Venting Cowboypants random thoughts and venting thread

[cowboypants]

Went out after a week been a long time since I went out in the morning..many guys around my age are now really in relationships or married...feel sad how alone I am...anyways I don't have a ball in this game

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I hate the rat race I never wanted to be part of it. I am a perfectionist but I never liked competing with other people. It's like a man eat man world with little accommodation for other people

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Not sure how to make replies seperate instead of one massive comment. If anyone knows please tell me

 

[sserafim]

I hate the rat race too and never wanted to be part of it either. It *is* a man eat man world. Life is just one big competition

 

[cowboypants]

Really bored af. I wanted to ctb next week I feel like I want to do and not do

I hate the isolation but people my peers I never felt included. Atleast I don't feel bad about that when I'm in my room. But yeah I hate being alone

I don't have the solution to my suffering. But it's sorta peaceful that I have the ability to end it.

I for sure would miss not having lived a good life but all my life I have been very miserable. It makes sense to have ended it 5-7 years back. But what am I still depressed doesn't matter.
Gggggfc

 

[Onelegman]

We all hate the rat race, it's a nonsense where everyone loses. It is also difficult for me to fit in places, a lot of effort, however there are 1 or 2 environments where I have gotten a little fresh air, but my mind keeps thinking at some moments that it wants to leave there to the solitude of my room. The pain of being alone is not constant, I suppose because I have conversations with my parents and people on the forum and some online friends from another country.

I have 2 weeks of suffering left and then I will escape, there better not be an entity that will make me reincarnate in this world. If he lets me choose where to reincarnate, let it be in an isekai anime or something like that hahaha

 

[cowboypants]

there better not be an entity that will make me reincarnate in this world

Lol true, I hope the suffering is just temporary.

Unless I compare myself with others, I don't feel bad, but I have fallen below my peers now in terms of career, relationships. It was grades before. I guess that's my character arc

 

[Onelegman]

You can have a lower degree than your classmates and still be a better person or stand out in other aspects, you cook well, you are better at tidying up the house or taking care of animals... you are the one who chooses to give importance to those things. I remember a meme of 2 people, one using the computer and the other watching. The one watching is the boss, who earns three times as much, the one using the computer is his employee, who earns just enough but knows how to create a PDF file from Word.

We are experts in mentally boycotting ourselves, but we also have to learn to see other aspects, not just money or rank.

 

[cowboypants]

You can have a lower degree than your classmates and still be a better person or stand out in other aspects, you cook well, you are better at tidying up the house or taking care of animals... you are the one who chooses to give importance to those things. I remember a meme of 2 people, one using the computer and the other watching. The one watching is the boss, who earns three times as much, the one using the computer is his employee, who earns just enough but knows how to create a PDF file from Word.

We are experts in mentally boycotting ourselves, but we also have to learn to see other aspects, not just money or rank.

I agree but society has this expectation on you, my Indian society is notorious for it. I prolly had ingrained some of it still

I don't know what I want even in my life. I had only one goal when I was young and going through stuff at home and school "to survive" and that was my only thing and thought it might get better with time.

 

[Onelegman]

You still have time. India must be very tough...

 

[cowboypants]

Wanted to eat outside but my eating schedule is on a weird timeline and I'm not hungry rn. But the restaurants will close for the night. Not like i can't make anything. I had planned to buy something tonight. Anyway I had pizza, cake and another pf my favorite dish. Feel it would be too much for one day. I hope I can catch sleep early like yesterday but don't feel any sleep at all hopefully hunger doesn't come

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Sometimes I think how my life would be if I had been successful but ain't no nobody coming to save my ass as my then therapist said. And idk what to make out of it

 

[cowboypants]

I'm really hungry and sleepy ugh

 

[Sylveon]

I agree but society has this expectation on you, my Indian society is notorious for it. I prolly had ingrained some of it still

I don't know what I want even in my life. I had only one goal when I was young and going through stuff at home and school "to survive" and that was my only thing and thought it might get better with time.

Feel ya, I'm "just" 19, and living here has already completely broken me; I absolutely cannot imagine going through 50 more years of this.

Hope things get a bit easier while we're here still. :')

 

[cowboypants]

Universe feels weird like even our galaxy has outer layers like the area where suns gravity grows weaker.. Everything feels very symmetrical or as the base mechanics seem to repeat

 

[cowboypants]

I wonder what's the deal with me developing anxiety...it has really ruined my life why did I have it when I was so young

 

[cowboypants]

I hate the BPD like triggers man. I feel really insignificant

I think just going outside the home gives me motivation to put an end to my miserable existence. I will go ahead with my plan and god I don't have to deal with this over and over like death by a thousand cuts

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five more days for my planned date. I feel like i want to go away tomorrow itself. I feel no point in going on and on. I hate this place(not here) I cant even look at my neighbours without anxiety running through my body. When they ignore I lose my shit. wtf T_T

 

[cowboypants]

Had a dream today "i had taken the SN". But I didn't die even after an hour. My fingers are turning blue and i feel like passing out. I call parents and go to a doc. I tell the doc what I did by writing on a paper. I feel scared man.

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Too scared to live too scared to die is the predicament I'm in

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I think anykind of social interaction is setting of my triggers which is lotta pain to deal with it suxxx

 

[cowboypants]

Went out to some restaurant. And the guy was on the phone not even acknowledging me. Like wow. I just walked after asking twice.

And then I come home and these two kids hold up the lift for their mothers for like a minute. They don't apologise. Man i am so done with this shit.

 

[cowboypants]

It kinda hurts when people say you can't be helped if you can't help yourself but when one repeatedly faces trying things without any support or motivation. Ones spirit is broken over time and it becomes too late or hard to come out of it