Venting Constant realisation of how fucked up I am

[samishii]

I struggle with anxiety, ptsd and depression....have been doing so since I was a child. Over the past few years, I have noticed I cannot hear anyone even raising their voice to me, or I get to the verge of breaking down. Even about the silliest of things, even when others just mean it as a joke. On top of that, I am a highly insecure person with 2 friends, one of which is a new one at my uni. Last evening, I was calling him which he didn't pick up. After that, I went and rang his bell for too long i I and then he answered - Bro don't you get that I might be busy and that's why I am not picking up?". This was in a very polite way. Apparently this was more than enough to fuck me up pretty bad.
Recently I thought of giving a last try at life, but this makes me wonder, even if I manage to get through uni, with this brittle of a capacity, self confidence being lower rhan ever, how tf will I even survive anyways? That then leaves me with just one option- die and save your dad some money.
Recently I have also started smoking, drinking irresponsibly....which I used to be strictly against and hate such stuff. Maybe I am doing it subconscious to increase my chances of death?

I am stuck in such a wierd situation, I have already cost my dad a lot of money trying to study abroad, I don't want him to feel like he wasted it on me when I die. Coz he hates me and he just sponsored my education due to asian- societal pressure and so that he can boast to others about me.

Wtf do I even have/ will have to live for? no attainable material, nobody who wants or needs me, not even my own family. A partner? That seems out of the question....the the thing I for some reason actually find funny is- why would a girl even want to touch me when my own sister pushed me away when I tried to hug her. (That instance broke my heart just as bad as when my parents said they hated me during my childhood). It reminds me of a scene from the movie -anger management in which a girl asks a boy- " have you ever hugged a girl?........family doesn't count". Lol my lonely ass hasn't even done that.View attachment 93060

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you have suffered so much in life. I understand that it is hard to carry on when everything seems so hopeless. Life really is so unfair. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[Gaga786]

I relate to this post really well. I have become so sensitive to the fact that ill break down any moment someone says something to me in a negative way. It'll trigger me and ill remember my past- the abuse that I suffered. Im just so tired of fighting this battle. No matter what I do, Ill always be a failure and a parasite in other people's life

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

That's why I isolate and watch YouTube videos or anything to distract me from the moment that I'm in… Everything in the outside world reminds me of my failure

 

[samishii]

That's why I isolate and watch YouTube videos or anything to distract me from the moment that I'm in… Everything in the outside world reminds me of my failure

I used to do that untill I came to uni.... can't keep doing that here. On the brighter side, now I just have a few drinks after I have done all due assignments.....once I am drunk, atleast my anxiety starts to disappear.