Count down to the end but emotionally torn

[Cherry xoxo]

I just wanted to share my thoughts today, these past couple of months have been really difficult for me, I've been though a bad break up, academicly I have results I have been waiting for to complete my diploma in chemical engineering which seems like it's never going to happen, work has been crazy and I just hate the environment.

I came to the decision to ctb and it's been really emotional for me, i feel that I have nothing left to live for and I cannot live through my current situation.

I planned to ctb when I go on leave from work which is the 22nd of December just incase things go wrong I will be at home and can recover from home. I've chosen SN as my method.

Last night I had a really bad dream that I took the SN and things didn't go well, I woke up in shock and I've been overthinking it since then and I now feel so terrified yet helpless at the same time.

I went out with one of my very close friends today and I've told her about how I've been feeling.. Like I'm ready to give up etc (but I never said I was suicidal or thinking of suicide) . and I wanted to see her today to sort of say goodbye and thank her for being the wonderful friend she's been.
Instead she told me that after I told her how I felt she cried because she couldn't loose me and she was so scared that she told her mum, I was shocked obviously, we spoke about things and offcourse she just kept encouraging me and telling me she sees so much for me etc.. We both had a really emotional talk and cried. I've known her for about 7 years now and it's the first time she's ever seen me cry or be this broken.
Her mum called and spoke to me as well and it touched my heart so much.

I now feel so guilty if I ctb on Wednesday I don't want her to blame herself and now her mum also knows, I was already feeling scared but now this, I'm already an emotional wreck and I'm not sure what to do

 

[cambrai33]

This is a really tough one because you have now added how your friend and her mum will feel into the equation.

I guess the original reasons to ctb are still there and that your friend doesn't make those reasons go away so you are left with a choice of living for someone else and not yourself

It shows you have compassion but ultimately you have to be true to yourself despite how it affects others

Just out of interest what made you tell the friend how you were feeling?

 

[Cherry xoxo]

This is a really tough one because you have now added how your friend and her mum will feel into the equation.

I guess the original reasons to ctb are still there and that your friend doesn't make those reasons go away so you are left with a choice of living for someone else and not yourself

It shows you have compassion but ultimately you have to be true to yourself despite how it affects others

Just out of interest what made you tell the friend how you were feeling?

As I mentioned I went through A bad break up and when it initially happened I couldn't control my emotions at all, like I would start crying at work (this is very out of character for me as I never use to cry or if I did it would be alone in my room) and I obviously didn't want anyone at work to notice so I would run to bathroom or somewhere quite and call her and just get her advice because I didn't know how to handle those emotions.

I know that regardless I need to do what's best for me but I wish I hadn't seen her today because seeing her cry because of what I'm going through was honestly very difficult, she even told me that she would take me to a pschyciatrist and if I was afraid she'd come with me.

 

[cambrai33]

As I mentioned I went through A bad break up and when it initially happened I couldn't control my emotions at all, like I would start crying at work (this is very out of character for me as I never use to cry or if I did it would be alone in my room) and I obviously didn't want anyone at work to notice so I would run to bathroom or somewhere quite and call her and just get her advice because I didn't know how to handle those emotions.

I know that regardless I need to do what's best for me but I wish I hadn't seen her today because seeing her cry because of what I'm going through was honestly very difficult, she even told me that she would take me to a pschyciatrist and if I was afraid she'd come with me.

I completely get that horror of trying to keep emotions in at work and you can feel them building up but can't stop them so you just have to get away from everyone and let it all out.

So I have planned ctb and all is in place less some admin bits but at the same time I am trying to get help so I see a counsellor once a week and another service (volunteers) but you can talk about anything even ctb plans and they don't report ever, it's a bit like here but in person with someone who listens.

I say the option to ctb is always there but you might as well give it a go even if when Si is kicking in you can tell it you tried and did your best but things didn't work.

Be strong and you have a good friend there but ultimately it's your choice

 

[Onkyo74893]

You're lucky to have a good friend. There are many of us who don't, myself included. Isolation exacerbates depression.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds like you are in a stressful situation. I can imagine it must be difficult seeing your friend react like that. I understand it is hard to carry on when you are suffering so much. It is painful when things just get worse. I wish you the best whatever happens.

 

[VoidDesirer22]

I don't mean to be rude, but something about your situation seems like it really is a build up of stress that might ease over the next year.

Is it possible to give yourself another year to see if things improve? I don't usually suggest this, but in this case I just feel it would be best. Of course I don't know the full gravity of the sitution, so feel free to ignore me.

Personally after a breakup I made sure I waited some years until I accepted it, as I didn't want that to be a huge factor in my ctb decision. (although it will be no matter how much time passes). I just don't like to see when the grief of a recent life change is the driving factor of a ctb decision. It kind of makes it into a self-fulfilling prophecy, when really the situation might have passed.

 

[Cherry xoxo]

I don't mean to be rude, but something about your situation seems like it really is a build up of stress that might ease over the next year.

Is it possible to give yourself another year to see if things improve? I don't usually suggest this, but in this case I just feel it would be best. Of course I don't know the full gravity of the sitution, so feel free to ignore me.

Personally after a breakup I made sure I waited some years until I accepted it, as I didn't want that to be a huge factor in my ctb decision. (although it will be no matter how much time passes). I just don't like to see when the grief of a recent life change is the driving factor of a ctb decision. It kind of makes it into a self-fulfilling prophecy, when really the situation might have passed.

In many ways it is but I've been stressed out and in similar situations before, it's just that this time everything sort of hit at once and usually I'd get back up and keep fighting but this time I've given up completely, something inside me changed.

When I was younger, around 16 I was suicidal and after I got through that no matter how bad things got I could never ever bring myself to the thought of killing myself.

I know my situation may not be as bad as others but the pain and anguish I feel is so real and nothing I've ever experienced before, sometimes I think maybe there's something wrong with me because I'm so weak and everybody else just gets through life no matter what's thrown at them. I've come to the point where nothing motivates me to want to get back up and keep trying ( no matter how bad it got I always kept trying regardless of how bad the situation was) but now I'm no longer that person... It's like my soul is tired.

Waking up every morning and knowing I'm still here and I have to endure another day is like torture, I use to thank God for each day I woke up and now all I do is ask that he takes me.

My decision is not based on break up although it is a contributing factor, there are other things as well.

I never thought I would come to this point in my life, I feel devestated but I don't feel like I can live through any of this.

 

[VoidDesirer22]

In many ways it is but I've been stressed out and in similar situations before, it's just that this time everything sort of hit at once and usually I'd get back up and keep fighting but this time I've given up completely, something inside me changed.

When I was younger, around 16 I was suicidal and after I got through that no matter how bad things got I could never ever bring myself to the thought of killing myself.

I know my situation may not be as bad as others but the pain and anguish I feel is so real and nothing I've ever experienced before, sometimes I think maybe there's something wrong with me because I'm so weak and everybody else just gets through life no matter what's thrown at them. I've come to the point where nothing motivates me to want to get back up and keep trying ( no matter how bad it got I always kept trying regardless of how bad the situation was) but now I'm no longer that person... It's like my soul is tired.

Waking up every morning and knowing I'm still here and I have to endure another day is like torture, I use to thank God for each day I woke up and now all I do is ask that he takes me.

My decision is not based on break up although it is a contributing factor, there are other things as well.

I never thought I would come to this point in my life, I feel devestated but I don't feel like I can live through any of this.

Alright. Sorry I made you justify yourself. Your anguish is valid, I was just seeing a bit of myself in you from a few years back.

I am still going to ctb, but I'm glad I waited is all.

Also I think the fact you mentioned the close friend is what made me write my message in the end. I do not feel close to anyone, so that's something special. However, just as other commenters have noted, you cannot live for someone else forever.

I relate wholeheartedly to the feeling of being weaker than others innately. Even if other people experience stress and grief, it is not as crippling for them.

 

[subj]

Someone loves you and it sounds like you really care about her. Perhaps embracing the good feeling of being loved and putting off your decision would permit you to explore ways out of the other issues that bring you down.
wile it is your choice sometime it helps to really talk the issues out and see all possible ways to find meaning and happiness for a time would resolve some of your ambivalence. I dont wnt to tell you what to do but you are young and CTB is final while taking time to explore offers other solutions tht you might like.

 

[supermario]

I don't want to sound like I'm convincing you one way or the other, but I think the critical question to ask yourself before you ctb is this - is there a chance things can fundamentally improve down the road (even if it's just 1% chance)? If so, perhaps you owe it to yourself to postpone and see if there may in fact be light at the end of the tunnel.

 

[Cherry xoxo]

I thought things through and didn't attempt anything but I feel so broken right now, I've been crying for the past 2 hours and I just feel like I'm completely drowning.
I wish I had taken the SN because maybe I wouldn't be here right typing this as the thoughts flood my mind about how I'm going to get through tonight and tomorrow without completely breaking down.

I feel so helpless right now...

 

[PDAnnie2610]

The pain can ease. Choosing to ctb is a forever decision and it's ok to think it through. Do what you think is best for you.