Could you imagine to be a friend (not more) of your (former) crush?

[noname223]

I had two crushes in my self-help group. The first one was a Phd candidate in a STEM subject. The other one was a psychology student who laughed in an amazing way about every single joke I dropped. I think I have close to zero chance with any of them. Both know of my love delusions. That often I think when I meet a woman she would love me. And when I realize it was a delusion it feels extremely humiliating and led to ordering SN in April.

I had a pretty good conversation with my second crush some weeks ago. I made her laugh a couple of times. But she is very obviously trying to signal me not to think she would like me. She is very friendly. I am not sure why I am a red flag for her. She told the group her last boyfriend was very dependent on her. And she wants to avoid that in the future. Maybe I am a red flag for being such a mental wreck and my suicidality. I think she pities me. Maybe this not a good pre-condition for a partnership. I won't ask her out or anything (she has no bf and lacks social contacts). But it is obvious she is not interested in me. However, trying to warn me not to try it just increases my sympathy for her. I think asking her out would make me pretty suicidal if it failed which is very very likely. I won't do it.
She wasn't there the last time. In two months she will leave the group and might move to another city.

The last two times the PhD candidate tried to start a conversation with me. She is in a longterm relationship (since 8 years) as I found out later. She told me that the points I make in this group are very interesting and thoughtful. I think she considers me extremely intelligent. I am pretty sure that is false and I am more of an imposter. Tbh I am quite convinced she is way smarter than me. I am just very eloquent and I have this obsession about education and intelligence. I feel like chatGPT I sound very very intelligent but most of it barely has a solid foundation. I have the feeling she wants to be friends with me. And I really cannot imagine that. Talking with her increases my love paranoia. However, I am quite sure her relationship is working well and she is even living with her partner in the same apartment. She thanked me for an advice I gave her and it was very awkward to me. The way she approached me. I am not sure how to handle that. She is now on vacation but we will meet us quite often afterwards. It is pretty cool of her not be conceited or anything about the love delusion I had with her. But I really cannot imagine to be friends with her. We talk in our self-help group if needed. Man. I think I would always want more. She is also pretty awesome. Speculating she leaves her bf seems to be irrational and unethical. I have pretty good close friends. Probably tier S friends. I need a gf not more friends. However, if she could match me with someone...

Honestly, all this ruminating is so useless. And it would continue and get way worse the more I interact with them. I think I have a wrong notion how falling in love works. I am texting with this woman from a dating app and I thought she was not interested in me while she actually is. And with so many women I thought they were interested in me while they were not. My brain is such a mess.

The whole situation is probably completely different if you were already friends with someone and during that you or your friend developed feelings.

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

If it was just someone I had a passing interest in, then yes, I could imagine transitioning to just being friends, but if it was someone I genuinely developed feelings for, then no way could I ever be friends with them. In general though I prefer friendships with the same sex (just my own preference, not saying anything about anyone else's friendships).

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Tried it with the one I loved 9 years ago but eventually after about a year I had to cut her off because it was getting too painful to be around her and have her complain about her boyfriend to me even though she knew I liked her and she even told me as much that if I had just been a little faster then she would have chosen me instead of him. I know this sounds like if I had waited longer then maybe I could have swooped in but I really can't imagine me doing something like that.

My mother has warned me before that some women like to do this sort of thing where they keep as many male friends as they can to serve as "backup boyfriends" in case it doesn't work out with their current ones. I know some dudes wouldn't mind getting in a queue but I don't really think I could handle that.

With my current crush it seems like she's trying to be my friend but I'm so scared of being in another situation like this previous one that I still haven't even directly talked with her at all about my feelings for her even once. I know she knows so I guess I don't feel like I have to tell her but in the back of my mind I have this lingering feeling that she maybe does want me as a friend just to be a backup boyfriend even though from what I heard she doesn't even have a boyfriend right now. Whatever the case, the thought of being just friends with my current crush still sounds incredibly painful to me. It's basically a hugely traumatic element of my life to have to experience this at all that I sometimes play a 10 hour loop of the 'Just Friends' song when I truly want to feel miserable.