Venting considering living a bit longer

[february in alaska]

I'm still going to try and buy SN tomorrow and get all that going, but I don't know. My mom is in the middle of a bunch of important life things and moving to another country and I don't want to stop her from achieving dreams she's had for years or disrupt her life in the middle of all of it. I hope once she's settled she'll be in a more stable place to handle the grief once I'm gone. I would need to wait at least a few more months than I planned though.

I don't know. I'm just really sad. This isn't an "oh, I want to live!" happy moment of realization... just a, "damn, I'm not ready to go yet". I don't know if I'll be able to graduate with how much I've already given up. I don't even have that much work, but even the smallest things feel like climbing mountains. If I keep living, I'll have to deal with the backlash of that. Maybe convince my parents that I just need another semester to graduate over the summer, wait until things are settled, and use the extra time to prepare. Then I can leave anytime. It will be a lot easier once I have the SN/supplies on hand and ready to go. Then I can just keep living until it's truly unbearable and I know for certain that I'm ready to go

Mostly I'm just disappointed, even typing this out. I feel like I'm admitting failure by postponing this even further. I'll probably never be ready, never go through with it. I'll never be happy living either though. So I'm just trapped here and it's my own fault. Nobody ever tells you how awful it feels when you decide to keep living instead

Hopefully my mindset will change back and I'll be able to leave sooner than later

 

[Abyssal]

One thing that comforts me about suicide is that, if not now, I can do it whenever. There's no rush, you should take your time to die and go only if you are truly sure it's what you want to do. I hope you can channel this into some form of recovery, you are a great person.

 

[february in alaska]

One thing that comforts me about suicide is that, if not now, I can do it whenever. There's no rush, you should take your time to die and go only if you are truly sure it's what you want to do. I hope you can channel this into some form of recovery, you are a great person.

I try to keep that in mind too... I hope if I actually manage to get everything I need for SN I'll be more at peace knowing I have the option. But I guess I'll have to see how I feel when I actually get there.

I don't think I'll ever be fully in recovery (or at least not passively suicidal) but thank you for sayin that. I always appreciate seeing you around the forum

 

[Abyssal]

I try to keep that in mind too... I hope if I actually manage to get everything I need for SN I'll be more at peace knowing I have the option. But I guess I'll have to see how I feel when I actually get there.

I don't think I'll ever be fully in recovery (or at least not passively suicidal) but thank you for sayin that. I always appreciate seeing you around the forum

Fair enough, I feel similar. It's part of why I have my date, so I don't get comfortable in the numbness and prolong the inevitable.

I don't feel recovery is a possibility for me either, but it's nice to dream.

 

[Endoflifecomestoall]

One thing that comforts me about suicide is that, if not now, I can do it whenever. There's no rush, you should take your time to die and go only if you are truly sure it's what you want to do. I hope you can channel this into some form of recovery, you are a great person.

Me too. It is coming though and it scares me

I try to keep that in mind too... I hope if I actually manage to get everything I need for SN I'll be more at peace knowing I have the option. But I guess I'll have to see how I feel when I actually get there.

I don't think I'll ever be fully in recovery (or at least not passively suicidal) but thank you for sayin that. I always appreciate seeing you around the forum

I've had my sn in storage too long. At least its there when I want it. My cerebellum is determining due to the neurological disease I have so it doesn't have to be pure

I try to keep that in mind too... I hope if I actually manage to get everything I need for SN I'll be more at peace knowing I have the option. But I guess I'll have to see how I feel when I actually get there.

I don't think I'll ever be fully in recovery (or at least not passively suicidal) but thank you for sayin that. I always appreciate seeing you around the forum

I've had my sn in storage too long. At least its there when I want it. My cerebellum is determining due to the neurological disease I have so it doesn't have to be pure

I'm still going to try and buy SN tomorrow and get all that going, but I don't know. My mom is in the middle of a bunch of important life things and moving to another country and I don't want to stop her from achieving dreams she's had for years or disrupt her life in the middle of all of it. I hope once she's settled she'll be in a more stable place to handle the grief once I'm gone. I would need to wait at least a few more months than I planned though.

I don't know. I'm just really sad. This isn't an "oh, I want to live!" happy moment of realization... just a, "damn, I'm not ready to go yet". I don't know if I'll be able to graduate with how much I've already given up. I don't even have that much work, but even the smallest things feel like climbing mountains. If I keep living, I'll have to deal with the backlash of that. Maybe convince my parents that I just need another semester to graduate over the summer, wait until things are settled, and use the extra time to prepare. Then I can leave anytime. It will be a lot easier once I have the SN/supplies on hand and ready to go. Then I can just keep living until it's truly unbearable and I know for certain that I'm ready to go

Mostly I'm just disappointed, even typing this out. I feel like I'm admitting failure by postponing this even further. I'll probably never be ready, never go through with it. I'll never be happy living either though. So I'm just trapped here and it's my own fault. Nobody ever tells you how awful it feels when you decide to keep living instead

Hopefully my mindset will change back and I'll be able to leave sooner than later

That is how I feel. I have a neurodegenerative disease which is eating up my body daily. So my clock is ticking. Good luck my friend

 

[Forever Sleep]

I honestly could have written this myself. I want to wait for my Dad to go first. I think my suicide would devastate him. But yeah- that means living for an unknown period of time and I'm feeling all the stuff you are. Frustrated that I can't go now, scared that I may not have the guts to do it- even when I can, worried about the future- seeing as I have so little motivation to do anything now.

I'm waiting to hear about big creative projects that at least make my life more bearable than doing a wage slave job I would really hate but, they kind of have their own peculiarities. Once I've taken on something, I don't feel like I can quit part way through. So yeah- it's all these weird calculations going on in my head over when I might be able to do it. Which feels horrible in itself because it means I'm thinking ultimately- I wonder how long my Dad will go on for. I'm sorry. It's so hard when we feel trapped here.

 

[onbekend]

I am on the same boat with a lot of this stuff. Especially regarding things like graduation, and the consequences of continuing to live considering how much I've given up with the hope that I would be dead very soon. For me, I have a feeling that things are bad enough to the point that I basically am forced to CTB in the near future because I don't think things can recover from here. It's all downhill, and I don't see a way back up.

 

[UKscotty]

I think almost everyone is on the same page, always trying to give life a go, before we finally decide it is time and the SI is gone.

We do have a recovery section, they may be able to help give you some ideas.

Ignore the small handful who claim to hate life and think everyone should CTB, they are the same people around for years and years, whilst encouraging others to go.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Well, I hope things can be bearable up until that day comes.

 

[rozeske]

Am sorry for how this is making you feel. I can only tell you to not stress your self too much about it. You don't have to rush it unless you are in an urgent situation. You can always come back to it. Until then, take a step back, try taking each day at a time and try to keep your self busy. Having your exit strategy planed out and ready to go has also been proven by other members to give you a sense of comfort.

 

[mortuarymary]

You are not a failure. Don't ever think that. Dont rush it.