Courage

[Seagirl]

Where do our forum pals find the courage to ctb?

I plan it & I even send myself to sleep doing that thinking how good it would feel. I cuddle up with my soft toys at 48yrs old.

I'm always too weak & scared of pain or regret just like I am in real life.

Where is the strength? How do I find it?

 

[justanotherday]

I am wondering the same thing. I want to summon the courage, but I am just too afraid.

 

[trynacbt]

I think having a plan that requires a lot of steps and waiting time in between has been helpful for me. Especially in that there are different factors that could go wrong but are still to some extent in my control. Seeing these factors line up and start to go right gives me a thrill, kind of. I know that's strange but I think having these incremental successes will give me the courage to see it through to the end.

 

[gingerplum]

For me, it's crossing a threshold of pain, sadness, and frustration where I simply no longer care about or fear pain, death, and the unknown.

When you finally reach the point when only death is preferable to the wretched hand that life has dealt you, you want death so much you'd not only accept pain as a means to an end, you'd embrace it.

 

[Sweet emotion]

I have Complex Regional Pain Syndrome which is the highest ranking pain condition in medical history. I've had it for 14 years. It's just about how much pain I can take. I don't leave the house because I'm unable to due to noise but when the pain gets that bad then I know I'll do it. My friend who has CRPS killed herself three years ago. She just couldn't take the pain anymore. I said man she had balls. Because I'm scared to do it as well. I think everyone is. That's why there should be dying with dignity so we don't have to be afraid of being in pain or of attempt not working. But I have everything ready. The only part that I hate is that I can't do it on the spur of the moment. I have to plan the day I am going to kill myself so I can take anti nausea meds and not eat two days ahead if time. That is what is going to be the hardest....counting down those 72 hours until I do it. It's like a death sentence.