Gettingtothepointjes
Member
- Nov 29, 2019
- 8
Hi, so I'm new to this page
I'm 21 years old and have been actively suicidal since I was 6/7 from the youngest I can remember.
skip the life story, I basically have been extremely suicidal this year. I mean I always have been but I must have attempted about 6/7 od's and I have been
sectioned this year as well. Everyday I am thinking of new ways to do this without pain or to just go to sleep and not wake up. (The perfect way)
September was my last attempt and ever since I've been getting really weird phases where life isn't so bad and I'm working my butt off as a NA in my hospital. Doing 12 hour shifts and coming home sleeping and repeat, I would then find myself feeling dark when I'm out of work like really dark in the head towards myself. So clearly my "good days" were just distraction days to care for others and nothing has really changed for myself.
Anyway I'm getting really fed up now. My last 5 attempts nobody knew about, I just overdosed and woke up like a day later and just became filled with anger that I was still here. My boyfriend knew about my last one so I have added guilt and empty promises that I won't do it again and a chance in how he acts towards me, almost like I can't be trusted.
The problem is I know I will do it again until I succeed. I can't put a number on the amount of times I've tried in my life.For some stupid reason I can't bring myself to do anything painful, although I have tried. I have had enough shit to deal with, way more than anyone local my age has ever had to deal with. I grew up early and I've always known I won't be on this planet for long. I don't want kids, I don't want to work for my career as a nurse, I just want to go and be at peace.
In the last 3 months, 3 girls my age have committed and succeeded in my home town and everytime I hear about a new suicide, my desire becomes multiple times stronger, like I really want that to be me. Which sounds extremely selfish I know, I battle with guilt and that's probably why I'm still alive rn.
So I keep reading threads about SN?
Where can you get it and is it accessible in the uk? I have contemplated hanging. I do like the idea of a "perfect" death, where I look like I'm sleeping and I went peacefully, rather than blood everywhere and being hung from a tree or some gory shit that will scar the person that finds me even more. I just don't know where to start.
Oh and also I don't have a clue how to search on this website? I can only scroll through posts.
Any advice on how to access this would be extremely helpful.
I'm 21 years old and have been actively suicidal since I was 6/7 from the youngest I can remember.
skip the life story, I basically have been extremely suicidal this year. I mean I always have been but I must have attempted about 6/7 od's and I have been
sectioned this year as well. Everyday I am thinking of new ways to do this without pain or to just go to sleep and not wake up. (The perfect way)
September was my last attempt and ever since I've been getting really weird phases where life isn't so bad and I'm working my butt off as a NA in my hospital. Doing 12 hour shifts and coming home sleeping and repeat, I would then find myself feeling dark when I'm out of work like really dark in the head towards myself. So clearly my "good days" were just distraction days to care for others and nothing has really changed for myself.
Anyway I'm getting really fed up now. My last 5 attempts nobody knew about, I just overdosed and woke up like a day later and just became filled with anger that I was still here. My boyfriend knew about my last one so I have added guilt and empty promises that I won't do it again and a chance in how he acts towards me, almost like I can't be trusted.
The problem is I know I will do it again until I succeed. I can't put a number on the amount of times I've tried in my life.For some stupid reason I can't bring myself to do anything painful, although I have tried. I have had enough shit to deal with, way more than anyone local my age has ever had to deal with. I grew up early and I've always known I won't be on this planet for long. I don't want kids, I don't want to work for my career as a nurse, I just want to go and be at peace.
In the last 3 months, 3 girls my age have committed and succeeded in my home town and everytime I hear about a new suicide, my desire becomes multiple times stronger, like I really want that to be me. Which sounds extremely selfish I know, I battle with guilt and that's probably why I'm still alive rn.
So I keep reading threads about SN?
Where can you get it and is it accessible in the uk? I have contemplated hanging. I do like the idea of a "perfect" death, where I look like I'm sleeping and I went peacefully, rather than blood everywhere and being hung from a tree or some gory shit that will scar the person that finds me even more. I just don't know where to start.
Oh and also I don't have a clue how to search on this website? I can only scroll through posts.
Any advice on how to access this would be extremely helpful.
