Venting Control

[15dec]

Does anyone else have storied about being controlled they want to share/vent about?

One thing getting on my nerves right now is my dad not letting me watch certain things on TV (AKA, dancing on ice and true crime shows), and if he sees me watching them throwing all these snarky comments about why I'd want to watch it and giving me this vibe of judging me which makes me want to turn it off and just go with whatever he wants. This also relates to some time last year when I wanted to be a forensic psychologist, which he didn't approve of at all because it involved working with the police. It was definitely discouraging which is why he doesn't know I now want to work as a detective, so I don't have to deal with the same criticism for that decision.

He also used to control how long my hair was and how it was styled, until I was 15 and I was finally given permission to do what I wanted with it. I also used to have to ask him if I was allowed to buy new clothes and describe them to him for his approval, including my underwear until I was about 12 or 13, and as you can imagine that's incredibly embarrassing. He's also tried to tell me which sanitary products are best for me and tried to make me use certain products (sorry if that's a bit tmi for anyone but wanted to vent about it). I also had to ask to get my ear pierced despite it being my own money and being considered legally old enough to decide for myself, because he would've gone mad if I didn't consult him first. It's frustrating to have such little control over your own body especially when everyone else has always been able to decide for themselves, or at least has been able to for more than a couple of years.

He tries to control things my mum does, too -the same hair things as he did to me, sometimes timing her when she goes out and confronting her if she takes 'too long'.

 

[Vegrau]

Life is only as free as other let yours be.

 

[Misanthrope]

Does anyone else have storied about being controlled they want to share/vent about?

One thing getting on my nerves right now is my dad not letting me watch certain things on TV (AKA, dancing on ice and true crime shows), and if he sees me watching them throwing all these snarky comments about why I'd want to watch it and giving me this vibe of judging me which makes me want to turn it off and just go with whatever he wants. This also relates to some time last year when I wanted to be a forensic psychologist, which he didn't approve of at all because it involved working with the police. It was definitely discouraging which is why he doesn't know I now want to work as a detective, so I don't have to deal with the same criticism for that decision.

He also used to control how long my hair was and how it was styled, until I was 15 and I was finally given permission to do what I wanted with it. I also used to have to ask him if I was allowed to buy new clothes and describe them to him for his approval, including my underwear until I was about 12 or 13, and as you can imagine that's incredibly embarrassing. He's also tried to tell me which sanitary products are best for me and tried to make me use certain products (sorry if that's a bit tmi for anyone but wanted to vent about it). I also had to ask to get my ear pierced despite it being my own money and being considered legally old enough to decide for myself, because he would've gone mad if I didn't consult him first. It's frustrating to have such little control over your own body especially when everyone else has always been able to decide for themselves, or at least has been able to for more than a couple of years.

He tries to control things my mum does, too -the same hair things as he did to me, sometimes timing her when she goes out and confronting her if she takes 'too long'.

Really sad to hear this is happening to you 15dec. I need to be impolite here but you are dealing with a complete asshole. I think you should take your love of forensic psychology and it apply it to this man. Dissect him, turn him into a case study, write extensive notes on him. View his every toxic behaviour for what it is. Observe how he is detrimentally shaping your mother. Analyse the words used and their intended effect.

At the same time keep in mind your own psychology and try and avoid internalising any of his words or views about you. He is the specimen, not you. Just from your vagaries of description, I suspect he is against you pursuing Forensic psychology because it is a smart field and an exciting one. Probably two things maybe lacking in their own life since they are so busy controlling your clothing choices.

What does he do?

If you had to profile him psychologically what would you present as your observations?

The reason I am suggesting this is simply because you need to distance yourself from your abuser. He might not be punching you in the face but controlling people and crushing their self-will is what slave masters do. Don't ever let him diminish your passion. Every time he belittles your passion view it as proof of your specimen demonstrating their own insecurities. Please keep your passions alive in the face of assholery with a mind to getting out of there one day. It is hard not to internalise your abusers when constantly hit with a barrage of their shit. So if you have to vivisect them to establish a useful distance it may be a skill worth working on.

I am curious what happens when you rebel against his controlling behaviour?

My own stepfather was not controlling as such but he was a sadist, and living in a house with him was like being an antelope grazing next to a half-awake lion. I never knew when I was going to get mauled only that it was inevitable. Unfortunately, I internalised every word of worthlessness he inflicted on me and believed it. I lost my self-integrity for a while, and really don't want to see you lose the same. You must kill the power they have over you, even if all you have to do it is mental gymnastics and pretence. Play the game, escape the lion. Maybe on the day, you leave you can hand them your extensive notes…

 

[15dec]

Really sad to hear this is happening to you 15dec. I need to be impolite here but you are dealing with a complete asshole. I think you should take your love of forensic psychology and it apply it to this man. Dissect him, turn him into a case study, write extensive notes on him. View his every toxic behaviour for what it is. Observe how he is detrimentally shaping your mother. Analyse the words used and their intended effect.

At the same time keep in mind your own psychology and try and avoid internalising any of his words or views about you. He is the specimen, not you. Just from your vagaries of description, I suspect he is against you pursuing Forensic psychology because it is a smart field and an exciting one. Probably two things maybe lacking in their own life since they are so busy controlling your clothing choices.

What does he do?

If you had to profile him psychologically what would you present as your observations?

The reason I am suggesting this is simply because you need to distance yourself from your abuser. He might not be punching you in the face but controlling people and crushing their self-will is what slave masters do. Don't ever let him diminish your passion. Every time he belittles your passion view it as proof of your specimen demonstrating their own insecurities. Please keep your passions alive in the face of assholery with a mind to getting out of there one day. It is hard not to internalise your abusers when constantly hit with a barrage of their shit. So if you have to vivisect them to establish a useful distance it may be a skill worth working on.

I am curious what happens when you rebel against his controlling behaviour?

My own stepfather was not controlling as such but he was a sadist, and living in a house with him was like being an antelope grazing next to a half-awake lion. I never knew when I was going to get mauled only that it was inevitable. Unfortunately, I internalised every word of worthlessness he inflicted on me and believed it. I lost my self-integrity for a while, and really don't want to see you lose the same. You must kill the power they have over you, even if all you have to do it is mental gymnastics and pretence. Play the game, escape the lion. Maybe on the day, you leave you can hand them your extensive notes…

Thank you for such a long and thoughtful reply! Nowadays I just ignore him really, I'm mostly just annoyed at how long it took me to realise this wasn't 'normal' and to start doing my own thing without worrying that much about what he'll say. He only really shouts and threatens things really, which was getting to me recently but looking back I know he's most likely just saying that to make me do what he wants and will never go through with it.

If/when he finds out about me wanting to join the police he'll probablt give me the same, "why the hell do you want to do that for?" and then tell me how bad of a job it'll be and how I should do something better (aka, something he approves of) and generally try to discourage me from doing it by making me think it'll be too hard for me and trying to scare me out of it. Personally I think it's because he doesn't like the police since he's been involved with them before, but it's anyones guess. I've had similar comments from both my parents about my career choices so I'm planning on not letting them know about this one because I know it'll just get me down.

Another thing he does is act really nice and supportive, and then revert back to being intimidating, angry, shouting all the time. Most recently he was acting incredibly kind when I had a few arguments with my mum and when he was aware of my mental health worsening, being really supportive and buying me things. At the same time he was also telling me a lot of things about my mum being really horrible and having stressed him out lots when I was little, and looking back in not sure if he was trying to turn me against her more or if he was telling the truth. A few days after I had a mental health assessment he asked me if I was feeling okay, I said yes, and he said 'okay good, so we won't have to see anymore people will we?' and I feel like he wanted me to stop my involvement in trying to recover and rely on him instead. He's had problems with me having help outside of him before, he used to give me hell when I'd asked for treatment before, and even after one of my attempts would be screaming at me for asking to contact the mental health teams and I had to beg to be allowed to.

I'm sorry you had horrible experiences with your step-dad, too. I know for a fact that my half-brother and half-sister did when my mum got together with my dad and stepparents can be awful to their stepchildren. I hope you managed to regain some of your self-integrity and recover from his abuse at least a little bit. Hugs

 

[Misanthrope]

Unfortunately, I am feeling a bit sick right now 15dec. Thank you for the hug I will have more of a response for you tomorrow. Please be gentle with yourself.

 

[Moony21]

Your situation makes me sad and a little angry that you are under such "control". I think it's bad when parents expect their children to behave like that.

My family gave me zero freedom or privacy. They wanted to know everything and then talked behind my back and made me vulnerable and weak. They controlled everything from me. After all the years without once said to me "i'm proud of you bla bla" And only telling me what's wrong with me I never trust them again. it feels like failure, when I have to tell them that I'm not feeling well. I never lost those feelings again. As a child I did everything to satisfy them or st least I tried to. I felt so lost with them at home.

I am very sorry that you have to go through this.

 

[Johnnythefox]

"why the hell do you want to do that for?" and then tell me how bad of a job it'll be and how I should do something better (aka, something he approves of)

I have experience of this from growing up, I won't give a detailed account but @Misanthrope has given sound advice.

All I can say is, "do what you want to do and not what others want". I would also work on getting out of there if possible. Do not be fooled by any false promises from him either.

 

[Misanthrope]

Thank you for such a long and thoughtful reply! Nowadays I just ignore him really, I'm mostly just annoyed at how long it took me to realise this wasn't 'normal' and to start doing my own thing without worrying that much about what he'll say. He only really shouts and threatens things really, which was getting to me recently but looking back I know he's most likely just saying that to make me do what he wants and will never go through with it.

If/when he finds out about me wanting to join the police he'll probablt give me the same, "why the hell do you want to do that for?" and then tell me how bad of a job it'll be and how I should do something better (aka, something he approves of) and generally try to discourage me from doing it by making me think it'll be too hard for me and trying to scare me out of it. Personally I think it's because he doesn't like the police since he's been involved with them before, but it's anyones guess. I've had similar comments from both my parents about my career choices so I'm planning on not letting them know about this one because I know it'll just get me down.

Another thing he does is act really nice and supportive, and then revert back to being intimidating, angry, shouting all the time. Most recently he was acting incredibly kind when I had a few arguments with my mum and when he was aware of my mental health worsening, being really supportive and buying me things. At the same time he was also telling me a lot of things about my mum being really horrible and having stressed him out lots when I was little, and looking back in not sure if he was trying to turn me against her more or if he was telling the truth. A few days after I had a mental health assessment he asked me if I was feeling okay, I said yes, and he said 'okay good, so we won't have to see anymore people will we?' and I feel like he wanted me to stop my involvement in trying to recover and rely on him instead. He's had problems with me having help outside of him before, he used to give me hell when I'd asked for treatment before, and even after one of my attempts would be screaming at me for asking to contact the mental health teams and I had to beg to be allowed to.

I'm sorry you had horrible experiences with your step-dad, too. I know for a fact that my half-brother and half-sister did when my mum got together with my dad and stepparents can be awful to their stepchildren. I hope you managed to regain some of your self-integrity and recover from his abuse at least a little bit. Hugs

I am glad you can ignore him. Ignoring assholes is a very useful skill to develop especially if you join the police force or have to deal with the general public in any capacity. Shame you have had to have so much practice at it though. Policing is definitely a very hard job. You are going to be wading through the worst humanity has to offer and drowning in paperwork and assaulted by top-down pressures. As well as dealing with people projecting their hatred of government on you, even though you are simply upholding the law and not being paid very well for the privilege. But that is irrelevant because that is your choice and what you are interested in. You don't strike me as someone that is romanticising what it entails.

You should definitely explore the realities though. I have asked questions before on this forum. You may find it useful. https://police.community/

You may also find this man's Blog very interesting as I feel he is attempting to address a major failure in mental health and policing. https://mentalhealthcop.wordpress.com/about/

If it is okay with you? I would like to send you various articles you may find of interest on occasion. As I simply want to keep your furnace of passion burning with logs of interesting knowledge, in spite of the dousing force your father represents. Maybe you would want to chat about them as a distraction from a controlling environment. I would be up for that.

Another thing he does is act really nice and supportive, and then revert back to being intimidating, angry, shouting all the time.

This is pretty much a classic abusive behaviour because it sows doubt. 'Maybe you are the one misinterpreting things?' This is obviously not true and you should view it as simply a manipulative technique to keep you unbalanced. Apply scathing scepticism, trust more in those who nurture you than those who put you down. I think you should stick with your original conclusion. That this is not normal and ignoring him is the better option.

The reason he is likely so hostile to you getting help is that it is a threat to him. It has the potential of exposing him and his behaviours. The negative judgement he fears are certainly warranted. I can imagine him being chronically paranoid about what you may be saying about him. Hence the juvenile temper tantrums. Regardless of this, you should pursue recovery if you can because you have a right to your own self-determination and the life you want. You could also possibly benefit from the tools to better help you cope day to day with your home life and keep your exit strategy of getting out of there in mind when things get rough at home.

Would you be considered a youth? Aged between 14 and 21? Even if you are somewhat older there are various charities that focus on youth issues that you are describing, and have their own therapies and helpful programs available. It though is a bit of a lottery dependent on where you are based.

I did regain my integrity in the end, then weaponised my hate to help others. Although if a purge like scenario was ever to occur someone would be winding up buried in concrete with a funnel, beneath a sewage outlet.

Really wishing you all the best, don't let the bastards of this world grind you down.

Peace.

 

[15dec]

I am glad you can ignore him. Ignoring assholes is a very useful skill to develop especially if you join the police force or have to deal with the general public in any capacity. Shame you have had to have so much practice at it though. Policing is definitely a very hard job. You are going to be wading through the worst humanity has to offer and drowning in paperwork and assaulted by top-down pressures. As well as dealing with people projecting their hatred of government on you, even though you are simply upholding the law and not being paid very well for the privilege. But that is irrelevant because that is your choice and what you are interested in. You don't strike me as someone that is romanticising what it entails.

You should definitely explore the realities though. I have asked questions before on this forum. You may find it useful. https://police.community/

You may also find this man's Blog very interesting as I feel he is attempting to address a major failure in mental health and policing. https://mentalhealthcop.wordpress.com/about/

If it is okay with you? I would like to send you various articles you may find of interest on occasion. As I simply want to keep your furnace of passion burning with logs of interesting knowledge, in spite of the dousing force your father represents. Maybe you would want to chat about them as a distraction from a controlling environment. I would be up for that.




This is pretty much a classic abusive behaviour because it sows doubt. 'Maybe you are the one misinterpreting things?' This is obviously not true and you should view it as simply a manipulative technique to keep you unbalanced. Apply scathing scepticism, trust more in those who nurture you than those who put you down. I think you should stick with your original conclusion. That this is not normal and ignoring him is the better option.

The reason he is likely so hostile to you getting help is that it is a threat to him. It has the potential of exposing him and his behaviours. The negative judgement he fears are certainly warranted. I can imagine him being chronically paranoid about what you may be saying about him. Hence the juvenile temper tantrums. Regardless of this, you should pursue recovery if you can because you have a right to your own self-determination and the life you want. You could also possibly benefit from the tools to better help you cope day to day with your home life and keep your exit strategy of getting out of there in mind when things get rough at home.

Would you be considered a youth? Aged between 14 and 21? Even if you are somewhat older there are various charities that focus on youth issues that you are describing, and have their own therapies and helpful programs available. It though is a bit of a lottery dependent on where you are based.

I did regain my integrity in the end, then weaponised my hate to help others. Although if a purge like scenario was ever to occur someone would be winding up buried in concrete with a funnel, beneath a sewage outlet.

Really wishing you all the best, don't let the bastards of this world grind you down.

Peace.

Thanks again, you're probably the first person to tell me the risks/drawbacks of a job in a way that isn't patronising or meant to discourage so that's really nice.

Thanks for the websites, I'll give them a read later on. I'm fine with you sending me any other articles as well :)

I noticed it was an absuive tactic as soon as he started to act like an asshole again and I'm definitely treating him with a lot of skepticism and distrust, which is probably the easiest way to deal with him.

I started to pursue recovery again in November, sadly I'm still on a waiting list. I'm not sure if they'll actually give me treatment other than CBT/short-term counselling which I had before, and which didn't help me at all (in fact my mental health got worse afterwards, maybe not linked to the CBT but horrible nonetheless). I requested to see a psychiatrist who could give me an actual diagnosis and other treatments I haven't been able to try, but despite being referred as an urgent case I'll have to wait several months just to see one. I haven't looked into any youth charities in my area so I'll give them a try.

I'm glad you managed to recover from that experience. Wishing you the best too :)

 

[15dec]

I have experience of this from growing up, I won't give a detailed account but @Misanthrope has given sound advice.

All I can say is, "do what you want to do and not what others want". I would also work on getting out of there if possible. Do not be fooled by any false promises from him either.

Sorry to hear you've had similar experiences Johnny. Thanks for the advice, I'm currently on a waiting list for supported accommodation. It's funny you mention false promises, since he's had a whole arsenal of those since I was a kid that he's still repeating to this day.

 

[Misanthrope]

Thanks again, you're probably the first person to tell me the risks/drawbacks of a job in a way that isn't patronising or meant to discourage so that's really nice.

Thanks for the websites, I'll give them a read later on. I'm fine with you sending me any other articles as well :)

I noticed it was an absuive tactic as soon as he started to act like an asshole again and I'm definitely treating him with a lot of skepticism and distrust, which is probably the easiest way to deal with him.

I started to pursue recovery again in November, sadly I'm still on a waiting list. I'm not sure if they'll actually give me treatment other than CBT/short-term counselling which I had before, and which didn't help me at all (in fact my mental health got worse afterwards, maybe not linked to the CBT but horrible nonetheless). I requested to see a psychiatrist who could give me an actual diagnosis and other treatments I haven't been able to try, but despite being referred as an urgent case I'll have to wait several months just to see one. I haven't looked into any youth charities in my area so I'll give them a try.

I'm glad you managed to recover from that experience. Wishing you the best too :)

Your issues with NHS are depressingly common. I wrote to another forum member about potential options. Maybe you will find some of what I wrote to her useful for yourself.

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/being-a-parent.10619/#post-201043

 

[TheNorthernSilence]

Sounds like me for the most of my life. I was always told what to do and what was 'the right thing' to do. I didn't have any free will of my own for a long time (and still working on it) and always tried to please everyone and meet all the expectations. I was like a robot. I also had/have an overprotective mother and many things were done for me which I should have done by myself so I never learned to take proper responsibility for life. When I realize it, I now understand why and how fucked up I turned out to be.