Cornered by parents' expectations

[toseeyousmile]

Been lurking for a while now, to keep it short, originally I wanted to ctb because I flunked out of uni and Asian parents weren't having any of that so I was crushed, I didn't know what to do but then I somehow, with the support of my sister and mom got to convince my toxic dad that college is fine for me. Fast forward to now, I flunked out of college too, in much shorter time too with a much worse performance, procrastinated and had 0 motivation. The thought of school drives me anxious now, seeing average people that are around my age living a half decent lives, making the most of their youths makes me feel bad and makes me think and genuinely believe that the problem is in my head, that I really am not accustomed to the life my parents and society is trying to setup for the average person. Hiding the fact that I've failed my semester in college I feel cornered because surely a third chance is gonna work out well...

Feels like there's no point in really trying or wasting anybody's time and money on me since the problem is clear, that everything I've experienced thus far in my life has lead me to becoming the person that I am now, and with the lashing I'd get everyday for just being a useless son isn't worth it(I know I'm being useful and amounting to something is subjective but here I'm just painting a picture of what it would look like).

Best I could do if I lived would probably be somehow get a job and dip from this house and somehow avoid contact with dad altogether, mom and sister will be disappointed but I think they'd be more sympathetic and even so, what would I do? I don't mind working some min. wage job and making ends meet, not like I'm looking for a grand life or even a high life, I feel like I fit with being around those who struggle than those who prosper because of how broken I believe my mental to be. Being cornered by my parents' wishes is ultimately what lead me to this point, having no freedom or autonomy in my life I never really got to experience what a lot of others experience, good and bad, and well it's resulted in a husk, a desperate one looking to escape their wrath. Posting this in case anybody there is in the same or similar boat, not the most common experience I see here posted.

 

[No Entertainment]

You have same problem as I am. My academic life also get affected by my depression. I felt left behind by my peer, who already have a job or family. Meanwhile I just struggling to finish education.

May I ask about your next move? Are you planning to commit suicide or dare to try again to reach that freedom/autonomy you're looking for?

What is suicide method and when will you do it? If you're want to die that is.

 

[Pluto]

I went down the pathway of working humble jobs. There are some that are bearable and might even pay better than some educated jobs, or at least be more stable in the event of economic crises since they involve essential services.

The main mistake that I made was underestimating the importance of working on my social/relationship situations constructively. I made excuses to avoid getting serious about physical fitness, learning new social skills and so on. The result was getting quite burned out trying to pay off a house by myself with little social support.

 

[hendrix18712]

That's horrible to have so many pressure placed on you. We all have huge expectations put on us by wider society, and to have the addition of parents with those enormous expectations too must suck.

 

[ALiflessDreamerOtaku]

I give my sincere gratitude and admiration to you for the fact that you are living so bravely out in the wild
I have not been through as much pain as yours, but i experienced a similar problem except without parental pressure

Just understand that the society is rigged against some people, and realize that its not your fault and anyone's fault. Everyone is just influenced by the society too damn much, to make this world such a harsh place. One's value is not determined by their money, fame or even success. One's value lies in how you live your life with the things you have right now. I admire and respect you so much for the things you have been through, and im certain that everyone else that are not influenced so much will do.
But please do not do suicide, it just doesnt worth it. Even life seems the most shittiest it could have ever been, please do not give up your life. The value of being alive is bigger than you imagine, and I treasure any one of you in this forum as much as the oxygen in the air. Theres always a way out, and your emotions can change within split of seconds. You are in control of your life, how you feel and how you live life, and it takes time for you to rediscover it. Moreover, it does not worth it to just commit suicide because of the sheer ridiculous indoctrination that this society does to your family.

s

My dm is available if you need some support, and i want to bow down to you for all that you have gone through.
You are brave, you are not affected by your dad after all those. You are still emotionally and physically capable of working, getting wages. At least you are better than me. You are a warrior. I do not know what else to say because im much more worse than you in terms of abilities, but I am still living.
Cheers to you bro

 

[toseeyousmile]

You have same problem as I am. My academic life also get affected by my depression. I felt left behind by my peer, who already have a job or family. Meanwhile I just struggling to finish education.

May I ask about your next move? Are you planning to commit suicide or dare to try again to reach that freedom/autonomy you're looking for?

What is suicide method and when will you do it? If you're want to die that is.

truthfully rn I'm more leaning to suicide but at the same time I'm currently looking for a job so I don't waste away my days like I do now and in the event I finally ctb, I can leave something behind for some people. I don't really know what that autonomy will do for me if I were to go after it, maybe I would further ruin my life or maybe nothing at all would change. Realistically if I were to be able to live alone I don't think anything will happen, I'm turning 22 in a few months and behind my peers on a lot of things one of them is social stuff like pluto mentioned. My mental is so done for this world I'm definitely not fit to be around a lot of people romantically or friendly because if I am to be honest with my feelings around them I might make them just as depressed as I am so the only other option is just pretending to be someone else to meet my social needs which I'm already doing and realistically that doesn't really get me anywhere. And my method is SN. If I may ask, what are you looking for out of life/in life?

 

[The Abyss]

You can either be the human calculator your helicopter parents expected, chart your own path at a lower level while feeling more relaxed or just throw in the towel if it's all too much.

You have freedom of choice no matter how much others may try to make you feel you don't or even actively try to limit you.

We don't get to decide the rules of the game but we can choose whether we're playing or not.

 

[No Entertainment]

truthfully rn I'm more leaning to suicide but at the same time I'm currently looking for a job so I don't waste away my days like I do now and in the event I finally ctb, I can leave something behind for some people. I don't really know what that autonomy will do for me if I were to go after it, maybe I would further ruin my life or maybe nothing at all would change. Realistically if I were to be able to live alone I don't think anything will happen, I'm turning 22 in a few months and behind my peers on a lot of things one of them is social stuff like pluto mentioned. My mental is so done for this world I'm definitely not fit to be around a lot of people romantically or friendly because if I am to be honest with my feelings around them I might make them just as depressed as I am so the only other option is just pretending to be someone else to meet my social needs which I'm already doing and realistically that doesn't really get me anywhere. And my method is SN. If I may ask, what are you looking for out of life/in life?

My method also SN. I have SN kit laying around 'just in case'. Still not decided the date of my death. What I am looking for in life is same like you, freedom/autonomy. More specifically a fire. It's stand for financial independence and retirement early. Having a humble life and humble job.

 

[Salvation_]

I'm in the same exact situation. I just flunked out of my major this year. My last year. My fourth year. I'll be going into fifth year with almost nothing. I haven't told my parents yet either. At this point, I'm just kinda numb. I haven't told anyone, actually. I plan to CTB in August but I'm still unsure about that.