ctemourge
and by the time ur hearing this ill already b gone
- Aug 14, 2023
- 57
this is going to be a long read.
i know why im like this. being self aware makes this ten times worse. the constant lying. cheating. assaults . the constant torment that others have brought upon me. and yet i know that it was THEM it was THIER fault. but im so fucking broken. they ruined me. anyone who gets too close to me gets bit. even if i love you even if i would die for you, i get so scared i need you to go on my terms not yours. you're bound to leave anyways, easier to blame myself instead of letting you do it first. im so fucking selfish for getting into a relationship with someone so fucking amazing to me, he doesn't deserve someone who hates herself to the fucking core. hates everything about me. finds comfort in pain and sorrow. its all ive ever known i used to genuinely beg and plead to "god" (i have alot of religious trauma so this is not any hate to anyone who does believe this is just my own personal experience) and the universe to give me real love & now that i have it … i want it gone. i hate the calm. the calm gives me anxiety. im constantly waiting for something terrible to happen. i miss when i would think something terrible would happen and it would. at least i had some sort of control. we communicate. we love. we laugh. we are honest. we enjoy each others company. all anyone could ask for right? i almost feel fucking embarrassed to admit that on a site where so many people yearn for this and have nobody. i almost wish i could give him what he deserves thru someone else. pass him along almost. im so undeserving of this. he deserves the sun the moon and all the fucking stars he really does. and then theres me. breaking down in the car after a great day. constantly asking him if hes going to leave me. it almost makes my ctb plans impossible. now i cant hurt him either. too many people im living for. i almost wish suicide wasnt so taboo. drinking my sn and slowly drifting away in his arms would be amazing. but i cant do that. instead ill be alone in a hotel room, miles away. alone. i dont have anyone on here who could even be on call with me to make sure i go & update this website for me. all i think about is drinking that nasty salty drink n drifting away. i have no set date to ctb since i
1) have no money so no SN or money for hotel room
2) again living for two people currently (selfish on my part and theirs tbh but thats a story for another day.)
3) fear ill be caught
heres my dream ctb plan:
book a hotel for the night, not too far but not too close to anyone who could get there in time
smoke a little. drink a little. do a couple drugs even. i want to get comfortable. xanax is really good for my SI as the last time i tried to ctb i ate 7 xans, drove to the nearest park (tbh if u plan on doing this i would not drive AFTER taking the bars. id drive before. nonetheless im still alive n wasnt found for a couple hours so use that information as you will) recorded a suicide letter and laid there to die. didnt od. didnt die. just got barred out. but i was not scared. in fact i was really content. i felt safe. i enjoyed the feeling . now after taking a couple xans ill
have my SN ready and prepare and ingest
*if* i ever make any friends on here (doubt it. im very anti social) who are willing to stay on call with me and document my departure for my goodbye thread we can do that. and id thank them profusely & leave them their own personal goodbye as they arent just a pawn in my suicide, but a friend and companion.
put on my favorite band tee , listen to my favorite album & drift away. i wish i didnt care so much. i wish i could simply just die. too many people waiting on me who need me. again im a selfish bitch for even complaining about something so many yearn for. but hey. just more of a reason for me to get gone and stay gone. i want to go. i dont want to do this anymore. but alas. sober. not sh'ing currently. not even smoking weed as much stopped smoking tobacco. so many positive changes yet i feel fucking worse. some people are not meant to live and unfortunately i am one of them.
i know why im like this. being self aware makes this ten times worse. the constant lying. cheating. assaults . the constant torment that others have brought upon me. and yet i know that it was THEM it was THIER fault. but im so fucking broken. they ruined me. anyone who gets too close to me gets bit. even if i love you even if i would die for you, i get so scared i need you to go on my terms not yours. you're bound to leave anyways, easier to blame myself instead of letting you do it first. im so fucking selfish for getting into a relationship with someone so fucking amazing to me, he doesn't deserve someone who hates herself to the fucking core. hates everything about me. finds comfort in pain and sorrow. its all ive ever known i used to genuinely beg and plead to "god" (i have alot of religious trauma so this is not any hate to anyone who does believe this is just my own personal experience) and the universe to give me real love & now that i have it … i want it gone. i hate the calm. the calm gives me anxiety. im constantly waiting for something terrible to happen. i miss when i would think something terrible would happen and it would. at least i had some sort of control. we communicate. we love. we laugh. we are honest. we enjoy each others company. all anyone could ask for right? i almost feel fucking embarrassed to admit that on a site where so many people yearn for this and have nobody. i almost wish i could give him what he deserves thru someone else. pass him along almost. im so undeserving of this. he deserves the sun the moon and all the fucking stars he really does. and then theres me. breaking down in the car after a great day. constantly asking him if hes going to leave me. it almost makes my ctb plans impossible. now i cant hurt him either. too many people im living for. i almost wish suicide wasnt so taboo. drinking my sn and slowly drifting away in his arms would be amazing. but i cant do that. instead ill be alone in a hotel room, miles away. alone. i dont have anyone on here who could even be on call with me to make sure i go & update this website for me. all i think about is drinking that nasty salty drink n drifting away. i have no set date to ctb since i
1) have no money so no SN or money for hotel room
2) again living for two people currently (selfish on my part and theirs tbh but thats a story for another day.)
3) fear ill be caught
heres my dream ctb plan:
book a hotel for the night, not too far but not too close to anyone who could get there in time
smoke a little. drink a little. do a couple drugs even. i want to get comfortable. xanax is really good for my SI as the last time i tried to ctb i ate 7 xans, drove to the nearest park (tbh if u plan on doing this i would not drive AFTER taking the bars. id drive before. nonetheless im still alive n wasnt found for a couple hours so use that information as you will) recorded a suicide letter and laid there to die. didnt od. didnt die. just got barred out. but i was not scared. in fact i was really content. i felt safe. i enjoyed the feeling . now after taking a couple xans ill
have my SN ready and prepare and ingest
*if* i ever make any friends on here (doubt it. im very anti social) who are willing to stay on call with me and document my departure for my goodbye thread we can do that. and id thank them profusely & leave them their own personal goodbye as they arent just a pawn in my suicide, but a friend and companion.
put on my favorite band tee , listen to my favorite album & drift away. i wish i didnt care so much. i wish i could simply just die. too many people waiting on me who need me. again im a selfish bitch for even complaining about something so many yearn for. but hey. just more of a reason for me to get gone and stay gone. i want to go. i dont want to do this anymore. but alas. sober. not sh'ing currently. not even smoking weed as much stopped smoking tobacco. so many positive changes yet i feel fucking worse. some people are not meant to live and unfortunately i am one of them.
