Counting down the hours

[circleofdepression]

What's the point?

I wake up and immediately want the day to be over. I am consumed by anxiety which makes me feel as if I am choking on my own tongue. It makes me feel nauseous and shaky. It makes everywhere feel un-safe. Accompanying the anxiety comes the crippling depression. That sense of futility and hopelessness, that I will be forever stuck in this state. I do nothing, I achieve nothing. I have no job, no aspirations in life I truly am a waste of space. I shouldn't have been born. The heavy feelings on sadness and despair are truly overwhelming.

I'm counting down the hours until I can sleep again. I don't have a life. I'm waiting around for death.

I don't know how much longer I can keep holding on, I am only here because of my family. I am at the point now where I am convinced they will be better off without me anyway. In fact I think the whole world would benefit.

I'm at the very edge of what I can deal with and I do not know what to do other than ctb.

is that selfish of me?

 

[Snake of Eden]

I dont know if it is selfish or not because i am faced with the same problem. On one hand I am extremely misrable and feel trapped in a body i loath and with a mind that caused me to have many problems and no solutions. On the other hand I have family that loves me and would be very much devastated by my ctb if I go ahead with such a thing. It is really an awful state of being and I dont wish that for anyone. There is nothing in the middle between ctb or not. Just carrying on for the heck of it

 

[siray]

No, these feelings come naturally as a consequence of years of mental torture at the hands of blind fate. The nausea really is crippling and the sickness will never go away.

One would expect at least some peace after such a long struggle with suicidal thoughts, but no, we get only more mental torture and nausea at the thought of suicide, having to take such an abnormal step to end this meaningless suffering. Nothing but painful dread and inner desolation until one successfully achieves death. My life is a curse, I want to scream because I'm horrified at my current state, but there's no one who will understand.

 

[FuneralCry]

Of course ctb is not selfish in any way. We never asked to exist and suffer in the first place so we have no obligations to stay alive. Instead, what is selfish is the other people that expect us to stay alive and suffer for decades against our wishes. I see a right to die as important. Living really is painful, I understand it is hard to carry on when you are in a hopeless situation. My existence is one big mistake and all I do is long for eternal sleep. I could never stay alive just for the sake of other people. Whatever happens, I hope you find peace in some way.

 

[juraviel]

d r u g s

 

[whywere]

Hi! 1st off, You are NOT a waste of space. You are a kind and loving soul, read your post on how you worded it and the context of mind also in the writing and wording of your post.

2nd, Selfish?...NO, you are a very giving type of person, one who want folks around you happy, in fact you are quite the opposite of being selfish and you are a very thoughtful person who wants others happy.

3th,You have me and all the folks here as a large family. I wish you lots of love, kindness and a day filled with relaxing music , your favorite beverage, and a pleasant walk in the sunshine to hopefully brighten your mood.

All my best to you always,

Walter