same thing. I haven't seen healthy love or affection growing up and it certainly shows in my own relationships as an adult.

I'm sorry to hear about your mother. My comment on attachment may be useful to you.

As a child you had a natural longing to attach with and connect on a profound emotional level with your mother but could not and that was traumatic. I want to acknowledge that you recognise your mother's own problems with OCD which shows compassion and awareness. OCD is also a common symptom of complex trauma. As traumatised children, lacking adult connection, guidance and safety, we develop our own childish tools to survive and in your mother's case I think she developed a strong desire to control what she could control. As this was likely very little, she exerted control over her surroundings, applying supernatural belief systems such as 'if I lock the door five times that will ensure bad things don't happen today'. This is very common but also very disregulating and inconsistent for a child in the sufferer's care. People from complex trauma who manifest control symptoms such as OCD also tend to exert control over those in their care who are otherwise powerless and this creates a cyclic perpetuation of the same trauma.

It is important to acknowledge that you know the reasons why your life is difficult and why you seem to be facing so many challenges. Knowing and naming the demon allows us to tackle him and enter recovery in an informed and powerful way.

You are here now and that is a step in and of itself. You have already shown great bravery and integrity by opening up. I would encourage you to read through this thread and visit back regularly as this is a safe place where you will find help and hopefully some methods you can apply as you embark on your recovery.

I wish you peace and hope you can find a way to connect with yourself in a loving, respectful and accepting way.