Contemplating dousing myself in petrol and setting myself on fire ...

[Cockney_Rebel]

I've done so many overdoses (22 in the last two years) and some of them have been to end my life (100 zopiclone + 100 diazepam with alcohol, for example) whereas others have been to hurt myself (paracetamol.)

However, I recently stopped taking my medication, and I'm getting a lot of intrusive thoughts to either douse myself in petrol, and set myself on fire, or obtaining a gun and shooting myself in the heart. I have already decided where I'd do it. It would be in a public place, but where no-one else could get hurt. It's all been worked out.

Why in public, you ask? I'd want people to witness my (psychological) pain. I've been completely failed by the mental health "services" and there is a lot of anger inside me. I'd want to share that. You may regard that as a selfish act, but it's just my way of protesting whilst also CTB.

Has anyone else though of CTB via these methods? If so, have any tips?

I wish you all well in your own journeys.

 

[Cockney_Rebel]

Thank you for your detailed response.

It's nice to know that someone actually cares.

I have taken your advice onboard, and wish you well on your own journey.

By the way, have you decided on your own method of CTB?

 

[JustAMatterOfTime]

I have thought of it to just push me over the edge of SI and force me to jump from a high place. I have seen many CCTV footages of self immolation and often a fire extinguisher is on the person within 15-30 seconds. That could mean they survive and I don't think there is anything worse to survive than burns like that.

 

[Cockney_Rebel]

That's very kind of you (thank you.)

I have never heard of Nembutal, but have seen SN banded about on here. What is it, if you don't mind letting me know?

Do you have a rough timeframe re when you'll be going ahead with your plan?

As you have me, I truly do wish you well on your own journey. May you find peace.

BTW, I truly believe in reincarnation. I'm convinced I'm going to come back as an American girl. I'm not gay, don't have any gender identity issues or such, it's just something I have believed for a long time. Maybe it's something I hope will happen? Whatever the case, the believe has firmly been cemented itself in my mind.

Once again I wish you well, my friend ...

 

[UterEntonaur]

If so, have any tips?

Just so you're aware; I think suffocation plays a large part in this (if you don't pass out from the pain), because the fire would consume the oxygen around you, and prevent you from "breathing air"

I've seen a lot of videos on the internet, it seems like some people didn't realise this until it was too late, and panic when they can't breathe.

Obviously if you're expecting this, like the Tibetan monks that set themselves on fire, then you can overcome it if you're mentally strong,

 

[Cockney_Rebel]

I have thought of it to just push me over the edge of SI and force me to jump from a high place. I have seen many CCTV footages of self immolation and often a fire extinguisher is on the person within 15-30 seconds. That could mean they survive and I don't think there is anything worse to survive than burns like that.

Survival does scare me, much more than being successful.

I'd hate to be burned up.

I've been up on a certain car park roof on a number of occasions. During one episode, the police cordoned off the entire road, ambulances were at the ready, and police negotiators were at the scene.

Believe me, once you're "up there" your body's survival instinct kicks in and it takes a lot of balls to actually jump. Alas, I never did. Was sectioned on a PICU ward after that one, though. I was literally hanging off of the edge of the rail, but couldn't get myself over the edge (metaphorically speaking.) I was pissed at being on a PICU ward, but was told that I could easily have slipped and fallen. I suppose that makes sense.

However, I truly believe that the reason I never jumped was because there was a fairly decent chance of survival. It was high up, believe me, but I'm sure that people have survived from such heights and my biggest fear was surviving and being paralysed or something. It's all a balance, at the end of the day.

I've also travelled for a number of hours by train to the Clifton Suspension Bridge in Bristol, which is actually taller than the Golden Gate Bridge in the US. I was gearing myself up to go, but I was caught and sectioned before I could make it over the suicide barrier. Another bridge on my radar is the Humber Bridge in Hull. That's taller than the bridge in Bristol, and there's no suicide barrier to worry about. The only thing is it's over 4 hours away by train for me, and as silly as this may sound, I'd want to jump in the afternoon (on a beautiful sunny day,) but the train times are all over the place. It (the bridge) is really beckoning me, though. It spans over an ocean, so I'd see it as cleansing my soul as I went.

I just wish it was nearer.

Good luck in your own journey, buddy.

Just so you're aware; I think suffocation plays a large part in this (if you don't pass out from the pain), because the fire would consume the oxygen around you, and prevent you from "breathing air"

I've seen a lot of videos on the internet, it seems like some people didn't realise this until it was too late, and panic when they can't breathe.

Obviously if you're expecting this, like the Tibetan monks that set themselves on fire, then you can overcome it if you're mentally strong,

Thanks for the tip.

I think I'll have to look into the Tibetan monks and them setting themselves on fire. I never knew they did?

Thanks again, and good luck on your own journey.

 

[Dutchyala]

I hope you don't choose the fire method it must be very painful. I had a friend whose brother put fire on him when they were young and he was still very traumatized by the pain. I also heard a 911 call from a woman, a boy had alcohol threw on him by bullies and was set on fire. He jumped on her pool to erase the father. It was the most agonizing call I ever heard. The screams of the boy in the background crying for help were heartbreaking. He never recovered and became a drug addict. It is probably one of the most painful methods one can choose.

Your feelings are valid. I understand wanting to punish people for not helping you. But strange people don't know you, they weren't the ones that caused you pain. Someone might be feeling like you right now, it could have children like mentioned here. I say that while having no one caring about me but I care deeply about others and if I do I'm sure other people can too. Leave a letter for people who failed on you if it makes you feel better.

I understand the intrusive thoughts. Once, when I still live in my old town, my yard got fire and the fire was quickly approaching the house. I felt very tempted to throw myself there and end everything. It took me a while to realize what I was doing.

Sending you love and hope you find peace with the decision you make.

 

[Cockney_Rebel]

I hope you don't choose the fire method it must be very painful. I had a friend whose brother put fire on him when they were young and he was still very traumatized by the pain. I also heard a 911 call from a woman, a boy had alcohol threw on him by bullies and was set on fire. He jumped on her pool to erase the father. It was the most agonizing call I ever heard. The screams of the boy in the background crying for help were heartbreaking. He never recovered and became a drug addict. It is probably one of the most painful methods one can choose.

Your feelings are valid. I understand wanting to punish people for not helping you. But strange people don't know you, they weren't the ones that caused you pain. Someone might be feeling like you right now, it could have children like mentioned here. I say that while having no one caring about me but I care deeply about others and if I do I'm sure other people can too. Leave a letter for people who failed on you if it makes you feel better.

I understand the intrusive thoughts. Once, when I still live in my old town, my yard got fire and the fire was quickly approaching the house. I felt very tempted to throw myself there and end everything. It took me a while to realize what I was doing.

Sending you love and hope you find peace with the decision you make.

Your reply is much appreciated, thank you.

I'm going to have to give this quite a bit of thought. However, I can be very spontaneous, and one day the mood could just take me and I'll spring into action.

I'd buy the can, petrol and lighter on the day, so there's no need to prepare with equipment before then. And I've already decided on my location, so that's all sorted.

You have all given me plenty to think about, though, and for that I am very grateful.

Good luck on your own journey, and I to hope that you find what you are searching for.

Sending love.

 

[JustAMatterOfTime]

Another bridge on my radar is the Humber Bridge in Hull. That's taller than the bridge in Bristol, and there's no suicide barrier to worry about.

Humber bridge is only 30m above the water. The Clifton bridge is over twice as high.

 

[Cockney_Rebel]

Humber bridge is only 30m above the water. The Clifton bridge is over twice as high.

I'm sure my research told me otherwise?

Thanks for the clarification.

However, many people have died by jumping from the Humber. At only 30 meters, that makes little to no sense?

You've really made me think about this one (method): Thank you.

What I like about the Humber, over the Clifton, is the fact that it spans water. Sure, there are times when the tide is in at the Clifton, but it's a long journey to make, only to find that the tide is out. I don't want to get smashed to pieces on a hard surface, I'd want to penetrate and be consumed by water.

I hope that makes sense, in a twisted way?

 

[Bedrock48]

It's not a method I've thought about, both from a pain side of things and I don't wish anyone to find me as a lump of charcoal (I hope you don't mind the joking, I cope with dark humour a fair bit).

However, I understand how awful it must be to feel let down by the mental health services. The drive to do something to show them how they've made you feel and expressing your inner turmoil is understandable.

This is not about me or anyone else's feelings so feel free to ignore this paragraph. I actually found someone in my local park who had doused themselves in petrol and was attempting to light a spark, it was traumatising for us both. I've had some trauma responses since that day but that's my deal, no fault of hers. Luckily she was unable to light herself but I called police and paramedics since I could see she needed desperate help. When she walked from the scene a homeless dude helped hide the gas canister and tools so she couldn't return and possibly retry. I just hope that mental health services didn't let her down like they've done for so many.

Ultimately its about what's right for you. I wish you well on whatever path you take.

 

[Cockney_Rebel]

It's not a method I've thought about, both from a pain side of things and I don't wish anyone to find me as a lump of charcoal (I hope you don't mind the joking, I cope with dark humour a fair bit).

However, I understand how awful it must be to feel let down by the mental health services. The drive to do something to show them how they've made you feel and expressing your inner turmoil is understandable.

This is not about me or anyone else's feelings so feel free to ignore this paragraph. I actually found someone in my local park who had doused themselves in petrol and was attempting to light a spark, it was traumatising for us both. I've had some trauma responses since that day but that's my deal, no fault of hers. Luckily she was unable to light herself but I called police and paramedics since I could see she needed desperate help. When she walked from the scene a homeless dude helped hide the gas canister and tools so she couldn't return and possibly retry. I just hope that mental health services didn't let her down like they've done for so many.

Ultimately its about what's right for you. I wish you well on whatever path you take.

Thank you for your response, it means a lot to me.

I'm sorry for your continued trauma, and I hope it's not affecting your day-to-day life too much.

Also wishing you well on your desired path.

Sending hugs.

 

[JustAMatterOfTime]

I'm sure my research told me otherwise?

Thanks for the clarification.

However, many people have died by jumping from the Humber. At only 30 meters, that makes little to no sense?

You've really made me think about this one (method): Thank you.

What I like about the Humber, over the Clifton, is the fact that it spans water. Sure, there are times when the tide is in at the Clifton, but it's a long journey to make, only to find that the tide is out. I don't want to get smashed to pieces on a hard surface, I'd want to penetrate and be consumed by water.

I hope that makes sense, in a twisted way?

You are measuring them wrong, sure the Humber bridge is taller as in the structure of the bridge but you can't get all the way to the top of the structure, only the road part.

Anyway Humber bridge now requires pedestrians to register and give details and prove you are a commuter to be allowed to cross due to a spate of suicides last month.

 

[onthelastday]

I think a lot about this method, but I think I would not have the courage, honestly I think it is not a good method of planning, if you survive you will have painful and irreversible consequences

 

[Cockney_Rebel]

You are measuring them wrong, sure the Humber bridge is taller as in the structure of the bridge but you can't get all the way to the top of the structure, only the road part.

Anyway Humber bridge now requires pedestrians to register and give details and prove you are a commuter to be allowed to cross due to a spate of suicides last month.

Thanks for letting me know.

Saves me a long trip and big buildup for nothing.

I think a lot about this method, but I think I would not have the courage, honestly I think it is not a good method of planning, if you survive you will have painful and irreversible consequences

I've planned it pretty diligently.

How far have you gone in your thinking? Have you formulated much of a plan?