Coping with darkness and pointless life

[nopointofliving]

I'm doing better these days. I do NOT feel better though. How do I manage it? Let me share with you what I learned so far:

1. I don't need to stop depression (and I can't stop it)
Yes, I'm not okay. I admit it. So?!! Yes, I want to die. so??! I acknowledge my feelings and listen to what my mind/body tells me. Whenever I feel so drained and tired, I do nothing (just lie down on my bed ) for hours or days. When I get some energy (20-60%), I do something I think is useful like studying, working online...etc.

2. I don't need to stop suicidal thoughts (and I can't stop them)
I always get suicidal thoughts. I ask myself "what's the point? why to do this? I'm such a failure. I want to die....etc". Well, I acknowledge that. I know I will end my existence one day, but it isn't the right time now, why? because I can't purchase any materials for now. I don't have money, and I don't know how to get such things without creating trouble with the local authority. Till I can manage it, I will try to survive the moment as much as I can.

3. Getting face to face with darkness.
Thoughts attack so hard. Don't ever underestimate the power of thought, right :D. I often get voices in my head:

"You failed
You're stupid
You think you're smart ha, you wanted to do so and so, you failed
No one loved you... no one will love you... you will be alone forever
where is your God? he cannot even help himself...
...
etc"

What to do when the attack is very intense and heavy?!! I fall crying, feeling awful, desiring to CTB more than ever. It's already an honorable fight I lead I saw many people in my life who can't even stand before their darkness. I consider myself a fighter, receiving such bloody mental attacks regularly and yet I'm standing here. Crying and surrendering isn't weakness, everyone bleeds in war.

4. I'm not happy... I won't be happy:
I used to think there is something called happiness, and I need to take it or run toward it. Now, I believe there is no happiness, I don't have to chase anything. Nothing would make me happy, so I'm waiting for nothing. I become less anxious this way.

5. I don't enjoy my life... I won't enjoy it ever:
I follow the same approach of point no. 4. OK, nothing gives me joy, and I won't ever enjoy anything in life. Nothing to worry about. I'm getting nothing. No exceptions, no disappointments.

6. Life is pointless... no need to set any goal:
In my opinion, life has no meaning. So whatever we do with it is a plus point. I don't have to do anything in this pointless life, but if I decided to read few pages of a book, this would help me to survive for a while in this scary life. Every step is a battle, and having an honorable fight is the most important (at least for me).

This is how I'm doing nowadays, it works for me now. It might not work for everyone or me in the future.

 

[timf]

Starting from a point of darkness can be ahead of those starting from pain. If one finds no meaning, one can start with injecting meaning. It might be simple selfishness such as those things in which one might find even transient enjoyment such as a favorite book or film. Caution should be taken as prolonged living for self can be toxic.

As the palate of life broadens, one can shift to start including what might be done for others. Sometimes a life has to be built from scratch. This can be difficult if one is carrying other burdens such as depression. One can work around obstacles to find what pleasures and enjoyment one can even in the face of obstacles.

That you have come to acknowledge the things you cannot change (or found a way to change yet), you already have a pretty clear map of the terrain. If you can start work around fringes, you might be able to build some control that will alow some occasional enjoyments.

 

[FuneralCry]

I guess you have to try and find ways to cope while you are stuck on this earth as it is hard to die. I have anhedonia, and I find doing anything is difficult. I just look for small ways to ease the pain such as going outside a little bit and I have my cat. Thinking of how meaningless life actually is helps me, I take comfort in the fact it will be over someday.

 

[ncmxm]

Crying and surrendering isn't weakness, everyone bleeds in war.

This is one of the most powerful sentences I've read ever, thank you so much for writing it