Venting Considering moving my CtB date despite planning it for >3 months

[canoekit]

I have been planning to CtB on 17/01 since last October. This is due to personal struggles, and also suitable circumstances as my family will be leaving me alone for about 5 days starting this Friday. I have been acquiring the materials to do so since December and I'm currently spending my last few days finishing up notes, spending money carelessly, coming to terms with death etc. Overall, I am ready to die and I do not see myself living to see my family or friends after Saturday.

However, today I received two pieces of information that have suddenly made me not so sure of my position. Firstly, my family has bought tickets to go abroad for the summer holidays, leaving me alone for an entire month. Despite my mother saying I should find a job in the mean-time, I could CtB peacefully and patiently during that time. Secondly, my current method is stabbing myself in the heart/liver. But, after scrolling through some threads here and my own research, I've realised it's quite easy to obtain SN online if you buy from abroad. Now, I'm considering going for the SN route due to it's reliability.

I don't know if it's worth living another few months just to die (mostly) painlessly, or if I should commit to my plan. A part of me will feel cowardly and embarrassed to have not attempted after so many weeks of planning, and I don't want to suffer with active suicidal ideation any longer. I'm sick of suicide plaguing my every waking moment, I can't enjoy anything anymore. I'm supposed to start college again in 2 weeks as well, and I just don't think I have it in me to survive. I need to die, and I do want it to be successful, but I don't know if there is any value in waiting just for a small percentage increase in success.

 

[💗女の子になりたい💗]

I have been planning to CtB on 17/01 since last October. This is due to personal struggles, and also suitable circumstances as my family will be leaving me alone for about 5 days starting this Friday. I have been acquiring the materials to do so since December and I'm currently spending my last few days finishing up notes, spending money carelessly, coming to terms with death etc. Overall, I am ready to die and I do not see myself living to see my family or friends after Saturday.

However, today I received two pieces of information that have suddenly made me not so sure of my position. Firstly, my family has bought tickets to go abroad for the summer holidays, leaving me alone for an entire month. Despite my mother saying I should find a job in the mean-time, I could CtB peacefully and patiently during that time. Secondly, my current method is stabbing myself in the heart/liver. But, after scrolling through some threads here and my own research, I've realised it's quite easy to obtain SN online if you buy from abroad. Now, I'm considering going for the SN route due to it's reliability.

I don't know if it's worth living another few months just to die (mostly) painlessly, or if I should commit to my plan. A part of me will feel cowardly and embarrassed to have not attempted after so many weeks of planning, and I don't want to suffer with active suicidal ideation any longer. I'm sick of suicide plaguing my every waking moment, I can't enjoy anything anymore. I'm supposed to start college again in 2 weeks as well, and I just don't think I have it in me to survive. I need to die, and I do want it to be successful, but I don't know if there is any value in waiting just for a small percentage increase in success.

The method you chose does not have nearly as high success rate as SN.
I would never recomend that method together whit cutting wrists ect, if possible wait for SN cuz the chanse (even though it isint that likely) of it going worng will means being hospitalized, suffering excruciating pain ect..
Good luck

 

[thinvy]

Yeah, I'm with the other person here. I'd rather wait for the SN. Chances are with your current method that you'll just suffer in agony for hours. You might even get found and saved/deal with being alive in agony for a bit longer before eventually succumbing in the hospital depending on if you have neighbors or someone who might call and check on you. Suicide via stab wound is incredibly risky, painful, and has much higher risk of failure with massive side effects and consequences. Muscle, cartilage, and connective tissue are a pain in the ass to cut through normally. Zero judgement as I ask this, but do you have sharp enough tools, steady enough hands, and the willpower and knowledge to actually do it? My first real attempt was going to be slicing my throat open. I failed because our knives all were too shitty and I pussed out pretty quick and ended up with a hard to explain scratch across like a third of my neck. Thank fuck I already was known for roughhousing with the kittens and just kind of letting them play and climb wherever on me.

I know how hard this can be. I've passed several points in time where I was "supposed to" have killed myself by. I'm 27 now, been hoping and trying to die since I was ~13. Hell, every day I question why I don't just off myself right here right now, since I have my supplies and everything. It's cause it doesn't work for my goals right now.

I choose to think about it like this: you can catch the last bus out any day. Do you really want to rush and risk fucking it all up and being watched over like a hawk for the foreseeable future? Or would you rather wait until you're certain and have things more ready? It's not cowardly to push things back. I plan to be gone by may of this year, but if there's something interesting or fun that pops up before my "absolutely gotta be dead by" date, I am okay with pushing my suicide off a little.

If it's at all possible for you, I'd recommend maybe taking a "break" from college, so that that's not something you'll have to stress over if you choose to wait. I admittedly do not know what the time frame on registering and everything is (nor do I know if your family is knowledgeable enough to call you out on a lie about it), but maybe you can excuse it away as something getting screwed up and getting pushed to fall enrollment instead of spring enrollment and there's nothing they could do about it?

Idk man. I'm sorry I don't know how to help more. This seems like a silly thing to say given the context of the site and this conversation, but please, be gentle to yourself. You sound like you're having one hell of a time right now, and I hope you're not beating yourself up over this. All the best to you, genuinely.

 

[canoekit]

Zero judgement as I ask this, but do you have sharp enough tools, steady enough hands, and the willpower and knowledge to actually do it?

I want to say yes to all three but I should be transparent. I'm planning to buy a survival knife in the next day or two (so it'll arrive when my family has left), it should be both sharp and long enough to reach the heart or/and liver. Secondly, I don't expect my hand-eye coordination to be the greatest, especially since I am planning to be under the influence of alcohol. I'm aware that may be a silly decision, but I do think doing it sober would make it a much nastier experience. Additionally, I do have a fair amount of knowledge in anatomy to know how much force to use, which direction, and what spot to aim for.. or at least, I have much more knowledge on the topic than in October. My first draft of my plan was to cut myself in the brachial or carotid artery haha. Lastly, willpower wise, I believe yes. Mostly due to how much I suffer with active suicidal ideation and how much my personal issues affect me. I've been fantasizing about my death for so long that I am both excited and fearful for the next 5 days.

I choose to think about it like this: you can catch the last bus out any day

I do understand this philosophy. However, as much as I wish I could think like that, I'm just so afraid. I'm afraid I'll keep putting it off, either in hopes that something changes for the better or because I'll be constantly overthinking my method, with the excuse I can CtB anytime I wish. Eventually, it'll be such a long cycle that I'll end up in my late 40's, alone, and I'll regret not doing it sooner. I know that is a bit ridiculous to confess to someone older than me, I'm meant turn 19 this August, but in my case, I just feel doomed. I feel like I need to die as soon as possible.

If it's at all possible for you, I'd recommend maybe taking a "break" from college, so that that's not something you'll have to stress over if you choose to wait.

Unfortunately, I don't think that's possible as I still live with my parents, and the process of going "off-books" during the second semester, as they call it in my university, is complicated. I am grateful for the tip though.

I'm sorry I don't know how to help more. This seems like a silly thing to say given the context of the site and this conversation, but please, be gentle to yourself. You sound like you're having one hell of a time right now, and I hope you're not beating yourself up over this. All the best to you, genuinely.

Thank you. Despite everything, I do appreciate hearing this. Your reply has given me some comfort and reassurance, and that's more than I could ask for. I hope you take care of yourself as well.