NoOneLovesMiMi
Just Me
- May 27, 2023
- 114
This may be long
And grammatically incorrect
Most of my posts are
Well yesterday it all came crashing down. So much going through my head that I'm really surprised I did go postal.
It began Saturday evening..November 4th.
We were understaffed at work.
My perception of me at my job is I'm a great worker. You can't tell me I'm not.
So I did what I do.
I prepared to take the lead.
It was a long busy day. By the end I was exhausted and physically in pain.
But I had PTO coming...so I just needed to make it through a few days and I could try to get myself together.
I always feel I'm constantly getting myself together.
As my work day ended I felt a tingling under my left eye. I grabbed a mirror and saw what looked like a style. Oh great..another thing to worry about. But I figured I'll go home...take a shower...use a compress and hope it doesn't get too bad...I only have a few days till PTO.
I get home and begin some chores. I was taking out the trash and felt this burning sensation on the back of my legs. I go inside to check in the mirror and I see something I've seen before. Hives.
Years ago I had a hives break out so immediately I knew I was in trouble.
I decided to eat...shower and rest.
But over time it got worse. So in the early morning I went and picked up a antihistamine. By this time the hives spread to random areas..my eyes were now having light swelling but my lips were ok. So I figured if I take the antihistamine and ask approval to leave work early I'll go to urgent care.
By 2pm my lips began to swell. I knew after that it was over.
At my job is a point system.
I'll Break that down and how it plays into this but I have high points and was close to getting them lower. So leaving early without approval would add to where I was.
But of course supervisors and management like to play games and so at 2 instead of going to break I told them I'm leaving and I won't be back tomorrow. I called my union to explain what's going on and to see if it's even worth trying to get my job back because I knew technically I walked off the job.
Once I got in the car I began to scream and cry.
In that moment I realized so much.
I realized I won't be able to work the next week not just because of that day but I know the hives will take days to subside if at all. They were painful and I was exhausted from no sleep.
I realized I just lost a job I hate...but need.
My rent won't be paid for December
My car Note my not get paid for November
I have nothing now
I then thought is this how I'm going to go out.
This is not how I planned it.
But looks like I have no choice.
So after calling a suicide hotline and speaking to a kind lady just to vent.
I decided I'll go to urgent care
My union informed me that she made calls to get FMLA for me and start the process with my job.
But in my mind even though I'm attempting to do these things.
I really don't want too.
I want to die
I'm depleated
But I dare not say that outloud.
When I got home from urgent care I ate and went to sleep.
That was nice because I needed to sleep. But once the meds wore off my brain is racing.
So the rest of the night I was off and on with sleep.
Crying more then I have in the past few years. Trying to think of my plan.
I began to think...I hate how it's happening but what am I crying for.
Then it hit me...I'm just tired and angry about everything. How it all played out but it didn't have too If the US were more like other places when it comes to mental health.
Angry how these jobs and people really make stress like it's normal.
Angry that I have a shitty family.
Angry that I couldn't figure it out.
Now I have no choice but to attempt a suicide that may not work.
And when I say I have no choice I mean my first option will be painful.
My second option I may not have the money or privacy.
But I have no choice but to try them because Switzerland wouldn't help me like I planned months ago.
Now this morning as all goes through my mind every little thing is making me cry and I'm trying to pull it together. I had to ask my mom to bring me benadryl because my lip has rejected the meds from my urgent care visit or what I ate last night before bed my counteracts it and has swollen huge.
I don't want to leave the house so when she comes I can't give her any signs of my plans. But the anger and anxiety of the unknown is so overwhelming I keep crying.
Well that's it for now
I guess I'll give more details in part 2
I decided it doesn't matter if I matter to anything or anyone.
I'm gonna get my story out
And document it up till the day
And grammatically incorrect
Most of my posts are
Well yesterday it all came crashing down. So much going through my head that I'm really surprised I did go postal.
It began Saturday evening..November 4th.
We were understaffed at work.
My perception of me at my job is I'm a great worker. You can't tell me I'm not.
So I did what I do.
I prepared to take the lead.
It was a long busy day. By the end I was exhausted and physically in pain.
But I had PTO coming...so I just needed to make it through a few days and I could try to get myself together.
I always feel I'm constantly getting myself together.
As my work day ended I felt a tingling under my left eye. I grabbed a mirror and saw what looked like a style. Oh great..another thing to worry about. But I figured I'll go home...take a shower...use a compress and hope it doesn't get too bad...I only have a few days till PTO.
I get home and begin some chores. I was taking out the trash and felt this burning sensation on the back of my legs. I go inside to check in the mirror and I see something I've seen before. Hives.
Years ago I had a hives break out so immediately I knew I was in trouble.
I decided to eat...shower and rest.
But over time it got worse. So in the early morning I went and picked up a antihistamine. By this time the hives spread to random areas..my eyes were now having light swelling but my lips were ok. So I figured if I take the antihistamine and ask approval to leave work early I'll go to urgent care.
By 2pm my lips began to swell. I knew after that it was over.
At my job is a point system.
I'll Break that down and how it plays into this but I have high points and was close to getting them lower. So leaving early without approval would add to where I was.
But of course supervisors and management like to play games and so at 2 instead of going to break I told them I'm leaving and I won't be back tomorrow. I called my union to explain what's going on and to see if it's even worth trying to get my job back because I knew technically I walked off the job.
Once I got in the car I began to scream and cry.
In that moment I realized so much.
I realized I won't be able to work the next week not just because of that day but I know the hives will take days to subside if at all. They were painful and I was exhausted from no sleep.
I realized I just lost a job I hate...but need.
My rent won't be paid for December
My car Note my not get paid for November
I have nothing now
I then thought is this how I'm going to go out.
This is not how I planned it.
But looks like I have no choice.
So after calling a suicide hotline and speaking to a kind lady just to vent.
I decided I'll go to urgent care
My union informed me that she made calls to get FMLA for me and start the process with my job.
But in my mind even though I'm attempting to do these things.
I really don't want too.
I want to die
I'm depleated
But I dare not say that outloud.
When I got home from urgent care I ate and went to sleep.
That was nice because I needed to sleep. But once the meds wore off my brain is racing.
So the rest of the night I was off and on with sleep.
Crying more then I have in the past few years. Trying to think of my plan.
I began to think...I hate how it's happening but what am I crying for.
Then it hit me...I'm just tired and angry about everything. How it all played out but it didn't have too If the US were more like other places when it comes to mental health.
Angry how these jobs and people really make stress like it's normal.
Angry that I have a shitty family.
Angry that I couldn't figure it out.
Now I have no choice but to attempt a suicide that may not work.
And when I say I have no choice I mean my first option will be painful.
My second option I may not have the money or privacy.
But I have no choice but to try them because Switzerland wouldn't help me like I planned months ago.
Now this morning as all goes through my mind every little thing is making me cry and I'm trying to pull it together. I had to ask my mom to bring me benadryl because my lip has rejected the meds from my urgent care visit or what I ate last night before bed my counteracts it and has swollen huge.
I don't want to leave the house so when she comes I can't give her any signs of my plans. But the anger and anxiety of the unknown is so overwhelming I keep crying.
Well that's it for now
I guess I'll give more details in part 2
I decided it doesn't matter if I matter to anything or anyone.
I'm gonna get my story out
And document it up till the day
