I joined this community back in early November. So not very long compared to most of you, but I feel I was treated very well and I do not think I would be able to find peace without the information I was able to gather from this place. So to everyone here, thank you.
I do not expect anyone to actual want to read the following, but I will try to explain of why and how I got here and what I have learned about life in making this decision to CTB.
So, I could start the whole way back in the beginning of my life where things probably started but in order to keep this as short as possible, the only important thing to know is that I was adopted into a family from birth because my biological mother was a drug addict and unable to take care of me. My adopted family has been nothing but great to me. Do not get me wrong, we have our issues and things have not always been perfect, but overall, I cannot really complain all that hard. The only reason I mention that, is so you can begin to understand that I most likely have some form of attachment disorder and I take it very hard when people leave me or I lose someone. I am not one to blame my problems on anyone or anything, especially mental illness, but I cannot say it did not at least factor into where I stand now.
Anyway, overall, my life has been pretty great. I was blessed with a family that was for the most part healthy, my sister has some severe mental health issues which made living at home interesting to say the least, and my parents did eventually get divorced when I was around 14, but as I said, overall, it is not like it has been some terrible thing. My parents and siblings are loving and helpful, more than I deserve, and I will miss them greatly.
In June of 2020 I came home from serving as a missionary in El Salvador (I am not religious anymore, at least I do not know what to believe), but I started to see this girl I knew from my childhood. We were perfect for each other, and things started up really fast. Not in an unhealthy manner, I just mean we loved spending every single second with each other even after the honeymoon phase faded away. We were truly in love and had the best thing I ever had in my entire life. I use to always want to be adventurous and never settle down in my life but after being with her for only a few months, I realized very fast that I was so excited to spend the rest of my life with this woman in a traditional home with kids and a white fence. I literally was over the top excited to be with her every day. It may sound like I am making things better off then they were or over romanticizing what we had, but even she would admit that it was just greater then I had ever seen in anybody else's relationships around me, We dreamed for a year and a half of what it would be like to live together and be our own little family together (she had a dog). In January of this year we finally got to do just that and it was even better than both of us could of ever imagined. My life was perfect, and I had the entire world in front of me and her together.
I would share memories of us to explain how freaking amazing we were but once I stop I cannot stop. My head has been a non-stop bank of memories and I cannot stop thinking. It is not normal. It is not like things remind me of her here and there. Literally every single second of every single day I am reliving what I had and realizing I will never have that back
But I am getting ahead of myself. I was an idiot and thought I deserved to have both her and another passion of mine (El Salvador) and she was uncomfortable and feared for my safety down there. She told me she did not think she could be with me if I needed that and even though I chose her for months, I let everyone telling me she was controlling me finally get to me and I told her that I think I needed to be able to do what I would like to do. Obviously, she left and as much as a lot of you probably have to say about that and even think that she was controlling, she was not. It is a long long story and I am the one who ruined everything in the end. I get from the details that I provided just now may not convince you but this is all I have been thinking about since July when things ended and you can trust me I have thought this through. It was my fault.
I realized very fast that I was wrong. That El Salvador was not worth losing her. Not even a little bit. Now this is where my attachment issues may come in because I think a lot of people would mark this up to a lesson they needed to learn and that things come and go. And sure, there is an element of that in this but I truly think that the best thing I could of ever had is what I had with her. And even if it was not, even if there is something better out there for me and statistically there is, I do not ever want to find it. I do not ever want to know of face something that could make me happier than I was with her, the best way I can explain it, is that I am just content with what I got out of life. I had a very good life compared to a lot of people and I am grateful for that, but I am content with what I had, and I do not need to experience anything more. I am not saying life would not get better, and I guarantee you within a few years I would be saying "it is for the best", and "I am glad things ended because now I am better off". The mind has this amazing ability to convince you of things you do not ever want to believe even when you are aware you do not want to believe them. I am angry at my brain for being the way it is, but it must be that way. It cannot just have everyone wanting and succeeding in CTBing every time their heart is hurting. It was to keep you alive even when you do not want to because if not, we would not evolve as a people. I get we may not care about that here seeing as we are all here probably to find a way out, but SI works with evolution to make sure you stay alive. It will even trick you into thinking you are suicidal just so you can feel a purpose because it knows you will never do it. We are here to try to prove it wrong but honestly for most of us here, it is still your SI micro dosing you so you feel you are getting closer to peace while it laughs at us knowing it is tricking us to think we are in control.
I got off topic there a little. My point is that there is nothing here for me that I want. I could decide there is and make something of myself and find joy in life, but I just have no interest in that. Not knowing the best thing, I could of ever dreamed about is already behind me. Sure, could my mind trick me into falling in love again, probably but even if it did, I would still be comparing her to what I had with her. I simply do not want to continue anymore into this unknown. Not only do I not want to ever top what I had with her, what is the alternative? I just sit around resenting myself and the mistakes I made to get me to this point? I get older without anybody and I watch her move on and have the family we wanted? I already gained like 25 pounds since she left and I think that is a very good indicator of what the rest of my life would be. Trying to tell myself I need to move ahead, need to be healthy, need to do this and that but then I would ask myself, why? Why should I move forward when there is nothing here that I want or want to want? Living life is an option and even though your mind and body make it almost impossible for you to chose to leave, it does not mean it is not valid.
I am not saying my issue is that bad and heck some of the situations I have read on here are a million times worse than what I have. All I did was break up. Millions of people break up and are just fine. I am not saying I had it worse or anything like that, but it is my decision whether on not like is worth living, and to me it is not.
Thank you to all of you again. I hope to be gone by tomorrow night so if anyone of you would like to talk and give me a good final night, I would appreciate that. Thank you!
I do not expect anyone to actual want to read the following, but I will try to explain of why and how I got here and what I have learned about life in making this decision to CTB.
So, I could start the whole way back in the beginning of my life where things probably started but in order to keep this as short as possible, the only important thing to know is that I was adopted into a family from birth because my biological mother was a drug addict and unable to take care of me. My adopted family has been nothing but great to me. Do not get me wrong, we have our issues and things have not always been perfect, but overall, I cannot really complain all that hard. The only reason I mention that, is so you can begin to understand that I most likely have some form of attachment disorder and I take it very hard when people leave me or I lose someone. I am not one to blame my problems on anyone or anything, especially mental illness, but I cannot say it did not at least factor into where I stand now.
Anyway, overall, my life has been pretty great. I was blessed with a family that was for the most part healthy, my sister has some severe mental health issues which made living at home interesting to say the least, and my parents did eventually get divorced when I was around 14, but as I said, overall, it is not like it has been some terrible thing. My parents and siblings are loving and helpful, more than I deserve, and I will miss them greatly.
In June of 2020 I came home from serving as a missionary in El Salvador (I am not religious anymore, at least I do not know what to believe), but I started to see this girl I knew from my childhood. We were perfect for each other, and things started up really fast. Not in an unhealthy manner, I just mean we loved spending every single second with each other even after the honeymoon phase faded away. We were truly in love and had the best thing I ever had in my entire life. I use to always want to be adventurous and never settle down in my life but after being with her for only a few months, I realized very fast that I was so excited to spend the rest of my life with this woman in a traditional home with kids and a white fence. I literally was over the top excited to be with her every day. It may sound like I am making things better off then they were or over romanticizing what we had, but even she would admit that it was just greater then I had ever seen in anybody else's relationships around me, We dreamed for a year and a half of what it would be like to live together and be our own little family together (she had a dog). In January of this year we finally got to do just that and it was even better than both of us could of ever imagined. My life was perfect, and I had the entire world in front of me and her together.
I would share memories of us to explain how freaking amazing we were but once I stop I cannot stop. My head has been a non-stop bank of memories and I cannot stop thinking. It is not normal. It is not like things remind me of her here and there. Literally every single second of every single day I am reliving what I had and realizing I will never have that back
But I am getting ahead of myself. I was an idiot and thought I deserved to have both her and another passion of mine (El Salvador) and she was uncomfortable and feared for my safety down there. She told me she did not think she could be with me if I needed that and even though I chose her for months, I let everyone telling me she was controlling me finally get to me and I told her that I think I needed to be able to do what I would like to do. Obviously, she left and as much as a lot of you probably have to say about that and even think that she was controlling, she was not. It is a long long story and I am the one who ruined everything in the end. I get from the details that I provided just now may not convince you but this is all I have been thinking about since July when things ended and you can trust me I have thought this through. It was my fault.
I realized very fast that I was wrong. That El Salvador was not worth losing her. Not even a little bit. Now this is where my attachment issues may come in because I think a lot of people would mark this up to a lesson they needed to learn and that things come and go. And sure, there is an element of that in this but I truly think that the best thing I could of ever had is what I had with her. And even if it was not, even if there is something better out there for me and statistically there is, I do not ever want to find it. I do not ever want to know of face something that could make me happier than I was with her, the best way I can explain it, is that I am just content with what I got out of life. I had a very good life compared to a lot of people and I am grateful for that, but I am content with what I had, and I do not need to experience anything more. I am not saying life would not get better, and I guarantee you within a few years I would be saying "it is for the best", and "I am glad things ended because now I am better off". The mind has this amazing ability to convince you of things you do not ever want to believe even when you are aware you do not want to believe them. I am angry at my brain for being the way it is, but it must be that way. It cannot just have everyone wanting and succeeding in CTBing every time their heart is hurting. It was to keep you alive even when you do not want to because if not, we would not evolve as a people. I get we may not care about that here seeing as we are all here probably to find a way out, but SI works with evolution to make sure you stay alive. It will even trick you into thinking you are suicidal just so you can feel a purpose because it knows you will never do it. We are here to try to prove it wrong but honestly for most of us here, it is still your SI micro dosing you so you feel you are getting closer to peace while it laughs at us knowing it is tricking us to think we are in control.
I got off topic there a little. My point is that there is nothing here for me that I want. I could decide there is and make something of myself and find joy in life, but I just have no interest in that. Not knowing the best thing, I could of ever dreamed about is already behind me. Sure, could my mind trick me into falling in love again, probably but even if it did, I would still be comparing her to what I had with her. I simply do not want to continue anymore into this unknown. Not only do I not want to ever top what I had with her, what is the alternative? I just sit around resenting myself and the mistakes I made to get me to this point? I get older without anybody and I watch her move on and have the family we wanted? I already gained like 25 pounds since she left and I think that is a very good indicator of what the rest of my life would be. Trying to tell myself I need to move ahead, need to be healthy, need to do this and that but then I would ask myself, why? Why should I move forward when there is nothing here that I want or want to want? Living life is an option and even though your mind and body make it almost impossible for you to chose to leave, it does not mean it is not valid.
I am not saying my issue is that bad and heck some of the situations I have read on here are a million times worse than what I have. All I did was break up. Millions of people break up and are just fine. I am not saying I had it worse or anything like that, but it is my decision whether on not like is worth living, and to me it is not.
Thank you to all of you again. I hope to be gone by tomorrow night so if anyone of you would like to talk and give me a good final night, I would appreciate that. Thank you!
