Help Coping with ideation

[Kobusu]

How do you guys cope with ideation? For most of my life it was "I'm only here until I'm 18" which got me through my first 18 years of life, though I had my fair share of attempts and plans before then anyways. After that, i spent a few years living for someone else and fooling myself into believing someone might be with me until I die, but even then I fantasized about suicide and death constantly. Now, it's all I can think about. I see death or a potential suicide in everything. In the metal banisters on the highway, in the bears that sometimes pop out of the woods, hell I think about how I might kill myself with traffic cones when I see them. How do you guys cope? Does anyone else experience this? I'm at the end of my rope, and I can't handle going back to the Ward. Any advice is appreciated

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

It definitely becomes an excuse for not handling problems… Not paying bills, not answering the phone or messages, or planning for the future it all- It's a form of suicide itself, or, at least, self destruction …

 

[elephant1]

Yeah, pretty similar over here. My ideation varied in so many ways over the last years. It came up when I was like 13/14 years old though I couldn't really say where it came from at that time.
I carried it with me over the years and the worst that it got was when I've put myself to the ward two times for half a year.
There are times where ideation gives me some kind of warm feeling of a refuge and some place I can hide. The thing is just that living "in between" leads to nowhere for me. I'm studying and working besides that so it's not like there's nothing in my life, but it feels completely empty.

Ideation also made me very apathetic over the years and I completely lost ambitions or any good will. For me it got there I'm sure that there's a better place for me, a better nothingness.

 

[thefoodispoison]

Right now I just cope (or don't) by sleeping. I spend probably 11-12 hours a day in bed and if I didn't have to go to work it would be more.

 

[FuneralCry]

I find suicidal thoughts to be comforting personally. It is the only way to end the pain and be at peace. Suicide is the only thing that feels right for me and it is perfectly rational wanting suicide in a life like mine. Existence is suffering after all.
The one thing that does help me deal with the pain of existence is getting enough sleep, feeling extremely tired makes everything worse for me. I wish you the best.

 

[Kobusu]

Yeah, pretty similar over here. My ideation varied in so many ways over the last years. It came up when I was like 13/14 years old though I couldn't really say where it came from at that time.
I carried it with me over the years and the worst that it got was when I've put myself to the ward two times for half a year.
There are times where ideation gives me some kind of warm feeling of a refuge and some place I can hide. The thing is just that living "in between" leads to nowhere for me. I'm studying and working besides that so it's not like there's nothing in my life, but it feels completely empty.

Ideation also made me very apathetic over the years and I completely lost ambitions or any good will. For me it got there I'm sure that there's a better place for me, a better nothingness.

I find suicidal thoughts to be comforting personally. It is the only way to end the pain and be at peace. Suicide is the only thing that feels right for me and it is perfectly rational wanting suicide in a life like mine. Existence is suffering after all.
The one thing that does help me deal with the pain of existence is getting enough sleep, feeling extremely tired makes everything worse for me. I wish you the best.

This is what it's like for me. Half the time I only make it through the day because I think about all the different ways I can go when I try to ctb again. It's comforting, and it gets me through the night, but it's also so domineering. When I don't want the thoughts, they're there anyways. I've tried to accept them my entire life but they just seem to get worse and worse and I'm at my wits end. I'm not sure if this means I need to try again or if it means that I can't be "fixed" or what, but it's exhausting. It would be nice to look at flowers and not wonder what kind of flowers they'll leave on my grave. Sometimes I wish a rose was just a rose.

 

[elephant1]

This is what it's like for me. Half the time I only make it through the day because I think about all the different ways I can go when I try to ctb again. It's comforting, and it gets me through the night, but it's also so domineering. When I don't want the thoughts, they're there anyways. I've tried to accept them my entire life but they just seem to get worse and worse and I'm at my wits end. I'm not sure if this means I need to try again or if it means that I can't be "fixed" or what, but it's exhausting. It would be nice to look at flowers and not wonder what kind of flowers they'll leave on my grave. Sometimes I wish a rose was just a rose.

"A rose is a rose is a rose" - Gertrude Stein

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

Imagine life without ideation - assuming you're going to have to live another 40 years like this or even much worse. Because it will get worse. Much much worse.

 

[Kobusu]

Imagine life without ideation - assuming you're going to have to live another 40 years like this or even much worse. Because it will get worse. Much much worse.

Yeah, I figured that would be the case. Even now the difference between how bad it is at 21 vs how bad it was at 15. I was ready and attempted to ctb then, I don't know how long I can handle it getting worse and worse.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

Yeah, I figured that would be the case. Even now the difference between how bad it is at 21 vs how bad it was at 15. I was ready and attempted to ctb then, I don't know how long I can handle it getting worse and worse.

You can probably handle it for the next 60 years but do you want to…

 

[Kobusu]

You can probably handle it for the next 60 years but do you want to…

Well we both know I don't plan on it lmao, but you're right.

 

[Judah]

You can probably handle it for the next 60 years but do you want to…

With this thought, I feel more like CTB, old age is something I want to visit, probably thinking about old age makes me feel more secure about CTB.